Today S's friend and I went to meet with the Assistant District Attorney who will be working on S's case. I was a little nervous, mostly just because I didn't know what to expect, but it went fine.
The ADA is really nice and he seems to really care. He asked about S and asked what we wanted to do. The ADA explained how everything is going to work and what we can expect and told me a little more about the accident so that was nice too.
A woman who apparently drove up on the scene called 9-1-1. They asked if I wanted a copy of the 9-1-1 call, and I told them I might, but I don't want to see it right now. They also offered pictures of the accident if I wanted them. I am really happy to know that these things are available to me now. They showed me a picture of the man who killed him. He doesn't look anything like I thought he would look. It was really weird to see his face and know what he did.
I really want to talk to him. I have so many questions for him and I am hopeful that he will answer them for me. They offered to just have him write answers to the questions I have so that I don't have to hear them until I am ready. I like that idea too.
S's friend brought up a good point too. He thinks this is all going to be much harder on us than we realize. Seeing the man who took S's life for the first time, hearing him talk, knowing that he is still living his life...it's not going to be easy. But I hope it will be healing. I am hopeful that there won't be a trial and that this man is a decent person who will apologize and answer my questions and we can find some level of healing from all of this.
I also want him to know what an amazing man S was. I want him to that he was a great dad who loved the hell out of his kids. I want him to know that he was hard working and honest and smart and loving and that he would have given anything for the good of his family.
And I want him to know that I am not mad at him. I want him to know that I don't blame him. I want him to feel some peace too.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
forgiveness
I have been hearing a lot of people talk about forgiveness lately. At church, at MOPS, just in general and I feel like I have never really had an easy time with forgiveness. I tend to hold grudges. S would always tell me I could remember all the things he ever did wrong. He's probably right, too.
When I would hear stories on the news or whatever about people forgiving those who wronged them I always wondered how they could do it. Especially when someone died. I wondered how you could ever forgive someone for taking the life of someone you love.
And I am yet again eating my words.
I am not mad at the man who killed S. I was never mad at him. I can remember sitting in the hospital, waiting to get to see S and being scared and worried and panicked, but not at all mad. In talking to his mom, she said something about being mad at him for riding the bike, and I told her I wasn't mad, but once I knew he would be okay I probably would be. I have never been mad at him for riding the motorcycle that day. I have also never been mad at the man who killed him. Not even a little bit. I sort of want to be, but I can't.
I actually feel bad for him. Really bad for him. I don't know that his path is even an easier one to walk than mine. He knows that he killed someone. He killed a husband, a father, a son, a friend. He took a life. He is 74 years old. He lived his life and he knows that he took one much shorter than his. I'm thankful I don't have to walk his path.
Now, that is not to say that I would choose my path over his. Obviously, the thing in this world best for my kids is to have their dad here with them, so I wouldn't take that from them for anything, but this is the hand we were dealt. The four of us, and now we have to make the best of it.
I also realized, at Target yesterday, that last year, I was pregnant with G and looking for stocking holders for all 5 of us. I wanted coordinating ones, but none the same. It was really hard to find 5 that matched and then I saw some at Hobby Lobby. They spelled "peace" and I wanted to get them, but they were insanely expensive. When I talked S into it, and went back, they were gone.
So, as I'm walking through Target, I see the employees putting out Christmas things and I realized that we will never get to spend a Christmas as a family of 5. As I sit here typing this, it just hit me that S won't be here for G's first Christmas. How much she has changed in the past 4 months and he missed all of it. He probably wouldn't ever recognize her now. Wow.
Still though, I'm not mad at the man who killed S. I just can't be. What good would it do? Really, it won't change that man's life. It would change my life, but I don't think it would be a positive change. I want to more forward and give my kids a good life. I can't hold anger for nothing.
When I would hear stories on the news or whatever about people forgiving those who wronged them I always wondered how they could do it. Especially when someone died. I wondered how you could ever forgive someone for taking the life of someone you love.
And I am yet again eating my words.
I am not mad at the man who killed S. I was never mad at him. I can remember sitting in the hospital, waiting to get to see S and being scared and worried and panicked, but not at all mad. In talking to his mom, she said something about being mad at him for riding the bike, and I told her I wasn't mad, but once I knew he would be okay I probably would be. I have never been mad at him for riding the motorcycle that day. I have also never been mad at the man who killed him. Not even a little bit. I sort of want to be, but I can't.
I actually feel bad for him. Really bad for him. I don't know that his path is even an easier one to walk than mine. He knows that he killed someone. He killed a husband, a father, a son, a friend. He took a life. He is 74 years old. He lived his life and he knows that he took one much shorter than his. I'm thankful I don't have to walk his path.
Now, that is not to say that I would choose my path over his. Obviously, the thing in this world best for my kids is to have their dad here with them, so I wouldn't take that from them for anything, but this is the hand we were dealt. The four of us, and now we have to make the best of it.
I also realized, at Target yesterday, that last year, I was pregnant with G and looking for stocking holders for all 5 of us. I wanted coordinating ones, but none the same. It was really hard to find 5 that matched and then I saw some at Hobby Lobby. They spelled "peace" and I wanted to get them, but they were insanely expensive. When I talked S into it, and went back, they were gone.
So, as I'm walking through Target, I see the employees putting out Christmas things and I realized that we will never get to spend a Christmas as a family of 5. As I sit here typing this, it just hit me that S won't be here for G's first Christmas. How much she has changed in the past 4 months and he missed all of it. He probably wouldn't ever recognize her now. Wow.
Still though, I'm not mad at the man who killed S. I just can't be. What good would it do? Really, it won't change that man's life. It would change my life, but I don't think it would be a positive change. I want to more forward and give my kids a good life. I can't hold anger for nothing.
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