Three's not really a crowd, right?

07/11/10
I have had a feeling for the last few days that I am pregnant. A really strong feeling. This morning I mustered up the courage to take a test and low and behold, mama's instincts once again prove to be true. BFP! Now, I don't consider this a planned pregnancy, but we weren't really doing much to avoid. I have been charting so I know within a week or two of when I'm ovulating, but our plan was to use condoms during that time. We just aren't so good at it (obviously) and my cycles are a bit irregular (I assume since I am nursing).

So right now, I'm pretty scared. We don't have maternity insurance (H's new job doesn't offer insurance and since I have had a c-section I can't get it privately), H just started a new job this past week and is making less money and is working more hours, and we can't fit 3 carseats in my car so we will also need to get a bigger car.

Plus, we had planned on buying land now to start building a house in a couple of years, but now I feel like we can't afford to put that much money on land when we don't know what is going to happen with this baby.

I've never been pregnant and scared before. I've always wanted to be pregnant when I got pregnant and this time is different. I still love the baby in my uterus. Strange, how 6 hours ago I didn't, but now I do. As scared as I am, I want my baby.

I had also just recently gotten to a point where I was okay with just 2 kids. H didn't want anymore babies and I did, but I had sort of realized how much fun just two could be. I mean we could do fun things with them sooner because M is getting to a point where we can take them both to a park and all play instead of one of us having to sit with the baby. And alone time! We were planning a big trip in January 2012 for our anniversary, but now that will have to be put off another 2-3 years.

And I'm sad for M. She is still a baby. She will be the same age V was when I got pregnant with her when this baby is born. I feel like she is going to be missing out on mama time because she is going to have to share me with 2 kids so soon!

And breastfeeding. I plan to nurse M as long as she wants to nurse, but it makes me sad to think that she may want to stop nursing before she would if I wasn't pregnant. And I remember how much I hated nursing when I was pregnant with her. It made me nauseous and it hurt and I dreaded it. I don't want to feel that again, but I also don't want to stop.

It is crazy the mix of emotions I am feeling in this moment. I'm not going to post this blog for while because we are not quite ready to let the world know that we are expecting #3, but I wanted to get the feelings out while I am feeling them. I plan on updating this post until I am about 12 weeks pregnant and then I will post it. I want to remember these feelings, but I'm just not ready to share them with the world yet.

07/12/10
I keep going back and forth between being happy and sad about being pregnant. I am excited to get to bring another life into this world and watch a child grow. I am thrilled that we get to experience life with another baby. I'm excited to give birth again. I'm scared of the birth.

Our plan for now is to have a homebirth. I haven't talked to the midwives yet, but I want to have my baby at home. I am terrified that if I go to a hospital I will end up with my abdomen sliced open again. I feel confident that my body can birth babies and I feel safe in my home, but I am still scared to death of another c-section.

That is the only thing that scares me about birth. Contractions I can handle. Pushing I can deal with. But a c-section, that I don't know. I have decided though that I am going to enjoy this pregnancy. With V's pregnancy I didn't really get to enjoy it because it was my first and I was scared and nervous and worried the whole time. M's pregnancy I don't feel like I really got to enjoy because I was studying so hard. I was busy reading and learning everything I could about VBAC and normal, natural birth. This pregnancy I want to just be able to enjoy.

07/16/10
And apparently some higher power has different ideas about be enjoying this pregnancy. With both of the kids, I basically had no pregnancy symptoms at all. No nausea, no vomiting, no swelling, nothing. With this baby, I am nauseous all.day.long. It is hard to be a mama to a 3 year old and a 11 month old and feel like barfing all day. It is hard to be a good wife to my husband when I really just want to puke all over him. I know that I will get through this, but I feel like it just adds to the stress of what is probably going to be an already stressful pregnancy.

Still, I want to enjoy this pregnancy. I called 2 birth centers the other day and I am still waiting for the one I want to use to call me back, but the other one is pretty much out of the picture. I talked to one of the midwives over the phone and she said some things that didn't sit well with me so I hope the other midwives work out.

I also think it is amazing how much H has changed his mind about birth in the last 2 years. Today he said that he was talking to a girl at his old work and she is pregnant. He said he told her all about Bradley and cloth diapers and making your own babyfood. I am really proud that he is trying to help women and way impressed that he remembers as much as he does about Bradley! Makes me feel more confident that we won't have a doula this time (unless I keep working on him!)

08/06/10
One of the reasons we have been planning a a homebirth is because H's new job doesn't offer insurance. We were going to get private insurance, but because I have had a c/s, I can't get maternity insurance. I was told though that if I had to have an emergency c/s, that would be covered. Well, we applied and they said that I would not be covered if I needed a c/s, regardless of the reason, and they denied V insurance all together because apparently his medical records say he has some disorder we have never heard of that the old pediatrician said the records say he doesn't have. Whatever, we decided that it was worth nearly 4 times the money to get on the group insurance policy at my dad's shop since I work there a few hours a week. So now we have maternity insurance and H is sort of backing out of the homebirth because a hospital birth would be cheaper.

The thing is, I don't feel SAFE in a hospital. Yup, I feel safer birthing my baby at home than in a hospital. I know that sounds crazy to most, but really, I have done my research, and for me, I feel like home is a better option. H doesn't want to spend the money on it though, which in a lot of ways really hurts me because he is willing to spend crazy money on stuff he wants, but he doesn't want to spend a few grand on a birth for his wife and child? I think what he really wants is an unassisted homebirth. As in me and him and that's it. I am not comfortable with that though. I think, had I never had a c/s, I would be okay with a unassisted birth, but since I have had a c/s I am just not there. Plus, we have had a baby who wasn't healthy at birth and that scares me. As much as a blame the c/s for V's issues at birth, I just don't want to be the only ones here if something happens. I mean what if I start to hemorrhage, what if baby isn't breathing, what if the placenta doesn't all come out? H's answer is to call 911, but then I feel like we would be treated like the scum of the earth by the hospital for being "so irresponsible" in the first place.

I want a midwife. I want a midwife to sit on her bum in the corner and just be there in case we need her. Our appt is Sept 1 and I hope that is what these midwives will be for us.

08/16/2010
I don't want to complain about being pregnant, but good God this nausea sucks! I tried drinking Ginger Ale, but then I looked at the ingredients and the second one is HFCS, which I don't want to put in my body or my baby's body, and I haven't been able to find any that doesn't have that in it so I have just been feeling sick. I did order some ginger candies that should be here this week so I am hoping that those will make me feel better.

I also am thinking that I am about 2 weeks farther along than the u/s said I am. Today, M has been nursing non-stop and I am thinking that it is because my supply is dropping. Last night my nipples started hurting too and I just think it is a little early for that to be happening if I am only 9 weeks.

I was having feelings that this babe is a girl, but now I am leaning more towards boy. I don't know if we are going to find out if we are having a boy or a girl before baby is born, because I am leaving it up to H, but I want to be surprised. Although, it would be a little easier to know so we can get rid of the stuff we know we won't use.

I am getting really excited for our appt in 2 weeks. I want to listen to this babes heartbeat.

08/19/2010
The last 2 days have been so hard. I feel so weak and I can't eat or drink or anything. I don't want to sit or stand or lay or anything. Last night, during dinner which I didn't cook and didn't eat, I just broke down and started crying. I have never felt this bad in my life and I feel like a bad mom for not wanting to play with the kids. I find myself just laying on the couch watching them because I don't have the energy to do anything else. This morning, H called to see how I felt and I just broke down in tears again. I told him if I had to be sick during a pregnancy, I so wish it was the first one so I could just lay in bed all day. Not an option with 2 little ones who need mama for everything. I keep telling myself that every day brings me one day closer to it being over. I'm starting to not believe it though.

08/27/2010
So, I think my massive nausea last week had absolutely nothing to do with being pregnant. I think I was just sick. I am starting to feel better though and I am really excited to meet with the midwives next week. H and I have been talking about what we are going to say to the people who think we are crazy for having a homebirth and we have sort of tossed around the idea of just not telling people at all. Part of me likes that route because we don't have to deal with all the "that is so risky!" "are you sure that is safe?" "What are you going to do if something happens?" We have answers to all those questions, but part of me just doesn't want to deal with it. But I also feel like I shouldn't hide our plans. It is sort of the same thing we dealt with during our VBAC journey. People had the same questions and said the same thing, but we were proud that we were doing something so amazing for our child. We feel like same way about homebirth, but I don't know if I have the energy this time around to fend off the negativity like I did the first time.

I also think it is interesting how much we have changed in the past 4 years. 4 years ago I would have thought someone having a homebirth, especially a HBAC, was crazy. Plain and simple. H didn't even want me to VBAC with M. He wanted to just schedule the c/s at 38 weeks. And look at us now! Crazy how our experiences change us!

09/01/10
We had our first appt with the midwife today and it went well I think. V was at CDO so it was just H, M, and me and we just did the paperwork and she felt my belly, measured my uterus and we listened for a heartbeat. She said it was still a bit early to hear the heartbeat so if we didn't hear it not to panic. She had a hard time finding it, but she assured me she heard it a few times and my arteries sounded good so she wasn't worried. I trust her, but I still think I would feel better if I heard my baby today. I might go back in a couple of weeks to listen again :)

When I was giving the kids a bath tonight, V looked right at me and said "wow, Mama! Your belly is getting really big!" He is totally honest and I realized that I am growing. It is truly amazing to me that there is life inside my body. What a gift. And I'm happy to finally get to post this post cuz it's getting long!