what might have been

a friend posted something on facebook today that got me thinking. She said that her son's traumatic birth 5 years ago changed her path in life forever. That sentiment holds true for me too.



3 years ago my path in life changed. When I was pregnant with V, I had no ideas on attachment parenting, natural birth, breastfeeding, etc. All I knew was that a baby was coming out of my vagina and I didn't want any drugs. Beyond that, I figured I would probably breastfeed for 6 months if I could, but I was not co-sleeping, baby-wearing, or changing my life at all for this little person. I figured he would work his life around mine.



HA! After V was born, I was mad. Really mad and angry and nursing him hurt like hell, but I was determined. Everyone had told me I would be "begging for the epidural" and I was thinking that they were probably right because I was in horrendous pain both at my incision sight and on my nipples. Something in me changed, though. I decided that they had taken by birth, and they were not getting breastfeeding too. I fought through breastfeeding and the sore nipples, the bad latch, thrush 3 times, the sleepless nights, everything.



When V was 1 day shy of 6 weeks old, I went to my first La Leche League meeting. I walked in, terrified, but seeking answers. At that first meeting, we all went around and introduced ourselves and the leader asked everyone to say one struggle they had with breastfeeding. I was first to go and even though I had trouble, I looked around and saw all these mamas latching their babies on without a second thought and didn't want them to think I was a bad mom so I just said that I didn't have any problems. As the meeting when on, all the other woman told of their struggles and I just thought "I have that too! and that! and that!" I knew I was in the right place.



At that first meeting I also met a girl who would end up changing my path in motherhood. T (who was one of my doulas when M was born and just a mama a really admire) taught me pretty much everything I know about cloth diapers. She was inspiring to me.



At the next meeting, a lady walked in with her 6 week old in his carseat, her boppy, and exhausted eyes. A year later, she would become my best friend and VBAC partner. We sat through meetings together for an entire year, never talking to each other.



Then one night (a year after my first meeting), she said she was pregnant with number 3 and wanting to VBA2C. T and I stood in the parking lot talking with her for something like 4 hours. She was the first person I had ever met who wanted to avoid another c/s. We exchanged email addresses and started emailing on the daily. Then, we set up playdates and ice cream dates and girls nights at IHOP after LLL.



Now, the LLL group has weekly playdates and I have met some of my best friends through that group. Had I never had a c/s, I don't think I would have had the passion I did about nursing my son. I probably wouldn't have ever gone to LLL and I would have missed out on knowing some pretty cool girls.



On a smaller scale, had I not had a c/s, I wouldn't know anything about birth. I would have gone into my subsequent births with the same mindset I did my first and chances are I would have ended up with a c/s at some point. Either that, or I would have a very unhealthy view on birth. I would be scared of birth.

So, for a lot of reasons, I am thankful for my experience. I am glad that my journey has been what it was so that I can be here today. I am so glad that I have met the women I have met along the way and I am so very glad that I have learned as much about birth and breastfeeding as I have. I'm glad things are what they are and not what they might have been.