ready or not!

I have been having some real issues with labor, birth, actually having a newborn to care for, lately. Like being scared. Really really scared that things won't be okay. That I won't have a healthy baby or I won't push my baby out or something terrible will happen and it will be all my fault.

Also, about not being able to be a good mom to 3 kids. I feel like I was a really good mom when I just had V. We played together all the time and I took him places and it was fun. When M came along, I couldn't be the same mom to him or to her. When we played, one of them either had to be bored or way over stimulated. We didn't go out as much because it is much harder to watch 2 kids than one. Now, don't get me wrong, we still have fun and we still play, but it is different with 2.

Now, add a third to that mix and I am terrified that I won't be able to do it. What if we never leave out house again! What if I lose one at the park! All of these what ifs get to me. That is the part that really scares me.

But the birth scares me too. I am scared because we don't have a doula. I am scared that labor will be really long (or really short) and I won't be able to handle it. I am scared that I was just lucky with M. I am scared of ending up on an operating table again. I am just scared.

The other night though, I had a dream that brought me a lot of peace. I dreamt that I woke up and felt this urge to push. So I did and out came a baby girl. Then I felt the urge to push again and I did and out came a baby boy. I laid the babies next to me in bed and pushed out my placenta and then walked to the kitchen and put it in a bowl in the fridge. I went back to the bedroom and was nursing one of the babies when H walked in and I told him I had the babies. He asked was it a boy or a girl and I told him one of each. He seemed okay with that and I asked him if we should call the midwives. He said sure, so we did. They didn't answer so we just went on like everything was fine and normal. I also told him it was a good thing we took the maternity pictures the day before and it was sad that we didn't even open the birth kit that came the day before. He asked if we could return it :)

When I actually woke up I was sort of disappointed that I hadn't given birth like that. I was disappointed that I didn't know how it would all turn out. But it also gave me some peace. Like my subconscious or something was telling me not to worry and not to put my energy into the worry. That everything will be okay. And I'm good with that.

So last night, I went though the birth kit to make sure everything is there and I got the rest of the things we need for the birth together in basket. I still have to get 2 more things when we go to the store this week, but other than that, the birth basket is ready. I am nearly 36 weeks pregnant and V was born at 38 and M at 39 so we shall see when this little ones decides to make his/her arrival. I feel ready though. I feel prepared. I feel like I can do it. Scratch that. I know I can and will do it!

funny things the kids say

the other day we were eating breakfast and V asked me where M sat when he was little and say in the highchair. I told him we didn't have her then and he asked when we bought her! Too funny!

Then the next day we were all reading the newspaper and he was looking at one of the ads where there was a picture of a baby. He said "Look, mama! We can buy a new sister!"

Kid cracks.me.up.

M is talking a ton now too. She is a little mimic and she loves to sing the Batman theme song. I frequently wake up to her singing. Nothing like waking up to "Batman. ba ba ba ba ba batman." from a 18 month old little girl (wow, I just realized my baby is 18 months on in 2 days! she is growing so fast!)

a snow day pregnancy update...labor what?

It has been a while since I have updated about this pregnancy so I feel the need to do so :)

First, I thought I might be having a baby a few weeks ago. I was about 30 weeks pregnant then (if my dates are right which they could be off probably up to 3 weeks either way) so I knew it was really early.

My best friend who moved to San Antonio a few months ago was coming to visit that weekend and the plan was to stay home Friday and clean the house. Thursday night I was just feeling off so I went to bed right after the kids did (around 7pm) and slept until morning (with pee breaks of course). Friday I still didn't feel right so cleaning went out the window (she loves me whether my house is tidy or not!). I had been having contractions off and on all day, but around 4pm I started to notice a bit of a pattern, plus they were getting stronger and longer and I had to stop what I was doing to breathe through some. After dinner (which I didn't eat-- I hadn't eaten all day) I was in the shower with the kids when BOOM, contractions were hard and serious. I started getting nervous and had H get the kids out of the shower and I just sat in the shower contracting. When I felt like I could get up, I did and laid in bed for a bit sipping water. The contractions didn't stop, but they slowed and didn't hurt as much. I have been having off and on contractions since then which is totally weird to me since I never had a contraction in my life until I went into labor with M.

Plus, these contractions are different than the ones with M. These hurt. I mean really hurt which makes me a bit nervous about labor. I know I can do it, but it still makes me a bit nervous.

Good news though is that baby is head down (which is a huge hurdle for me) and I am working on getting everything ready for the birth. I realized last night that according to dates, I am 34 weeks pregnant which means I could have a baby in 4 weeks! 4 WEEKS! Totally crazy! I feel like we need to get the birth kit ordered now and get our birth basket ready to go.

I also feel this need to have the house clean all the time. Like I follow behind the kids (and H) picking up everything. Nesting is in full effect!

I'm feeling baby move a ton and getting really uncomfortable (not that I'm complaining) and I am realizing how much I am going to miss being pregnant when I am not anymore. I feel so blessed to get to carry this baby and birth this baby and love this baby when he/she is earthside.

mama instincts at work or not

I have been hearing all sorts of VBAC and homebirth horror stories lately and I am starting to get scared about this whole baby coming out of my body business that is going to happen in less than 3 months. (less than THREE MONTHS! the idea of having 3 people depend on me day in and day out scares me too, but that is for another time)

I also truly believe and trust in my mama instinct. It has never steered me wrong. But my issue is that I am having a hard time telling the difference between my mama instinct and fear placed in my brain from outside sources. I don't want to ignore my mama instinct, but I also don't want to do something I don't really want to do because of fear.

So last night I went out with my VBAC buddy and we talked about it a bit. I got some of my feelings out and she said something that made a lot of sense. She said when she was planning her VBA2C and started to feel fear or doubt, she sort of tired on the other option. She said she would think about calling the OB and telling him that she wanted to just schedule a c/s and see how that idea made her feel. As soon as she said that I thought about going to the hospital and I knew that wasn't for us. I really don't feel safe there anymore. That made me feel like we are making the right choice for us and that the fear I am feeling is not my own.

I really need to work on paying attention to the things I read so I can keep the bad out of my brain and listen to my mama voice. It is there for a reason and I totally trust it.

the scariest moments

I took the kids to Target yesterday while we were out running errands and we were looking at the clothes when V said he didn't want to sit in the stroller anymore. Usually, if he gets out he will stand near me, so I told him he could get out, but he had to stay next to me. Well, he stood next to me for a minute or two and then he took off running through the clothing racks. I ran after him (big belly, stroller, and all), but when I got to the back of the area he wasn't there. (he had weaved in and out of racks I just can't move as fast as he can anymore!)

I started screaming his name and after I don't know how long I am running back and forth (with the stroller still since M is still in it) screaming his name and crying. A Target employee came up and within seconds was on her little speaker thing calling out a "Code Yellow." Other people were helping me look for him, but all they knew was that he was wearing a red shirt because that is all I could get out through my tears (well that and his name) and how many kids are wearing red shirts at Christmastime!

I don't have any idea how long he was actually gone for, but it felt like an eternity. I had all of these horrible visions running through my head and kept thinking that they needed to lock the doors to the store. Finally, a lady called out that she saw him and when he saw me crying he realized something was wrong and I think that scared him.

I have never been so happy and so mad all at the same time before.

After that we paid for our things and went home. The whole way home, V kept saying "I'm sorry I ran from you Mama." I tried to explain to him how dangerous it is, but I don't think it sank into his little three-year-old brain. I called H to tell him and started bawling again, and after he calmed me down he started laughing. He said it must have been pretty funny to see this big pregnant lady running around screaming and crying pushing my monster of a stroller! He also said people were probably thinking "this lady can't even handle the two kids she has, how is she going to handle THREE!?!" He's probably right, and sometimes I don't even know how I'm going to do it, but I figure I will figure it out!

confession

I drive a van. A mini-van. A mom-van. A mom-bus. A big green ugly kid-toting mobile. And I LOVE it! I mean I really really love it.

When my sedan's engine started going out a couple of months ago, H and I discussed whether to fix it or just get a new car for me then, since we would have to before baby comes anyway. We decided to just get our bigger car then and we debated between an SUV and a van. I wanted an SUV because I just didn't want to drive a van. I mean they are big and ugly and old people drive vans. People who wear mom jeans drive vans. Vans were not for me! At the end of the day though, we decided the van would be easier with 3 kids. I was sort of upset to be driving a van, but decided I needed to just get over it.

Now though, I love the stupid thing! It is so easy to get the kids in and out and I love that the doors open on their own. It will be easier with the baby than an SUV I am sure, especially since all 3 kids will be rear-facing. It is so easy to change M's diaper or to put groceries in or anything. I just love it.

So there is it. I drive a mini-van. And I like it :)

at peace

I have really been letting negative comments about our birth plans get to me lately and it has made me sort of lose trust in my body and my baby. That makes me really scared because I feel like so much of labor and birth, and pregnancy even, are about mindset. I don't want to fear any of it. I want to be confident and strong. I feel like with V's pregnancy and birth I was scared and nervous and with M's I was not. I was confident and strong and I feel like I need to be there mentally again.

I have been feeling baby move a lot this pregnancy and it is amazing! But most of the movement I was feeling was down low, which sort of gives me faith that my placenta isn't near my c/s incision or anterior, but it also made me think baby was breech. One of the midwives and I had a really short discussion about breech birth because that is a big part of my baggage. I am scared of a breech baby. She said that if baby is breech, as long as he/she is butt down, vaginal birth, and homebirth, is still an option. I think just hearing that (even though I knew that already) gave me a lot of peace. That isn't something I have to worry about. Funny thing is that a few days after she and I had that chat, I am fairly sure baby flipped and is head down now. I get a lot of strong kicks at the top of my belly.

I also laid in bed the other night and just talked to my baby. I think that really brought me to a better place where I again feel confident in our birth choices. I know that we are doing what we feel is best for our baby, for me, and for our family. I feel like I can really get excited about having a new member of our family.

H and I have also been discussing a lot about whether or not we want to know if baby is a boy or a girl and I think we are pretty set now on waiting until his/her birthday to find out. I just love the excitement and selfishly, I feel like it gives me something to focus on during pushing. Since baby and I had our little chat the other night though, I have a really strong feeling about baby's gender :)

So at somewhere around 23-25 weeks, I am feeling good. I am feeling confident. I am feeling strong. I feel prepared to welcome our newest little miracle (but not for another 12ish weeks at least!)