The woman I love to hate

Is Jillian Michaels. Really, I do. Sometimes I hate to love her too, but mostly I love to hate her.

She and I have been having five dates a week for about a month now and I am really noticing some changes. Actually, I am not so much noticing changes on my body (I do notice that I can pull my jeans up and down without unbuttoning them), as I think H is. The other night we were cuddling on the couch and he said something about how skinny I am getting. Now if those aren't words I love to hear, I don't know what are!

Then today, I saw a guy H works with that I haven't seen in a month or so and he said I was looking really thin. It made me feel really good (and make a wise choice at lunch--black bean burger with a salad and fruit). It makes me feel like all my hard work is getting me somewhere.

It also makes me want to re-evaluate my weight loss goals though.

When I was in high school I used to run cross-country and track and I was pretty fit. I was running 13 miles a day at least 6 days a week and usually at least 5 on the 7th day. Well, then I got hurt and stopped running but I kept eating. And eating. And eating. I didn't realize I was gaining weight though because I was shopping weekly and just kept buying new clothes. (Those were also the days when I had a pretty good paying job-for a 16 year old-and no bills.) I can distinctly remember thinking that the sizes on the clothes I was buying were changing, but it must just be the clothing manufacturers changing them.

It was not until around high school graduation when I went swimsuit shopping with H (he was not my husband then though) that it hit me. I couldn't buy a juniors size swimsuit because juniors sizes didn't go that high. That was my turning point.

Although it should have been when I overheard someone else who was looking at prom pictures point to H and I and say "there's a fat couple in every group, huh?" Nope, that didn't do it. That just sent me to the ice cream.

That summer though, I decided to join Weight Watchers and lost 47 lbs. I kept that weight off until I got pregnant with V. I didn't gain much with his pregnancy, but it was HARD to get that weight off after he was born. Really really hard. I did it though and was back down to my pre-pregnancy weight when he was about 3 months old (which was actually 4 lbs more than I weighed when I hit my goal, but still a comfortable weight for me).

Then I got pregnant with M and started following the Brewer Diet http://www.bradleybirth.com/PD.aspx. I gained about 5 lbs more with M than I did with V, but the weight came of faster at first. The last 5 lbs or so were a fight though. A knock down drag out fight, but they are gone now and they took 3 more with them. Thank goodness.

I have been working my rear off following Weight Watchers food plan and working out though. And I sort of just want to sit down and eat a gallon of ice cream, 2 dozen chocolate chip cookies, a bag of M&Ms, and potato chips dipped in sour cream. That would be my heaven. But I also want to lose another 2-7 lbs.

But heaven sounds so delicious, that maybe I am okay where I am. I can't decide. I am also sort of afraid that if I lose more, I will just have more flabby loose skin. Especially my belly skin. And then there is my shelf (what I not-so-affectionately refer to the flap of skin above my c-section scar) that keeps getting bigger as I get smaller. And I would have to buy new clothes. That is a good and a bad thing.

I am just torn I think. And I think it is going to be hella-hard to lose more weight since I have been toying with the same couple of pounds for a couple of weeks. But I have also not been so faithful (like eating a handful of M&Ms and not counting the POINTS).

Maybe tonight I will eat ice cream and tomorrow I will worry about my waist...