mama instincts at work or not

I have been hearing all sorts of VBAC and homebirth horror stories lately and I am starting to get scared about this whole baby coming out of my body business that is going to happen in less than 3 months. (less than THREE MONTHS! the idea of having 3 people depend on me day in and day out scares me too, but that is for another time)

I also truly believe and trust in my mama instinct. It has never steered me wrong. But my issue is that I am having a hard time telling the difference between my mama instinct and fear placed in my brain from outside sources. I don't want to ignore my mama instinct, but I also don't want to do something I don't really want to do because of fear.

So last night I went out with my VBAC buddy and we talked about it a bit. I got some of my feelings out and she said something that made a lot of sense. She said when she was planning her VBA2C and started to feel fear or doubt, she sort of tired on the other option. She said she would think about calling the OB and telling him that she wanted to just schedule a c/s and see how that idea made her feel. As soon as she said that I thought about going to the hospital and I knew that wasn't for us. I really don't feel safe there anymore. That made me feel like we are making the right choice for us and that the fear I am feeling is not my own.

I really need to work on paying attention to the things I read so I can keep the bad out of my brain and listen to my mama voice. It is there for a reason and I totally trust it.

the scariest moments

I took the kids to Target yesterday while we were out running errands and we were looking at the clothes when V said he didn't want to sit in the stroller anymore. Usually, if he gets out he will stand near me, so I told him he could get out, but he had to stay next to me. Well, he stood next to me for a minute or two and then he took off running through the clothing racks. I ran after him (big belly, stroller, and all), but when I got to the back of the area he wasn't there. (he had weaved in and out of racks I just can't move as fast as he can anymore!)

I started screaming his name and after I don't know how long I am running back and forth (with the stroller still since M is still in it) screaming his name and crying. A Target employee came up and within seconds was on her little speaker thing calling out a "Code Yellow." Other people were helping me look for him, but all they knew was that he was wearing a red shirt because that is all I could get out through my tears (well that and his name) and how many kids are wearing red shirts at Christmastime!

I don't have any idea how long he was actually gone for, but it felt like an eternity. I had all of these horrible visions running through my head and kept thinking that they needed to lock the doors to the store. Finally, a lady called out that she saw him and when he saw me crying he realized something was wrong and I think that scared him.

I have never been so happy and so mad all at the same time before.

After that we paid for our things and went home. The whole way home, V kept saying "I'm sorry I ran from you Mama." I tried to explain to him how dangerous it is, but I don't think it sank into his little three-year-old brain. I called H to tell him and started bawling again, and after he calmed me down he started laughing. He said it must have been pretty funny to see this big pregnant lady running around screaming and crying pushing my monster of a stroller! He also said people were probably thinking "this lady can't even handle the two kids she has, how is she going to handle THREE!?!" He's probably right, and sometimes I don't even know how I'm going to do it, but I figure I will figure it out!

confession

I drive a van. A mini-van. A mom-van. A mom-bus. A big green ugly kid-toting mobile. And I LOVE it! I mean I really really love it.

When my sedan's engine started going out a couple of months ago, H and I discussed whether to fix it or just get a new car for me then, since we would have to before baby comes anyway. We decided to just get our bigger car then and we debated between an SUV and a van. I wanted an SUV because I just didn't want to drive a van. I mean they are big and ugly and old people drive vans. People who wear mom jeans drive vans. Vans were not for me! At the end of the day though, we decided the van would be easier with 3 kids. I was sort of upset to be driving a van, but decided I needed to just get over it.

Now though, I love the stupid thing! It is so easy to get the kids in and out and I love that the doors open on their own. It will be easier with the baby than an SUV I am sure, especially since all 3 kids will be rear-facing. It is so easy to change M's diaper or to put groceries in or anything. I just love it.

So there is it. I drive a mini-van. And I like it :)