Today marks 3 months since S died. It seems so long ago and so not long ago all at once.
It feels like it has been ages since I've talked to him. Since I've kissed him. Since I've heard him laugh. At the same time I wonder how I have survived 3 months without him. What a crazy feeling.
Part of me wonders how the kids and I are going to live this life without him and then part of me knows we can because we've gotten this far. It hasn't always been fun and it hasn't been easy, but we have done it.
I feel like I am forgetting him. It is getting hard to remember what his hands felt like in mine. Or what his voice sounded like. Or what he smelled like. At V's counseling session today, the counselor asked V what he liked to do with Daddy. V said they liked to smash cars (which I can assure you never happened) and then he asked me what S and I liked to do together. It took me a second to think of something because it feels like it has been so long since I've done anything with him. That makes me really sad and really scared.
I don't want to forget him. I want to remember everything. I want to be able to tell the kids everything about him. I want them to at least know who he was through me and I am scared I won't be able to tell them.
It also makes me think about the last 10 years. How can I forget them so quickly? I have heard that sometimes this happens. Sometimes, widows start to forget, but the memories come back. I pray they do for me. I need to remember everything.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
this emotional roller coaster
Today H's best friend came over and we went through some of H's tools and such in the garage. It was not as emotional as I thought it would be, but basically we just moved stuff around. We put together a little bag of tools that I am going to keep for me and separated out some tools that I am going to keep for the kids. The rest of it we left for me to eventually maybe sell.
I don't know why I am so attached to his things. I mean they are just that, THINGS! Some of it is even things he didn't even really care about. He had no attachment to them, so why do I? H's friend made a good point that in a month I'm going to miss H, not his motorcycle jack. That is true, but somehow I can't bring myself to start the process of having his things leave my house.
I did put some of his clothes in bins a couple of weeks ago. I am having quilts made with his clothes (one for me and each of the kids) and I really want to give them to the kids on his birthday in November. In order to do that they have to leave my closet. I know that, but I just don't want them to. So silly, I know.
The man who killed him was arrested Tuesday. He posted bond and his preliminary hearing will be in December. I thought that might bring me some sort of peace, to know that this is starting so it will be over, but it didn't. I feel really badly for the man. I don't want him to worry or be scared or anything like that. All I want is for him to look me and my kids in the eyes and tell us how sorry he is. I want him to know what he took. I just want an apology.
I don't know if he will give me that or not though. He plead "not guilty" but the DA's office also said the judges won't let them enter a plea of "guilty" at this point even if they want to. I don't know how he feels about the whole thing.
I'm also half scared that he's going to kick the bucket before any of this really starts. Then I won't ever know what happened from his point of view. I won't know what he thought. I won't know what he did.
Did he run to him on the street? Did he hold his hand and tell him he was sorry? Did he let him know that help was coming? Did he even see him? It's all just so much to think about.
It's on the sad days that I find myself consumed with these thoughts. And it is so hard because no one understands. The one person who I could always turn to, the one person who knew what I was feeling without me having to say it, the one person who was always there to make me feel better is gone. It's this crazy feeling when the person I miss so much and want back so much and need so much and want so much to help me get through this is the person I can't have.
Sometimes I still think he's coming home. Sometimes I think I see him or hear him for just a second. Sometimes I look forward to those seconds. It's almost like I have him back.
I don't know why I am so attached to his things. I mean they are just that, THINGS! Some of it is even things he didn't even really care about. He had no attachment to them, so why do I? H's friend made a good point that in a month I'm going to miss H, not his motorcycle jack. That is true, but somehow I can't bring myself to start the process of having his things leave my house.
I did put some of his clothes in bins a couple of weeks ago. I am having quilts made with his clothes (one for me and each of the kids) and I really want to give them to the kids on his birthday in November. In order to do that they have to leave my closet. I know that, but I just don't want them to. So silly, I know.
The man who killed him was arrested Tuesday. He posted bond and his preliminary hearing will be in December. I thought that might bring me some sort of peace, to know that this is starting so it will be over, but it didn't. I feel really badly for the man. I don't want him to worry or be scared or anything like that. All I want is for him to look me and my kids in the eyes and tell us how sorry he is. I want him to know what he took. I just want an apology.
I don't know if he will give me that or not though. He plead "not guilty" but the DA's office also said the judges won't let them enter a plea of "guilty" at this point even if they want to. I don't know how he feels about the whole thing.
I'm also half scared that he's going to kick the bucket before any of this really starts. Then I won't ever know what happened from his point of view. I won't know what he thought. I won't know what he did.
Did he run to him on the street? Did he hold his hand and tell him he was sorry? Did he let him know that help was coming? Did he even see him? It's all just so much to think about.
It's on the sad days that I find myself consumed with these thoughts. And it is so hard because no one understands. The one person who I could always turn to, the one person who knew what I was feeling without me having to say it, the one person who was always there to make me feel better is gone. It's this crazy feeling when the person I miss so much and want back so much and need so much and want so much to help me get through this is the person I can't have.
Sometimes I still think he's coming home. Sometimes I think I see him or hear him for just a second. Sometimes I look forward to those seconds. It's almost like I have him back.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
"If you can't change your fate...
"If you can't change your fate, change your attitude" -Amy Tan
I just came across this quote and it really struck me. Mostly because I have decided to change my attitude. The last few weeks have been especially hard. He has been dead for 11 weeks and one day. 78 days today. The DA called me last week and said they are having a seminar about how the court proceedings will work and asked me to attend. The man who killed him is being charged with negligent homicide. I don't know how I feel about all of this yet, but it doesn't really matter how I feel. I don't have any say in any of it.
Anyway, after talking with the DA's office, it sort of made all of this real and that sucks. I have noticed many of the relationships around me changing and that sucks (though some of it is good). Nights have gotten lonelier and that sucks. Basically, just a lot of sucking going on.
So, before I went to bed I asked H to help me to get through all of this. To tell me what I am supposed to do. As I ask him every night, I asked to see him in my dreams. Up until that night, I had only had 3 dreams (that I remember) since he died. All 3 were about him and only one of the 3 was a really good dream.
That night I had 3 dreams. He basically told me that this is how it was always supposed to be. And he wants me to move forward. He wants me to continue my life. He doesn't want me to cry over him. He wants me to be happy.
So, I decided that I need to change my attitude. I need to stop thinking so much about what should have been or what could have been. This is what should have been for whatever reason and that means that nothing different could have been.
I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and I still question what that reason could be, but I know there has to be one. There just does. And I may never know what it is, and I am okay with that (mostly).
I miss him every day and I don't think that will ever stop. I will love him for the rest of my life. He was an amazing man and he loved the hell out of me and our kids. But none of that changes what happened. Wishing and hoping and praying isn't going to change it. All that is going to do is make me sad and he made it pretty clear to me that he doesn't want that for me. So, really, all that's left to do is change my attitude.
That is not to say that I am not sad, or that I won't ever be sad, or that his death doesn't hurt. It just means that I am not going to let this horrible thing turn my life into a horrible thing. I will find happiness. Consider me officially changed.
I just came across this quote and it really struck me. Mostly because I have decided to change my attitude. The last few weeks have been especially hard. He has been dead for 11 weeks and one day. 78 days today. The DA called me last week and said they are having a seminar about how the court proceedings will work and asked me to attend. The man who killed him is being charged with negligent homicide. I don't know how I feel about all of this yet, but it doesn't really matter how I feel. I don't have any say in any of it.
Anyway, after talking with the DA's office, it sort of made all of this real and that sucks. I have noticed many of the relationships around me changing and that sucks (though some of it is good). Nights have gotten lonelier and that sucks. Basically, just a lot of sucking going on.
So, before I went to bed I asked H to help me to get through all of this. To tell me what I am supposed to do. As I ask him every night, I asked to see him in my dreams. Up until that night, I had only had 3 dreams (that I remember) since he died. All 3 were about him and only one of the 3 was a really good dream.
That night I had 3 dreams. He basically told me that this is how it was always supposed to be. And he wants me to move forward. He wants me to continue my life. He doesn't want me to cry over him. He wants me to be happy.
So, I decided that I need to change my attitude. I need to stop thinking so much about what should have been or what could have been. This is what should have been for whatever reason and that means that nothing different could have been.
I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and I still question what that reason could be, but I know there has to be one. There just does. And I may never know what it is, and I am okay with that (mostly).
I miss him every day and I don't think that will ever stop. I will love him for the rest of my life. He was an amazing man and he loved the hell out of me and our kids. But none of that changes what happened. Wishing and hoping and praying isn't going to change it. All that is going to do is make me sad and he made it pretty clear to me that he doesn't want that for me. So, really, all that's left to do is change my attitude.
That is not to say that I am not sad, or that I won't ever be sad, or that his death doesn't hurt. It just means that I am not going to let this horrible thing turn my life into a horrible thing. I will find happiness. Consider me officially changed.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
realizations from church
I have been trying to find a church I like and today we tried a new one. I almost feel like God is sending me to these different churches because I need the message at that church that week. The message this week really resonated with me. Not the whole message, but a specific part of it. Well, 2 actually.
The lesser of the two is Proverbs 18:24
A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
That just made me think of H because he didn't have a ton of friends, but the friends he had were family.
The most impactful part that stuck with me was about having a person or people who know everything about you. Someone who is honest with you all the time. Someone you can trust. H was my someone. We had no secrets. He knew everything about me. I told him everything. He was always honest with me. He would tell me when I was acting crazy and pull me back when I was going overboard. I can remember clothes shopping with him when we were first dating and he would tell me when the clothes didn't look good (he said it nicely, but I knew what he was saying). I knew even back then that we were supposed to be together. He was the only person I had in my life with that type of honesty and trust.
So when he died, I didn't just lose my husband. I didn't just lose my best friend. I didn't just lose my housemate. I didn't just lose my provider. I didn't just lose my confidant. I lost me. A part of me died the day he died. He knew everything about me and I about him. We were one. And he took part of me with him.
So that leaves me to redefine who I am. Not just in the sense that I am now a widow, now a single mom, but also that I am not his. I am finding that to be really hard to do. I don't know how to be a single person. I have been half of a couple for so long that I think I have forgotten how to be a single. And I don't want to remember.
I made dinner tonight and I didn't think to halve the recipe. The kids and I will be eating fritatta for days. I bought lettuce the other day and I didn't think that I don't need as much anymore. I have all of these big important decisions to make like where I am going to live and where the kids are going to go to school and I don't know how to make them on my own.
Now, that is not to say that I can't do it or that I didn't have a part in those decisions when he was alive. I did, but I had someone to bounce things off of and I had his opinion and feelings to take into consideration and he mine. Now, I have to think about what he would want and hope that I am doing what he would want and honoring him.
I made a big decision already. I had my sister come and take the dog to live with her. He was his dog. I mean we got him together, but he wasn't mine. They were buds and I had to admit to myself that I can't give him a good life. He is too big and I just don't have the time or the energy to care for him. I had been feeding him and making sure he had water, but that was it. I know my sister can give him a better life. It just hurts to have him gone. Not having the dog here means H isn't coming home.
And admitting that hurts. It hurts more than I could ever imagine hurting. It is an all encompassing hurt. It hurts on all levels. I get physically nauseous when I think about the fact that I won't get to feel his arms around me. Hear him say he loves me. Feel his lips on mine. It physically hurts me. And the emotional hurt in just indescribable. Being dead just lasts so long.
The lesser of the two is Proverbs 18:24
A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
That just made me think of H because he didn't have a ton of friends, but the friends he had were family.
The most impactful part that stuck with me was about having a person or people who know everything about you. Someone who is honest with you all the time. Someone you can trust. H was my someone. We had no secrets. He knew everything about me. I told him everything. He was always honest with me. He would tell me when I was acting crazy and pull me back when I was going overboard. I can remember clothes shopping with him when we were first dating and he would tell me when the clothes didn't look good (he said it nicely, but I knew what he was saying). I knew even back then that we were supposed to be together. He was the only person I had in my life with that type of honesty and trust.
So when he died, I didn't just lose my husband. I didn't just lose my best friend. I didn't just lose my housemate. I didn't just lose my provider. I didn't just lose my confidant. I lost me. A part of me died the day he died. He knew everything about me and I about him. We were one. And he took part of me with him.
So that leaves me to redefine who I am. Not just in the sense that I am now a widow, now a single mom, but also that I am not his. I am finding that to be really hard to do. I don't know how to be a single person. I have been half of a couple for so long that I think I have forgotten how to be a single. And I don't want to remember.
I made dinner tonight and I didn't think to halve the recipe. The kids and I will be eating fritatta for days. I bought lettuce the other day and I didn't think that I don't need as much anymore. I have all of these big important decisions to make like where I am going to live and where the kids are going to go to school and I don't know how to make them on my own.
Now, that is not to say that I can't do it or that I didn't have a part in those decisions when he was alive. I did, but I had someone to bounce things off of and I had his opinion and feelings to take into consideration and he mine. Now, I have to think about what he would want and hope that I am doing what he would want and honoring him.
I made a big decision already. I had my sister come and take the dog to live with her. He was his dog. I mean we got him together, but he wasn't mine. They were buds and I had to admit to myself that I can't give him a good life. He is too big and I just don't have the time or the energy to care for him. I had been feeding him and making sure he had water, but that was it. I know my sister can give him a better life. It just hurts to have him gone. Not having the dog here means H isn't coming home.
And admitting that hurts. It hurts more than I could ever imagine hurting. It is an all encompassing hurt. It hurts on all levels. I get physically nauseous when I think about the fact that I won't get to feel his arms around me. Hear him say he loves me. Feel his lips on mine. It physically hurts me. And the emotional hurt in just indescribable. Being dead just lasts so long.
Friday, September 2, 2011
the club--and ramblings
I just finished this post and decided that I should say that I am writing this blog really for me. I mean I know other people can read it, it is on the internet afterall, but it is really for me. I find it very cathartic to get my thoughts and feelings out. I have a notebook at home too that I write it, but sometimes I prefer to type.
I also haven't been proofreading what I've been writing. So any typos aren't going to be caught. Oops.
____________________________________
I am part of an exclusive club. Not many people my age are in the club. Not many people even close to my age are in this club. Sadly, I am not the youngest. I am part of the widows club. It is a club that I never thought I would be in. Most people don't. Tragedy doesn't happen to us anyway. It always happens to other people. Until it doesn't.
I have "met" a lot of other people in this club. I have found support online from others in this shit club. They know what it is to be living life and enjoying life and then have life ripped away. Sadly, others know this hurt.
Those farther in this journey than me have said that people they thought were their friends aren't anymore. They just stopped calling, stopped visiting. Talking to a "young widow" made them uncomfortable. I am so scared that is going to happen to me. I feel so alone as it is because my best friend is gone.
I am just so confused. I don't understand how he can be gone. He was such a big, strong man and I don't see how he could be dead. It just doesn't make sense to me. Other people have been in motorcycle accidents, accidents similar to his even and they are fine. Why is he not?
So many people were praying, why didn't God answer our prayers? I mean this was a big one. Screw the stupid prayers I have prayed. I feel like I wasted prayers on shit when I should have been saving them up. There is nothing in this world that I wouldn't give to have him here with me. Nothing. This life is just not the same without him.
I feel so overwhelmed. There are so many decisions to make, decisions we would have made together that are all on me now. I don't do well with making decisions. He always made them and I just argued if I didn't like it.
In the 6 or so months before he died, I feel like he knew something was going to happen. He tried to get me to understand things I just didn't care about. Almost like he knew I would need to know. I should have listened to him, but I didn't. He got nearly everything in the house done so I have nothing really left to do. The few things left I can do or his friend has offered to help me with. He did special things with the kids before he died. He made sure we all knew that he loved us.
He worked so much this last year though. He spent so many hours at work. He was working hard so we could have a better life. We were sacrificing now for the future. I'm pissed that we did that. We planned ahead and we were planning to retire when he was about 50 and travel the world and just enjoy eachother. Retirement was 19 years away and now all of that is gone. I mean the planning is still there, but the future is gone. I wish we had been irresponsible and figured that we would deal with the future in the future.
I wish he got to do all the things he wanted to do in his life. I heard something today about how 30 isn't old and I thought that it was for him.
It all still just doesn't seem real. I don't know that I want it to though. The kids and I ate dinner at the table last night and the night before. I couldn't do it again tonight though. It is just so hard doing things without him. I need to decide where I want to live, what I want the kids to do for school, and what to eat for dinner. All things I don't want to do alone.
I was folding laundry yesterday and a pair of my shorts were inside out and I thought for just a second they were his. It was so weird.
Everything in my life is just so different. I mean, really, nothing is the same. The laundry is different because his isn't there (although some of his stuff is because I wear his clothes to bed and around the house), the garage is different because his car is gone (its coming back, but its getting fixed right now), the entry way is different because his shoes aren't there. The bathroom is different because his towel isn't there. My bed is different because he isn't in. There is no one to call when the kids do the cute things they do (today I told M to hold hands and she didn't put her hand up for me to grab. I went to grab her and realized she was holding her hands together in front of her. So cute, and something I definitely would have called H to tell him about). When I make dinner, well, I don't make dinner. When I make lunches, I am one short. When I clean up after dinner, I don't put the leftovers in a container for him to take to work for lunch. When I clean the kitchen after dinner, G is usually crying because I can't wash dishes and hold her and there isn't anyone here to hold her. The kids have to play alone during that time too since he's not here to play with them. I have to brush the kids teeth. Things are so different.
And then there are the things that still are the same. His clothes still hang in the closet. His tools are still in their place in the garage. His toothbrush is still in the bathroom where he left it. His cologne is in the drawer. His clothes are are still in the dressers. His food is still in the pantry/fridge/freezer.
I can't bring myself to get rid of his things. Even the things that I should. Like the food only he ate. I decided the other day that I was going to go through the pantry and donate the food that only he liked. I took out 2 bottles of BBQ Sauce and couldn't go any farther. I put them both back. There is food in the freezer that I had gotten for his lunches. I can't take it out. I just want to feel him around me. I want to know hes here in spirit at least.
This is all so hard. This is not how I wanted my life to be. This is not how he would want my life to be. I should not be here, not in this club. I want to revoke my membership.
I also haven't been proofreading what I've been writing. So any typos aren't going to be caught. Oops.
____________________________________
I am part of an exclusive club. Not many people my age are in the club. Not many people even close to my age are in this club. Sadly, I am not the youngest. I am part of the widows club. It is a club that I never thought I would be in. Most people don't. Tragedy doesn't happen to us anyway. It always happens to other people. Until it doesn't.
I have "met" a lot of other people in this club. I have found support online from others in this shit club. They know what it is to be living life and enjoying life and then have life ripped away. Sadly, others know this hurt.
Those farther in this journey than me have said that people they thought were their friends aren't anymore. They just stopped calling, stopped visiting. Talking to a "young widow" made them uncomfortable. I am so scared that is going to happen to me. I feel so alone as it is because my best friend is gone.
I am just so confused. I don't understand how he can be gone. He was such a big, strong man and I don't see how he could be dead. It just doesn't make sense to me. Other people have been in motorcycle accidents, accidents similar to his even and they are fine. Why is he not?
So many people were praying, why didn't God answer our prayers? I mean this was a big one. Screw the stupid prayers I have prayed. I feel like I wasted prayers on shit when I should have been saving them up. There is nothing in this world that I wouldn't give to have him here with me. Nothing. This life is just not the same without him.
I feel so overwhelmed. There are so many decisions to make, decisions we would have made together that are all on me now. I don't do well with making decisions. He always made them and I just argued if I didn't like it.
In the 6 or so months before he died, I feel like he knew something was going to happen. He tried to get me to understand things I just didn't care about. Almost like he knew I would need to know. I should have listened to him, but I didn't. He got nearly everything in the house done so I have nothing really left to do. The few things left I can do or his friend has offered to help me with. He did special things with the kids before he died. He made sure we all knew that he loved us.
He worked so much this last year though. He spent so many hours at work. He was working hard so we could have a better life. We were sacrificing now for the future. I'm pissed that we did that. We planned ahead and we were planning to retire when he was about 50 and travel the world and just enjoy eachother. Retirement was 19 years away and now all of that is gone. I mean the planning is still there, but the future is gone. I wish we had been irresponsible and figured that we would deal with the future in the future.
I wish he got to do all the things he wanted to do in his life. I heard something today about how 30 isn't old and I thought that it was for him.
It all still just doesn't seem real. I don't know that I want it to though. The kids and I ate dinner at the table last night and the night before. I couldn't do it again tonight though. It is just so hard doing things without him. I need to decide where I want to live, what I want the kids to do for school, and what to eat for dinner. All things I don't want to do alone.
I was folding laundry yesterday and a pair of my shorts were inside out and I thought for just a second they were his. It was so weird.
Everything in my life is just so different. I mean, really, nothing is the same. The laundry is different because his isn't there (although some of his stuff is because I wear his clothes to bed and around the house), the garage is different because his car is gone (its coming back, but its getting fixed right now), the entry way is different because his shoes aren't there. The bathroom is different because his towel isn't there. My bed is different because he isn't in. There is no one to call when the kids do the cute things they do (today I told M to hold hands and she didn't put her hand up for me to grab. I went to grab her and realized she was holding her hands together in front of her. So cute, and something I definitely would have called H to tell him about). When I make dinner, well, I don't make dinner. When I make lunches, I am one short. When I clean up after dinner, I don't put the leftovers in a container for him to take to work for lunch. When I clean the kitchen after dinner, G is usually crying because I can't wash dishes and hold her and there isn't anyone here to hold her. The kids have to play alone during that time too since he's not here to play with them. I have to brush the kids teeth. Things are so different.
And then there are the things that still are the same. His clothes still hang in the closet. His tools are still in their place in the garage. His toothbrush is still in the bathroom where he left it. His cologne is in the drawer. His clothes are are still in the dressers. His food is still in the pantry/fridge/freezer.
I can't bring myself to get rid of his things. Even the things that I should. Like the food only he ate. I decided the other day that I was going to go through the pantry and donate the food that only he liked. I took out 2 bottles of BBQ Sauce and couldn't go any farther. I put them both back. There is food in the freezer that I had gotten for his lunches. I can't take it out. I just want to feel him around me. I want to know hes here in spirit at least.
This is all so hard. This is not how I wanted my life to be. This is not how he would want my life to be. I should not be here, not in this club. I want to revoke my membership.
who he was part deux
After I posted my post about who he was, I decided that I am going to print it and put it in the kid's "daddy book" (a scrapbook I am making about their Daddy). I also thought of so many more things I wanted to add, so I figured I would just add them here. So, here goes...
He liked "Teen Mom" and "16 and Pregnant." He liked "Teen Mom" better though because he said he got bored sometimes watching the same girl for an hour. I have meetings 2 Tuesdays a month and sometimes, if I got home late, he would tell me he watched without me!
He also liked "Sister Wives." I can remember one Sunday, he was going to clean out the garage and came into the bedroom to tell me something and realized it was one. He skipped the garage and watched with me. We went to the zoo one afternoon with a bunch of my friends. All of our kids were mixed up in everyones strollers and he was carrying someone elses kid on his shoulders. It was him and a bunch of moms and kids. We all joked that we REALLY looked like sister wives :)
He didn't like fruit. Occasionally, he would eat watermelon or strawberries if I cut them up, but he didn't like eating fruit because it got his hands dirty. He especially hated fruit in his food (apples and pork, fruit on cheesecake, etc). He always said "why ruin a perfectly good whatever with fruit!"
He loved pizza and hamburgers. They were by far his favorite foods. He also loved a good steak, but steak had nothing on a BBQ bacon cheeseburger.
He also loved brussel spouts and broccoli. And canned green beans.
He was a great cook. Our first Valentine's Day he made me dinner. Spaghetti with homemade sauce. Absolutely delish! He also made me dinner for Mother's Day this year. Spaghetti and homemade sauce again. And breadsticks. Except, he thought the recipe was for 6 individual breadsticks, but it was really for bread loaves, so he made 12 LOAVES of bread. So cute (and yummy!)
He also loved to grill. He would grill anything and didn't want me messing with his grill.
He wasn't a big reader, but recently he started reading more. He was a big fan of Brad Meltzer. He was also reading "Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters" when he died.
He loved history. Especially American history. He loved learning and talking about wars.
He frequently said "as serious as a heart attack" when I would ask him if he was serious. Drive me nuts!
He was very self conscious about his grey hair. At a Thunder game, some lady called him "touch of grey" and he came home and shaved his head.
He was also pretty conscious of his weight. He was super skinny when I met him and then gained a lot of weight before we started dating. After we got engaged, he lost a lot of weight, but put some back on after we got married (certainly not due to my cooking--that would have made him lose from not wanting to eat!) He got made fun of a lot as a kid for being "the fat kid" and he carried that with him into adulthood.
He was a kid at heart. He thought farting was burping were funny. He would frequently come into the room where I was, fart, and leave. Oddly enough, I miss that.
He took care of me. He took a lot of pride in taking care of his family. I didn't realize how much he really did for me until he died and I have to do it now. I have to take out the trash and the recycling. I have to take care of the lawn (thankfully other are mowing for me though). I had to put the new tag on the van. I have to wash my car. I have to take out the compost. I have to get the stool out to get things up high. I have to struggle with heavy things. I had to put a new battery in the garage door opener. I had to fix the stroller. I have to do all the kid's birthday and Christmas shopping.
He was just such a good man. He loved his family and we miss him so much. The kids each have a picture of him in their room and every night, before they go to bed, they say goodnight to Daddy and tell him they love him and they miss him. I know they miss their daddy.
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