ready or not!

I have been having some real issues with labor, birth, actually having a newborn to care for, lately. Like being scared. Really really scared that things won't be okay. That I won't have a healthy baby or I won't push my baby out or something terrible will happen and it will be all my fault.

Also, about not being able to be a good mom to 3 kids. I feel like I was a really good mom when I just had V. We played together all the time and I took him places and it was fun. When M came along, I couldn't be the same mom to him or to her. When we played, one of them either had to be bored or way over stimulated. We didn't go out as much because it is much harder to watch 2 kids than one. Now, don't get me wrong, we still have fun and we still play, but it is different with 2.

Now, add a third to that mix and I am terrified that I won't be able to do it. What if we never leave out house again! What if I lose one at the park! All of these what ifs get to me. That is the part that really scares me.

But the birth scares me too. I am scared because we don't have a doula. I am scared that labor will be really long (or really short) and I won't be able to handle it. I am scared that I was just lucky with M. I am scared of ending up on an operating table again. I am just scared.

The other night though, I had a dream that brought me a lot of peace. I dreamt that I woke up and felt this urge to push. So I did and out came a baby girl. Then I felt the urge to push again and I did and out came a baby boy. I laid the babies next to me in bed and pushed out my placenta and then walked to the kitchen and put it in a bowl in the fridge. I went back to the bedroom and was nursing one of the babies when H walked in and I told him I had the babies. He asked was it a boy or a girl and I told him one of each. He seemed okay with that and I asked him if we should call the midwives. He said sure, so we did. They didn't answer so we just went on like everything was fine and normal. I also told him it was a good thing we took the maternity pictures the day before and it was sad that we didn't even open the birth kit that came the day before. He asked if we could return it :)

When I actually woke up I was sort of disappointed that I hadn't given birth like that. I was disappointed that I didn't know how it would all turn out. But it also gave me some peace. Like my subconscious or something was telling me not to worry and not to put my energy into the worry. That everything will be okay. And I'm good with that.

So last night, I went though the birth kit to make sure everything is there and I got the rest of the things we need for the birth together in basket. I still have to get 2 more things when we go to the store this week, but other than that, the birth basket is ready. I am nearly 36 weeks pregnant and V was born at 38 and M at 39 so we shall see when this little ones decides to make his/her arrival. I feel ready though. I feel prepared. I feel like I can do it. Scratch that. I know I can and will do it!

funny things the kids say

the other day we were eating breakfast and V asked me where M sat when he was little and say in the highchair. I told him we didn't have her then and he asked when we bought her! Too funny!

Then the next day we were all reading the newspaper and he was looking at one of the ads where there was a picture of a baby. He said "Look, mama! We can buy a new sister!"

Kid cracks.me.up.

M is talking a ton now too. She is a little mimic and she loves to sing the Batman theme song. I frequently wake up to her singing. Nothing like waking up to "Batman. ba ba ba ba ba batman." from a 18 month old little girl (wow, I just realized my baby is 18 months on in 2 days! she is growing so fast!)

a snow day pregnancy update...labor what?

It has been a while since I have updated about this pregnancy so I feel the need to do so :)

First, I thought I might be having a baby a few weeks ago. I was about 30 weeks pregnant then (if my dates are right which they could be off probably up to 3 weeks either way) so I knew it was really early.

My best friend who moved to San Antonio a few months ago was coming to visit that weekend and the plan was to stay home Friday and clean the house. Thursday night I was just feeling off so I went to bed right after the kids did (around 7pm) and slept until morning (with pee breaks of course). Friday I still didn't feel right so cleaning went out the window (she loves me whether my house is tidy or not!). I had been having contractions off and on all day, but around 4pm I started to notice a bit of a pattern, plus they were getting stronger and longer and I had to stop what I was doing to breathe through some. After dinner (which I didn't eat-- I hadn't eaten all day) I was in the shower with the kids when BOOM, contractions were hard and serious. I started getting nervous and had H get the kids out of the shower and I just sat in the shower contracting. When I felt like I could get up, I did and laid in bed for a bit sipping water. The contractions didn't stop, but they slowed and didn't hurt as much. I have been having off and on contractions since then which is totally weird to me since I never had a contraction in my life until I went into labor with M.

Plus, these contractions are different than the ones with M. These hurt. I mean really hurt which makes me a bit nervous about labor. I know I can do it, but it still makes me a bit nervous.

Good news though is that baby is head down (which is a huge hurdle for me) and I am working on getting everything ready for the birth. I realized last night that according to dates, I am 34 weeks pregnant which means I could have a baby in 4 weeks! 4 WEEKS! Totally crazy! I feel like we need to get the birth kit ordered now and get our birth basket ready to go.

I also feel this need to have the house clean all the time. Like I follow behind the kids (and H) picking up everything. Nesting is in full effect!

I'm feeling baby move a ton and getting really uncomfortable (not that I'm complaining) and I am realizing how much I am going to miss being pregnant when I am not anymore. I feel so blessed to get to carry this baby and birth this baby and love this baby when he/she is earthside.