2011 started out as probably the best year of my life. S and I were in such a good place in our marriage. The last 10 or 11 months of our marriage were probably the best out of the whole 7 1/2 years.
S and I had a great anniversary celebration in 2011 and we had an amazing birth experience with G. The big kids were so much fun and S loved taking them to the zoo by himself in May. He had a blast at V's 4th birthday party and loved the Thunder games. I didn't realize it then, but our lives were pretty perfect.
The second half of the year left a lot to be desired, but I learned so much too. I learned that I am a whole hell of a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. I learned that I can survive pretty much anything. I learned what a fighter S was. I learned how much S loved me and our kids. I learned how to do things on my own. I learned that bad things happen to good people. I learned that I am not invincible. I learned to ask for help. I learned (again) to trust my instincts. I learned that life is bigger than me. I learned to be alone. I learned who my true friends are and how blessed I am to have them. I have learned so much.
It is sort of crazy to me to think that in a few hours, it will be 2012. S will never see 2012. Crazy to think about how many years are coming that he won't get to see.
I don't want to look back on 2011 and say it was a terrible year. Terrible things happened, yes, but amazing things happened too. I am so thankful for the gifts I got in 2011. I wish that I was able to learn the lessons of 2011 differently, but it is what it is and I trust that good things are coming for us.
I am looking forward to 2012.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
can't catch a break
A few months ago, my mom was watching all three kids while I went to counseling. When I came back to pick the kids up, G's whole face was red and splotchy. My mom said it looked a lot better than it had earlier and she wasn't sure what it was from. She said the rash started while she was feeding the big kids breakfast. She had served them french toast and gave G the spatula to play with. I thought it was weird, and just stored it in my mama memory bank.
A few weeks later, I was making the kids eggs and when V was finished eating, he gave G his fork to play with. A few minutes later, she had a rash all over her face. I thought that maybe she had a little egg allergy.
A few weeks after that, I was eating french toast, and she touched it on my plate. It never touched her face and I wiped her hand off right away. She broke out in a rash again. I thought it surely had something to do with the eggs.
She also won't eat food. She nurses, but she flat out refuses to eat solids. She is 9 months old and she won't eat. I did some research and found that kids with food allergies frequently won't eat until they are older because they instinctively know that some food can hurt them so they avoid all food. I started to wonder if G had an egg allergy.
So, at her 9 month check-up last week, I brought it up to her pediatrician. We decided to do a blood allergy test (which was absolutely terrible) and the doctor called yesterday to tell me that G is allergic to eggs and it is severe enough that she wants her to have an Epi-Pen just in case.
So, I picked it up yesterday and I will spend the next few weeks voiding my house of things with egg in them.
I am sort of scared for G. In the little research I have done, egg allergies are commonly outgrown, so that is hopeful because egg is in so much stuff! All of my easy go-to meals have egg (eggs, pancakes, pasta, bread). So many kid friendly foods have egg. And in our little playgroup, the kids always just sort of share snacks, and she won't be able to do that.
I'm also really scared of what could happen if she consumes egg. She breaks out in a rash from touching something that touched egg and it scares me that it could be really serious if she actually touches egg or gets some in her mouth. I know that I have the Epi-Pen now so I feel better, but it is still so scary.
It also makes me a little mad that I have to deal with all of this on my own. S is not here to talk about this stuff with. It is frustrating.
I am just worried about my baby. I just want life to be easy for my kids. I think things are hard enough for them and I am mad that things are making it harder. I just want normalcy.
A few weeks later, I was making the kids eggs and when V was finished eating, he gave G his fork to play with. A few minutes later, she had a rash all over her face. I thought that maybe she had a little egg allergy.
A few weeks after that, I was eating french toast, and she touched it on my plate. It never touched her face and I wiped her hand off right away. She broke out in a rash again. I thought it surely had something to do with the eggs.
She also won't eat food. She nurses, but she flat out refuses to eat solids. She is 9 months old and she won't eat. I did some research and found that kids with food allergies frequently won't eat until they are older because they instinctively know that some food can hurt them so they avoid all food. I started to wonder if G had an egg allergy.
So, at her 9 month check-up last week, I brought it up to her pediatrician. We decided to do a blood allergy test (which was absolutely terrible) and the doctor called yesterday to tell me that G is allergic to eggs and it is severe enough that she wants her to have an Epi-Pen just in case.
So, I picked it up yesterday and I will spend the next few weeks voiding my house of things with egg in them.
I am sort of scared for G. In the little research I have done, egg allergies are commonly outgrown, so that is hopeful because egg is in so much stuff! All of my easy go-to meals have egg (eggs, pancakes, pasta, bread). So many kid friendly foods have egg. And in our little playgroup, the kids always just sort of share snacks, and she won't be able to do that.
I'm also really scared of what could happen if she consumes egg. She breaks out in a rash from touching something that touched egg and it scares me that it could be really serious if she actually touches egg or gets some in her mouth. I know that I have the Epi-Pen now so I feel better, but it is still so scary.
It also makes me a little mad that I have to deal with all of this on my own. S is not here to talk about this stuff with. It is frustrating.
I am just worried about my baby. I just want life to be easy for my kids. I think things are hard enough for them and I am mad that things are making it harder. I just want normalcy.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Wrong
I thought Christmas wouldn't be harder than any other day, but it was. I was wrong. I don't know exactly what made it worse, but I have been much sadder the last 2 days. Yesterday was hard because I was baking all day with all three kids under my feet. Not an easy task, though I did bake 3 types of muffins and cookies. I also sliced a pound and a half of cranberries and dehydrated them AND cooked dinner (chicken, stacked potatoes, brussel sprouts--S's favorite, and cinnamon sweet potatoes). I also got the whole house clean and most of the laundry done. The kids loved putting the cranberries in the dehydrator and stacking the potatoes for me, so they still had fun I suppose.
I really went back and forth about whether or not I wanted to video Christmas morning like we have every other year. I decided not to, but then I thought that since this is G's first Christmas I need to have that on tape for her. So I did. It was really weird to watch the kids open their gifts alone. I really didn't like it.
I also remembered that when V was a baby, S and I said that we didn't want to celebrate Christmas with gifts. Instead, we wanted to take a family trip each year over Christmas and just get the kids something small. I decided I really like that idea again. Especially since the kids really don't need or want anything. I think when G gets a bit bigger we might start doing that.
This is the first Christmas in 10 years without S. We started dating in January 11 years ago. Crazy to think about how much things have changed.
He got into the accident 26 weeks ago today. V asked me today how many days Daddy has been dead. I did the math and it has been 181 days. I have survived 181 days without him in my life after 13 years with him in it.
Today was hard. I think New Years Eve will be harder. I have spent every New Years Eve with him for the past 11 years. This will be my first alone. It makes me want to cry. NYE used to be my favorite holiday. I loved looking forward to a new year and the fireworks and the excitement. So much of that seems gone without him.
I just don't know what to expect anymore. I don't know what to expect out of other people or myself. Things I think will be hard are not and things I think will be easy are not. Perhaps, I need to stop expecting anything and just let what will happen, happen.
I really went back and forth about whether or not I wanted to video Christmas morning like we have every other year. I decided not to, but then I thought that since this is G's first Christmas I need to have that on tape for her. So I did. It was really weird to watch the kids open their gifts alone. I really didn't like it.
I also remembered that when V was a baby, S and I said that we didn't want to celebrate Christmas with gifts. Instead, we wanted to take a family trip each year over Christmas and just get the kids something small. I decided I really like that idea again. Especially since the kids really don't need or want anything. I think when G gets a bit bigger we might start doing that.
This is the first Christmas in 10 years without S. We started dating in January 11 years ago. Crazy to think about how much things have changed.
He got into the accident 26 weeks ago today. V asked me today how many days Daddy has been dead. I did the math and it has been 181 days. I have survived 181 days without him in my life after 13 years with him in it.
Today was hard. I think New Years Eve will be harder. I have spent every New Years Eve with him for the past 11 years. This will be my first alone. It makes me want to cry. NYE used to be my favorite holiday. I loved looking forward to a new year and the fireworks and the excitement. So much of that seems gone without him.
I just don't know what to expect anymore. I don't know what to expect out of other people or myself. Things I think will be hard are not and things I think will be easy are not. Perhaps, I need to stop expecting anything and just let what will happen, happen.
Friday, December 23, 2011
we are blessed.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. This year will be a different kind of Christmas for us. S will be missing. He will be with us, as he always is, but he will be missing. Tomorrow, I plan on baking all day with the kids and Christmas Day, I will watch them open presents and then we will go to church. I want to spend the days just the 4 of us. I want to have fun and I think that is best done with just us. We will celebrate Christmas with my family next week when my brother and his fiancee come back into town.
This year will be the first year in my entire life that I haven't seen my family on Christmas. It will also be the first year I have gone to church on Christmas. Really, this year, 2011, was the first year I ever went to church at all. Since S died, I feel closer to God. I know I have a lot of reasons to be very angry at God, and a lot of the time I am, but I also have a lot to be thankful for. I am blessed.
A friend just sent me this poem and it had me bawling. Sobbing really. Ugly cries too. I miss him so much.
A drunk man in an Oldsmobile
They said had run the light
That caused the six-car pileup
On 109 that night.
When broken bodies lay about
'And blood was everywhere,'
'The sirens screamed out eulogies,'
For death was in the air.
'A mother, trapped inside her car,'
Was heard above the noise;
Her plaintive plea near split the air:
'Oh, God, please spare my boys!'
She fought to loose her pinned hands
'She struggled to get free,'
But mangled metal held her fast
In grim captivity.
Her frightened eyes then focused
'On where the back seat once had been,'
But all she saw was broken glass and
Two children's seats crushed in.
Her twins were nowhere to be seen;
'She did not hear them cry, '
'And then she prayed they'd been thrown free, '
'Oh, God, don't let them die! '
Then firemen came and cut her loose, '
'But when they searched the back, '
'They found therein no little boys, '
But the seat belts were intact.
They thought the woman had gone mad
'And was traveling alone, '
'But when they turned to question her, '
They discovered she was gone.
Policemen saw her running wild
And screaming above the noise
'In beseeching supplication, '
Please help me find my boys!
They're four years old and wear blue shirts;
'Their jeans are blue to match.''
'One cop spoke up, ''They're in my car, '
And they don't have a scratch.
They said their daddy put them there
'And gave them each a cone, '
Then told them both to wait for Mom
To come and take them home.
'I've searched the area high and low, '
But I can't find their dad.
'He must have fled the scene, '
'I guess, and that is very bad.'
'The mother hugged the twins and said, '
'While wiping at a tear, '
'He could not flee the scene, you see, '
'For he's been dead a year.'
'The cop just looked confused and asked, '
'Now, how can that be true? '
'The boys said, ''Mommy, Daddy came
'And left a kiss for you.'' '
He told us not to worry
'And that you would be all right, '
And then he put us in this car with
'The pretty, flashing light. '
'We wanted him to stay with us, '
'Because we miss him so, '
'But Mommy, he just hugged us tight '
And said he had to go.
He said someday we'd understand
'And told us not to fuss, '
'And he said to tell you, Mommy, '
'He's watching over us.'
The mother knew without a doubt
'That what they spoke was true, '
'For she recalled their dad's last words, ' ' I will watch over you.'
The fire men's notes could not explain
'The twisted, mangled car, '
And how the three of them escaped
Without a single scar.
'But on the cop's report was scribed, '
'In print so very fine, '
An angel walked the beat tonight on Highway 109.
'The 7 Second Prayer, Just repeat this phrase and see how God moves.
'Lord, I love you and I need you, come into my heart, and bless my
Family, my home, my friends, and me. Amen. '
I've read that before, but not since he died. Not since I could imagine being in that mother's shoes. It's different now. But it makes me feel blessed too, because I know he will protect my kids. I know he will keep us safe. We have out own personal guardian angel who loves us more than anyone.
It amazes me how I see him places. Not him personally, but things that he has done. Signs he has left me. He lets me know that he is around and he is behind me. He tells me it will be okay and he lets me know that he supports me. He is one hell of a man.
Before bed tonight, M went over to her picture of him and she just started talking. "Mama. That me on Daddy lap. I sleepin' on Daddy lap. Those my jammas. That Daddy shirt. I sleep on Daddy lap. My Daddy died." She says it all so mater-of-factly. The same emotion is in each sentence. It's amazing.
And sad. It makes me sad that she has to talk about her Daddy in past tense. I don't think she remembers him.
I think V is forgetting him too. And G has long forgotten. He never really got to know her when he was alive. And he would love her. He did love her, but I think she and he would have had a really special bond. She would have been a Daddy's girl I think.
Still, I am glad my kids had such a great dad. I am glad that V and M got to know him and he them. I am glad he got to meet G and bond with her the way he did. I am so blessed to have had him in my life. And I know I will have more blessings coming my way. I think he will make sure of it.
A friend told me the other day that God must need him to work on a big project with Him. That was the kind of guy he was. Now he can watch over us and keep us safe.
So, this holiday, I am blessed. I have three healthy (sleeping) children. I have food in my belly. I have a roof over my head. I have friends who love me. And I have S. I am blessed.
This year will be the first year in my entire life that I haven't seen my family on Christmas. It will also be the first year I have gone to church on Christmas. Really, this year, 2011, was the first year I ever went to church at all. Since S died, I feel closer to God. I know I have a lot of reasons to be very angry at God, and a lot of the time I am, but I also have a lot to be thankful for. I am blessed.
A friend just sent me this poem and it had me bawling. Sobbing really. Ugly cries too. I miss him so much.
A drunk man in an Oldsmobile
They said had run the light
That caused the six-car pileup
On 109 that night.
When broken bodies lay about
'And blood was everywhere,'
'The sirens screamed out eulogies,'
For death was in the air.
'A mother, trapped inside her car,'
Was heard above the noise;
Her plaintive plea near split the air:
'Oh, God, please spare my boys!'
She fought to loose her pinned hands
'She struggled to get free,'
But mangled metal held her fast
In grim captivity.
Her frightened eyes then focused
'On where the back seat once had been,'
But all she saw was broken glass and
Two children's seats crushed in.
Her twins were nowhere to be seen;
'She did not hear them cry, '
'And then she prayed they'd been thrown free, '
'Oh, God, don't let them die! '
Then firemen came and cut her loose, '
'But when they searched the back, '
'They found therein no little boys, '
But the seat belts were intact.
They thought the woman had gone mad
'And was traveling alone, '
'But when they turned to question her, '
They discovered she was gone.
Policemen saw her running wild
And screaming above the noise
'In beseeching supplication, '
Please help me find my boys!
They're four years old and wear blue shirts;
'Their jeans are blue to match.''
'One cop spoke up, ''They're in my car, '
And they don't have a scratch.
They said their daddy put them there
'And gave them each a cone, '
Then told them both to wait for Mom
To come and take them home.
'I've searched the area high and low, '
But I can't find their dad.
'He must have fled the scene, '
'I guess, and that is very bad.'
'The mother hugged the twins and said, '
'While wiping at a tear, '
'He could not flee the scene, you see, '
'For he's been dead a year.'
'The cop just looked confused and asked, '
'Now, how can that be true? '
'The boys said, ''Mommy, Daddy came
'And left a kiss for you.'' '
He told us not to worry
'And that you would be all right, '
And then he put us in this car with
'The pretty, flashing light. '
'We wanted him to stay with us, '
'Because we miss him so, '
'But Mommy, he just hugged us tight '
And said he had to go.
He said someday we'd understand
'And told us not to fuss, '
'And he said to tell you, Mommy, '
'He's watching over us.'
The mother knew without a doubt
'That what they spoke was true, '
'For she recalled their dad's last words, ' ' I will watch over you.'
The fire men's notes could not explain
'The twisted, mangled car, '
And how the three of them escaped
Without a single scar.
'But on the cop's report was scribed, '
'In print so very fine, '
An angel walked the beat tonight on Highway 109.
'The 7 Second Prayer, Just repeat this phrase and see how God moves.
'Lord, I love you and I need you, come into my heart, and bless my
Family, my home, my friends, and me. Amen. '
I've read that before, but not since he died. Not since I could imagine being in that mother's shoes. It's different now. But it makes me feel blessed too, because I know he will protect my kids. I know he will keep us safe. We have out own personal guardian angel who loves us more than anyone.
It amazes me how I see him places. Not him personally, but things that he has done. Signs he has left me. He lets me know that he is around and he is behind me. He tells me it will be okay and he lets me know that he supports me. He is one hell of a man.
Before bed tonight, M went over to her picture of him and she just started talking. "Mama. That me on Daddy lap. I sleepin' on Daddy lap. Those my jammas. That Daddy shirt. I sleep on Daddy lap. My Daddy died." She says it all so mater-of-factly. The same emotion is in each sentence. It's amazing.
And sad. It makes me sad that she has to talk about her Daddy in past tense. I don't think she remembers him.
I think V is forgetting him too. And G has long forgotten. He never really got to know her when he was alive. And he would love her. He did love her, but I think she and he would have had a really special bond. She would have been a Daddy's girl I think.
Still, I am glad my kids had such a great dad. I am glad that V and M got to know him and he them. I am glad he got to meet G and bond with her the way he did. I am so blessed to have had him in my life. And I know I will have more blessings coming my way. I think he will make sure of it.
A friend told me the other day that God must need him to work on a big project with Him. That was the kind of guy he was. Now he can watch over us and keep us safe.
So, this holiday, I am blessed. I have three healthy (sleeping) children. I have food in my belly. I have a roof over my head. I have friends who love me. And I have S. I am blessed.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
the holidays don't make it harder
Lately, a lot of my friends and family have been telling me how they know this time of year is harder for me because S is not here. While I appreciate the extra thoughts and prayers (or any at all really), it is not any harder for me. He is not more dead because it is Thanksgiving or Christmas or whatever. He is just as dead today as he will be on December 25th.
I wonder if it is because it is more obvious to other people that he is not here. I mean, at the holiday things, to everyone else, there is obviously someone missing. Perhaps, but his absence is obvious to me in everything so I don't notice it more because it is a holiday. I thought it would be harder too, but it is not.
I miss him all the time and I really don't miss him any more because it is a holiday season. I realize he is gone when I am getting the kids dressed and I think about how he loved them in these outfits, or he never got to see them in those. I miss him when I make coffee and I remember how he drank coffee in the winter. I think of him when I do laundry and his clothes are missing. When I am washing dishes after dinner and the kids are screaming, I know he is not here playing with them. When the bigs are racing and they crash and I have to sort of halfway console each of them with one in each arm, I understand that he would be hugging one kid and me the other if he were here. His absence is just so outstanding in my everyday life.
He is always on my mind. It is really not any worse now than it was a few months ago. He is still gone.
I was thinking back today and I realized I have come pretty far in nearly 6 months. I don't think he is coming home anymore. I don't get angry that he is gone. I fully realize that this is my life. This is my new normal. And I have to be okay with that. I am okay with that. I want to honor him and cherish his memory and let him live on in me and our babies.
I wonder if it is because it is more obvious to other people that he is not here. I mean, at the holiday things, to everyone else, there is obviously someone missing. Perhaps, but his absence is obvious to me in everything so I don't notice it more because it is a holiday. I thought it would be harder too, but it is not.
I miss him all the time and I really don't miss him any more because it is a holiday season. I realize he is gone when I am getting the kids dressed and I think about how he loved them in these outfits, or he never got to see them in those. I miss him when I make coffee and I remember how he drank coffee in the winter. I think of him when I do laundry and his clothes are missing. When I am washing dishes after dinner and the kids are screaming, I know he is not here playing with them. When the bigs are racing and they crash and I have to sort of halfway console each of them with one in each arm, I understand that he would be hugging one kid and me the other if he were here. His absence is just so outstanding in my everyday life.
He is always on my mind. It is really not any worse now than it was a few months ago. He is still gone.
I was thinking back today and I realized I have come pretty far in nearly 6 months. I don't think he is coming home anymore. I don't get angry that he is gone. I fully realize that this is my life. This is my new normal. And I have to be okay with that. I am okay with that. I want to honor him and cherish his memory and let him live on in me and our babies.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Trucking Along
Sometimes I feel like life is happening without me. Like this person I am now is not who I am. I don't know where I went. I think the old me died when S did 24 weeks ago and I don't know that I like who was left behind.
I am so short with the kids and I have no patience. I feel like I have forgotten how to parent. They are growing and changing and so often, I just want to be left alone and not have to entertain them. How horrible is that? I do what I need to do because I know I need to do it, but gosh, I just don't want to.
Not that I would do it, but I can see how mothers just go. Sometimes I want to just be left alone. I want to drop the kids off at my parents house for 2 weeks and just go.
Doing it all alone is hard. There is never a break. I cook dinner with 3 kids under my feet (or in my arms, hanging on my legs, etc). I don't sleep without them on top of me. I don't shower alone. Heck, I don't even get to pee alone. They are always there and always needing something. And it gets really frustrating when 2 or all 3 of them need something at the same time because I can't do it all at once. Someone has to wait. It is not fair to them and it is not fair to me.
But that is life. Life isn't fair. It just is. And so we keep on trucking. The 4 of us together. We keep going because that is really the only choice we have.
But this is a hard time of year. All my friends are doing holiday things with their husbands and kids and I feel left behind. I see them doing things that S and I would have done together and my kids are missing out because, honestly, I just don't want to do it without him. He is so obviously not here.
When I pulled out the stockings, I remembered that I bought 5 after Christmas last year. I never found stocking holders I loved though. I really had to think about whether I was putting up 4 or 5 stockings. I decided on all 5 and I made stocking holders last night.
The crazy part though, is that even though they are all the same and I made them all the same way, one won't stay together. They spell out "peace" and S would have been the "p". That is the one that won't stay. I feel like it is symbolic of how broken he is. Or it is him trying to tell me something. I don't know what.
I found myself thinking about him as I was cleaning the kitchen tonight. An invitation to a flooring show came in the mail today. He wanted to go last year, but I said no because it was just a few weeks after G was due and I didn't wan to have all 3 kids alone. He would have had so much fun though. He loved going. On one hand, I wish I had let him go. We agreed he could go this year, but now he can't. On the other hand, I'm glad he didn't go because that was 5 days we had together that we wouldn't have.
There are just so many things I regret. I wish I hadn't urged him to stop drinking soda. I wish I hadn't complained about him eating crap food he loved so much. I wish I didn't push him away when he tried to hug me when we were fighting. I wish I told him I loved him more often. I wish I payed more attention when he tried to explain things to me. I just wish I was a better wife. I don't think I was a bad wife, but I just wish I had realized then how silly the things I got mad about really were. I wish I realized how short our time together was going to be.
But maybe I don't regret any of that. Maybe those are the things that made me me and those things are part of the reason he loved me and part of the reason he chose me to be his wife. I know he knew I loved him and I knew he loved me. If either of us had done things differently it might have changed everything.
I just hope he knows how much I miss him. I want him to know how much I love him. I think I'm just missing him extra tonight.
I am so short with the kids and I have no patience. I feel like I have forgotten how to parent. They are growing and changing and so often, I just want to be left alone and not have to entertain them. How horrible is that? I do what I need to do because I know I need to do it, but gosh, I just don't want to.
Not that I would do it, but I can see how mothers just go. Sometimes I want to just be left alone. I want to drop the kids off at my parents house for 2 weeks and just go.
Doing it all alone is hard. There is never a break. I cook dinner with 3 kids under my feet (or in my arms, hanging on my legs, etc). I don't sleep without them on top of me. I don't shower alone. Heck, I don't even get to pee alone. They are always there and always needing something. And it gets really frustrating when 2 or all 3 of them need something at the same time because I can't do it all at once. Someone has to wait. It is not fair to them and it is not fair to me.
But that is life. Life isn't fair. It just is. And so we keep on trucking. The 4 of us together. We keep going because that is really the only choice we have.
But this is a hard time of year. All my friends are doing holiday things with their husbands and kids and I feel left behind. I see them doing things that S and I would have done together and my kids are missing out because, honestly, I just don't want to do it without him. He is so obviously not here.
When I pulled out the stockings, I remembered that I bought 5 after Christmas last year. I never found stocking holders I loved though. I really had to think about whether I was putting up 4 or 5 stockings. I decided on all 5 and I made stocking holders last night.
The crazy part though, is that even though they are all the same and I made them all the same way, one won't stay together. They spell out "peace" and S would have been the "p". That is the one that won't stay. I feel like it is symbolic of how broken he is. Or it is him trying to tell me something. I don't know what.
I found myself thinking about him as I was cleaning the kitchen tonight. An invitation to a flooring show came in the mail today. He wanted to go last year, but I said no because it was just a few weeks after G was due and I didn't wan to have all 3 kids alone. He would have had so much fun though. He loved going. On one hand, I wish I had let him go. We agreed he could go this year, but now he can't. On the other hand, I'm glad he didn't go because that was 5 days we had together that we wouldn't have.
There are just so many things I regret. I wish I hadn't urged him to stop drinking soda. I wish I hadn't complained about him eating crap food he loved so much. I wish I didn't push him away when he tried to hug me when we were fighting. I wish I told him I loved him more often. I wish I payed more attention when he tried to explain things to me. I just wish I was a better wife. I don't think I was a bad wife, but I just wish I had realized then how silly the things I got mad about really were. I wish I realized how short our time together was going to be.
But maybe I don't regret any of that. Maybe those are the things that made me me and those things are part of the reason he loved me and part of the reason he chose me to be his wife. I know he knew I loved him and I knew he loved me. If either of us had done things differently it might have changed everything.
I just hope he knows how much I miss him. I want him to know how much I love him. I think I'm just missing him extra tonight.
Friday, December 2, 2011
a string of random thoughts
Wow, it's December. Almost the end of 2011. What a year it has been. It is still crazy to me to think about how much my life has changed in the last 12 months.
2011 started off as one of the best years of my life. We were getting ready to welcome our new baby into our family and I can remember S having so much fun making pizza with V during the late winter snow storms. It was fun.
Halfway though the year, I had the worst experience in my life. It trumped all of the things I thought were horrible before that moment. 22 weeks ago I could not imagine my life without S. I really didn't think I would be able to breathe without him. I didn't know how I would be able to function.
And here we are at the end of the year, and all things considered, I think we are doing pretty good.
I am learning that I am capable. I can do things I used to think I couldn't do. Simple things like taking out the trash and harder things like moving furniture alone.
Alone. I am getting used to the alone. I am getting used to the quiet. I am getting used to doing everything with the kids on my own. I have raised three kids for 5 months by myself. I have kept a G alive and thriving for 17 months on nothing but me (9 months in and 8 months out so far). I have helped M learn to use the potty and sleep in a big girl bed. I have helped V learn math and letters. I have been doing things mostly on my own for 5 months and for that I am pretty proud.
Yesterday I got asked if I am a single mom. I told him I am, but I felt weird saying that. I mean, technically I am a single mom, but I feel like my situation is different from most single mom situations. Most kids have a dad who could call them or take them to the park or kiss a boo boo. My kids don't. So not only am I a single parent, but I am an only parent. But then again, in a sense I am not. My kids have two parents. They have a mom and a dad who love them very much.
I asked M tonight if she remembers Daddy. She said yes and then I asked her what she remembers about him. She said "nothing." It breaks my heart. I feel like I need to seek out ways to keep him alive for them. I want the kids to know how much he loved them. I want them to know that he was an involved dad. I want them to remember him playing with them and cooking with them and loving them.
And I want to remember that too. I want to remember him with them. I want to remember his love. I want the kids to miss him. I want them to remember him enough that they can miss him.
Someone today was telling me how cute G was and whatnot and then she said "Your Daddy is going to have to get a big stick when your a teenager!" I wanted to tell her that he couldn't. I wanted to tell her that he's dead. I wanted her to know that it isn't fair to assume that my daughter's Daddy can watch out for her. But I didn't. Really, what good would it have done? It would have just made her feel bad and then I would have gotten the look of pity I get from people when they find out that S died.
It is this horrible look of sadness, pity, and embarrassment. It makes me feel bad and it makes the other person feel worse I am sure.
For a minute it might make them appreciate what they have, but that is it.
That is really strange to me too. When I used to hear about something bad happening I always felt really bad and held my kids closer or treated S a little better for a bit, but then we got back into the swing of life and back into old habits. Now that I am on the other side of this, it seems strange that I ever went back to normal because the other family did not. They never will. Their normal is forever altered.
It's weird that other people changed their lives momentarily after S died, but mine will never be the same.
That is not to say my life won't be good again. It will. I know it will because that is what he would have wanted. I know he would want me to find happiness again. For me and for our kids. They will follow my lead, and I want them to be happy and I know he would too.
We will always remember him. We will always love him. He will always be with us. That is our new normal.
2011 started off as one of the best years of my life. We were getting ready to welcome our new baby into our family and I can remember S having so much fun making pizza with V during the late winter snow storms. It was fun.
Halfway though the year, I had the worst experience in my life. It trumped all of the things I thought were horrible before that moment. 22 weeks ago I could not imagine my life without S. I really didn't think I would be able to breathe without him. I didn't know how I would be able to function.
And here we are at the end of the year, and all things considered, I think we are doing pretty good.
I am learning that I am capable. I can do things I used to think I couldn't do. Simple things like taking out the trash and harder things like moving furniture alone.
Alone. I am getting used to the alone. I am getting used to the quiet. I am getting used to doing everything with the kids on my own. I have raised three kids for 5 months by myself. I have kept a G alive and thriving for 17 months on nothing but me (9 months in and 8 months out so far). I have helped M learn to use the potty and sleep in a big girl bed. I have helped V learn math and letters. I have been doing things mostly on my own for 5 months and for that I am pretty proud.
Yesterday I got asked if I am a single mom. I told him I am, but I felt weird saying that. I mean, technically I am a single mom, but I feel like my situation is different from most single mom situations. Most kids have a dad who could call them or take them to the park or kiss a boo boo. My kids don't. So not only am I a single parent, but I am an only parent. But then again, in a sense I am not. My kids have two parents. They have a mom and a dad who love them very much.
I asked M tonight if she remembers Daddy. She said yes and then I asked her what she remembers about him. She said "nothing." It breaks my heart. I feel like I need to seek out ways to keep him alive for them. I want the kids to know how much he loved them. I want them to know that he was an involved dad. I want them to remember him playing with them and cooking with them and loving them.
And I want to remember that too. I want to remember him with them. I want to remember his love. I want the kids to miss him. I want them to remember him enough that they can miss him.
Someone today was telling me how cute G was and whatnot and then she said "Your Daddy is going to have to get a big stick when your a teenager!" I wanted to tell her that he couldn't. I wanted to tell her that he's dead. I wanted her to know that it isn't fair to assume that my daughter's Daddy can watch out for her. But I didn't. Really, what good would it have done? It would have just made her feel bad and then I would have gotten the look of pity I get from people when they find out that S died.
It is this horrible look of sadness, pity, and embarrassment. It makes me feel bad and it makes the other person feel worse I am sure.
For a minute it might make them appreciate what they have, but that is it.
That is really strange to me too. When I used to hear about something bad happening I always felt really bad and held my kids closer or treated S a little better for a bit, but then we got back into the swing of life and back into old habits. Now that I am on the other side of this, it seems strange that I ever went back to normal because the other family did not. They never will. Their normal is forever altered.
It's weird that other people changed their lives momentarily after S died, but mine will never be the same.
That is not to say my life won't be good again. It will. I know it will because that is what he would have wanted. I know he would want me to find happiness again. For me and for our kids. They will follow my lead, and I want them to be happy and I know he would too.
We will always remember him. We will always love him. He will always be with us. That is our new normal.
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