I totally don't feel like I am 27 years old. I don't feel old enough to have been out of high school for 10 years! I frequently think about how young I feel. I mean I don't feel old enough to be married and have 2 kids with one on the way. Sometimes I want to go do something I feel the urge to call my mom to make sure it is okay. I think can I really own a home and live with a boy???
Maybe it is because I got married young. Maybe it is because I didn't really have the "college experience". Maybe it is because I am just young at heart (ha!). It is just weird to think about how much older I am than I feel.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
success
the other night H and I went to the Carrie Underwood concert and realized that she and I are about the same age. So on the way home, we were talking about it and H asked me jokingly why I wasn't successful like that with a record deal making hundreds of thousands a year. I told him probably because I can't sing :)
Seriously, though, it got me thinking about what success is. I mean I have friends from high school that we sort of consider successful because they are living and working in NYC or LA or somewhere other than here, but really are they any more successful than me? Does it matter if they are working at a law firm or waiting tables? Does it matter if they are miserable or happy? Does it matter if they went to college or not? What really makes us successful?
My 10 year high school reunion is next year and if I were to go, I wonder if I would be considered a success. I mean I went to college and I graduated, so I feel like I would get a point for that, but I don't work so do I lose a point? Or if you consider the little work I do, I work for my dad so even if I worked for him full time do I lose two? What about being happy with my choices. I love being a mom. I love being a SAHM. I love taking care of my kids, my husband and my home. It makes me happy and I hope it makes my family happy too. But I sort of feel like I lose a few points for that because I don't have some bigtime job and I don't make the big bucks.
At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter what other people think. I feel like a success. When I peek in on my sleeping babies and they are resting with smiles on their faces I know I am doing something right. When I lay down in bed next to my husband and put my hand on his back, I feel at peace. In that moment, all is right in the world and I am successful.
Seriously, though, it got me thinking about what success is. I mean I have friends from high school that we sort of consider successful because they are living and working in NYC or LA or somewhere other than here, but really are they any more successful than me? Does it matter if they are working at a law firm or waiting tables? Does it matter if they are miserable or happy? Does it matter if they went to college or not? What really makes us successful?
My 10 year high school reunion is next year and if I were to go, I wonder if I would be considered a success. I mean I went to college and I graduated, so I feel like I would get a point for that, but I don't work so do I lose a point? Or if you consider the little work I do, I work for my dad so even if I worked for him full time do I lose two? What about being happy with my choices. I love being a mom. I love being a SAHM. I love taking care of my kids, my husband and my home. It makes me happy and I hope it makes my family happy too. But I sort of feel like I lose a few points for that because I don't have some bigtime job and I don't make the big bucks.
At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter what other people think. I feel like a success. When I peek in on my sleeping babies and they are resting with smiles on their faces I know I am doing something right. When I lay down in bed next to my husband and put my hand on his back, I feel at peace. In that moment, all is right in the world and I am successful.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Homebirth
I have been hearing a lot lately about how we are taking some huge risk by having our baby at home and it is really starting to wear on me. First, I just don't have the energy to put up a fight anymore. With 2 kids to care for and and one to grow inside, I am a tired lady! Second, it really hurts that my friends and family would think that we care so little about our family that we would put them in harms way. We have done our research about homebirth and we have decided that it is the safest option for us. We don't think we are taking a huge risk, we don't think we are being brave, we think that we are making an educated choice and taking control of how our child will come into this world.
Now, with that said, obviously we don't look down on people who choose hospitals to birth their babies. We don't judge them and tell them they are taking a huge risk by going to the hospital. We made that choice with 2 of our kids, and while I know that many hospital births are wonderful and empowering, that is not what we got from the hospital.
I don't think that women who choose an OB for care during pregnancy are being irresponsible or are crazy even though I didn't chose the OB route for our second two pregnancies. I just feel that, for me, the OB did more to harm then to help and she was really pretty unnecessary (had I not had a C/S that is).
And I don't understand why these people thing I am being so irresponsible by choosing a midwife and a homebirth. We are educated in birth and we trust in my body's ability to birth babies. We trust birth.
We do understand that there are risks associated with homebirth, but there are risks associated with hospital birth too. Just like when we chose VBAC over ERCS, we are choosing the set of risks we are most comfortable with. For our family, the risks that make more sense are those of a homebirth.
Now, with that said, obviously we don't look down on people who choose hospitals to birth their babies. We don't judge them and tell them they are taking a huge risk by going to the hospital. We made that choice with 2 of our kids, and while I know that many hospital births are wonderful and empowering, that is not what we got from the hospital.
I don't think that women who choose an OB for care during pregnancy are being irresponsible or are crazy even though I didn't chose the OB route for our second two pregnancies. I just feel that, for me, the OB did more to harm then to help and she was really pretty unnecessary (had I not had a C/S that is).
And I don't understand why these people thing I am being so irresponsible by choosing a midwife and a homebirth. We are educated in birth and we trust in my body's ability to birth babies. We trust birth.
We do understand that there are risks associated with homebirth, but there are risks associated with hospital birth too. Just like when we chose VBAC over ERCS, we are choosing the set of risks we are most comfortable with. For our family, the risks that make more sense are those of a homebirth.
Monday, October 4, 2010
good mom/bad wife bad mom/good wife
I frequently feel torn between being a "good mom" and a "good wife." I feel like since I stay at home, I should keep the house clean, the laundry done, and a hot dinner on the table at 5pm, but when I do those things, I feel like it is at the sacrifice of my kids.
Today, I woke up at 6 am, made H lunch, and started to clean and organize the house. I payed bills and got the kitchen picked up before the kids even woke up and since V wasn't feeling great he camped on the couch this morning while M was napping and I went to work. I got stuff in our bedroom put away (we had just stored everything in there once we got carpet and got our living room put back together), I got the office organized, I put the photos from the last 3 years in a photo album (and I need to get another album because there are photos left and nowhere for them to go), I mopped the kitchen, and I folded some laundry. Once M woke up, I fed the kids lunch and put them down for afternoon naps. V said he wasn't tired (he was) so I told him he could lay on my bed and watch me fold laundry. Well, either Mama was right or really boring because he fell right asleep. Once I got the laundry all put away, I started on dinner. I made 2 lasagnas (I love to eat lasagna, but hate to make it because it is so time consuming to I froze one).
Our house is clean, the laundry is all done, and dinner was on the table when H got home from work, but I feel like I neglected the kids all day. I mean they were fed and changed, but emotionally, I feel like I let them down.
It is a daily struggle for me. I feel like if the house is a mess, I was a good mom, but if it is clean I wasn't. Sometimes I can get them involved in cleaning and picking up and make it a learning experience, but usually they get bored with me and go play together somewhere else.
Tomorrow we are going out so I know it will be more fun for them, and I know in the long run, their lives won't be forever altered because I spent one day cleaning the house, but I can't help but think that when they are 30, I would so much rather them remember having fun playing with Mama is a so-so clean house, than remember playing alone while Mama mopped the floors.
Today, I woke up at 6 am, made H lunch, and started to clean and organize the house. I payed bills and got the kitchen picked up before the kids even woke up and since V wasn't feeling great he camped on the couch this morning while M was napping and I went to work. I got stuff in our bedroom put away (we had just stored everything in there once we got carpet and got our living room put back together), I got the office organized, I put the photos from the last 3 years in a photo album (and I need to get another album because there are photos left and nowhere for them to go), I mopped the kitchen, and I folded some laundry. Once M woke up, I fed the kids lunch and put them down for afternoon naps. V said he wasn't tired (he was) so I told him he could lay on my bed and watch me fold laundry. Well, either Mama was right or really boring because he fell right asleep. Once I got the laundry all put away, I started on dinner. I made 2 lasagnas (I love to eat lasagna, but hate to make it because it is so time consuming to I froze one).
Our house is clean, the laundry is all done, and dinner was on the table when H got home from work, but I feel like I neglected the kids all day. I mean they were fed and changed, but emotionally, I feel like I let them down.
It is a daily struggle for me. I feel like if the house is a mess, I was a good mom, but if it is clean I wasn't. Sometimes I can get them involved in cleaning and picking up and make it a learning experience, but usually they get bored with me and go play together somewhere else.
Tomorrow we are going out so I know it will be more fun for them, and I know in the long run, their lives won't be forever altered because I spent one day cleaning the house, but I can't help but think that when they are 30, I would so much rather them remember having fun playing with Mama is a so-so clean house, than remember playing alone while Mama mopped the floors.
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