I couldn't sleep the other night (big surprise!) so I looking at random things on the Internet. I came across this article and her story really struck a chord with me. I found so many similarities in her story and mine. When the doctors told me that even if S survived, he wouldn't be the same I told them over and over that I didn't care. I would take him any way I could have him. I just wanted him. Now, obviously, our stories ended differently, but in a way her husband died too. He wasn't the same man. He wasn't the man she married anymore. She still loved him, but he was different. I still love S. I will always love S. Nothing that happens after his death will change that. Nothing.
I know people judge her for her decision to marry Allan. 7 months ago I would have judged her for her decision to get married. But now I understand. I am sure it was not a choice she came to lightly.
I also know that people judge me for my choice to move and because I fell in love again. I also feel like it needs to be said (again) that I wasn't looking for love. I wasn't looking for a relationship. I wasn't looking for a man. I wasn't looking for anything, but sometimes the powers that be have plans that we don't understand.
After S died, I was at the funeral home picking out his urn. His friend was with me and asked if two people could fit in the urn I liked. The funeral man said no. Then, he looked at me, and said "but you're young. Don't write off anything. You never know what will happen." I looked back at him and I said "I will NEVER love like this again. I will NEVER get married again. NEVER."
And I meant it. I couldn't imagine loving another man. I couldn't fathom ever feeling that way again.
A few weeks after S died, I called M to tell him. A bit after we got off the phone, he sent me a text message. It said something like "I'll always take care of you" or something like that. My girlfriends and I spent time the next morning trying to figure out what that meant. Did he mean that in a friendly way or was it more than that. I told them that if he meant that in any way other than just friendly it was not okay in my book. I was not interested in anything more than a platonic relationship with him.
But things changed. My feelings changed. My thoughts changed. It got different and at some point I realized that my feelings for him were not platonic anymore
I know this all happened very fast, but I have known M for 14+ years. I fell in love with him 14 years ago and I think that is why this happened so fast. Some of the feelings were already there. Now, that does not mean that there was anything going on between us when S was alive, because there wasn't (and apparently that needs to be said too. I was NOT having any sort of anything with M while S was alive. Nothing. And those who think otherwise clearly really don't know me at all). It simply means that when you truly love someone you never stop.
This move is scary. Picking up my life and moving it half-way across the country makes me totally nervous, but when I think about it, it is the moving part that is scary to me. I'm not worried about anything once I'm there. I am excited to be there. I am looking forward to having a life there. All of that is comfortable. It's just the physical moving all of the stuff in my house and my three kids so far that is scary. But, that is a short moment in time. 4 months from now, we will be living in a new place and I don't think I will feel scared anymore.
I am such an indecisive person. I can't even decide what shoes to wear most mornings without trying three pairs on. When I go out to eat, I always second guess what I ordered. I can't make a decision for anything. Except when I decided to move. I haven't questioned that choice for a second. It feels right in my heart and in my head.
Just like Page brought Robert with her when she moved, we are bringing S with us. He will always we a part of my family. My kids will always know about him and that he was their daddy and how much he loved them. I remind them now, and will continue to do so, of how they are like him.
V is so stubborn and he loves to put things together, just like S. M is a crankpot in the morning and she has the funniest little sense of humor that I know she inherited from S. G doesn't give big belly laughs often, but when she does, they fill the whole room, just like her daddy's.
S will always have a place in my family. And I am thankful that M is not only understanding of that, but encouraging about it. He wants my kids to know all about S and to see pictures of him and to heart stories about him.
After S died, I couldn't see myself ever being truly happy again. I didn't believe happiness would happen for me again, but I find myself happy now. I look forward to my evening talks with M and I am so looking forward to this move. I know it is the right thing for us.
