ready or not!

I have been having some real issues with labor, birth, actually having a newborn to care for, lately. Like being scared. Really really scared that things won't be okay. That I won't have a healthy baby or I won't push my baby out or something terrible will happen and it will be all my fault.

Also, about not being able to be a good mom to 3 kids. I feel like I was a really good mom when I just had V. We played together all the time and I took him places and it was fun. When M came along, I couldn't be the same mom to him or to her. When we played, one of them either had to be bored or way over stimulated. We didn't go out as much because it is much harder to watch 2 kids than one. Now, don't get me wrong, we still have fun and we still play, but it is different with 2.

Now, add a third to that mix and I am terrified that I won't be able to do it. What if we never leave out house again! What if I lose one at the park! All of these what ifs get to me. That is the part that really scares me.

But the birth scares me too. I am scared because we don't have a doula. I am scared that labor will be really long (or really short) and I won't be able to handle it. I am scared that I was just lucky with M. I am scared of ending up on an operating table again. I am just scared.

The other night though, I had a dream that brought me a lot of peace. I dreamt that I woke up and felt this urge to push. So I did and out came a baby girl. Then I felt the urge to push again and I did and out came a baby boy. I laid the babies next to me in bed and pushed out my placenta and then walked to the kitchen and put it in a bowl in the fridge. I went back to the bedroom and was nursing one of the babies when H walked in and I told him I had the babies. He asked was it a boy or a girl and I told him one of each. He seemed okay with that and I asked him if we should call the midwives. He said sure, so we did. They didn't answer so we just went on like everything was fine and normal. I also told him it was a good thing we took the maternity pictures the day before and it was sad that we didn't even open the birth kit that came the day before. He asked if we could return it :)

When I actually woke up I was sort of disappointed that I hadn't given birth like that. I was disappointed that I didn't know how it would all turn out. But it also gave me some peace. Like my subconscious or something was telling me not to worry and not to put my energy into the worry. That everything will be okay. And I'm good with that.

So last night, I went though the birth kit to make sure everything is there and I got the rest of the things we need for the birth together in basket. I still have to get 2 more things when we go to the store this week, but other than that, the birth basket is ready. I am nearly 36 weeks pregnant and V was born at 38 and M at 39 so we shall see when this little ones decides to make his/her arrival. I feel ready though. I feel prepared. I feel like I can do it. Scratch that. I know I can and will do it!