As the fog lifts

Now that I am off drugs, I feel like I have my brain back.  We met with the OB yesterday and I was armed with questions.  A girlfriend watched the kids for us and as I was leaving her house, she said "I didn't think you would just lie down and take a c-section."  Ahh, she knows me so well.

First, I would have a c-section of M and I, along with the care provider we choose, decide that the lesser risk if/when I get pregnant again is a RCS.  But, that it is major surgery.  It is painful.  It is dangerous, especially if we want to have more than one more child. 

But it makes me sad that I might miss out the amazing parts of birth that come only from labor and pushing a baby out.  I want the bonding experience of labor for our marriage.  I want to be fully aware and awake when I meet my baby for the first time on the outside.  And I want that for my baby too.  I want to be able to walk and move and care for my baby easily.  My baby deserves a mom who can do those things.

So, I have begun my research.  Just like when I wanted to VBAC, I research every night.  This time it is harder though.  It is harder because I don't have a baby in my arms while I do my searching.  And it is harder because there just isn't information about scars like mine.  It is so rare that there just aren't facts.  There aren't statistics. There isn't anything.

So, that leads us to have to do the same things the doctors do.  Find situations similar and infer from that.  I have found a couple of doctors who are known for attending vaginal births with women who have a "special scar."  M and I plan on talking with at least one of these doctors to get an idea of the risks involved.  I feel like we will get a more real idea of what we are looking at from a doctor who supports VBAC after C-sections that weren't low transverse.

I don't want to get my hopes up that I can push a baby out, but at the same time I am not ready to surrender.