Saturday, March 27, 2010

Selective Memory

We had a VERY busy day today. My mom came over this morning and we took the kids to the big consignment sale. V, of course wanted to touch everything and move everything and pretty much get into all sorts of trouble. M just wanted to be held the whole time so I stuck her in the sling and called it good. When I was about halfway done (I found ONE shirt for V, but more than enough stuff for M to make up for what I didn't spend on V), I saw a friend of mine who sells slings/wraps/etc. She had a mei tai that she let me use while I was walking around because my sling gets uncomfortable after a while. I was in heaven. I was able to shop, nurse, sort, all while M was happy and I had my hands. FABULOUS! I promptly ordered one :)

After the sale, we came home for a quick lunch and then the kids and I were off to a birthday party. At the party, V was of course a handful again and then we came home for dinner. H has been helping a friend remodel his bathroom so I had the kids alone today and for dinner and bed. I got V fed, both kids changed, and got V in bed. M wouldn't sleep and then as soon as I got her down, V was up. It has been a long day.

All that to say though, that selective memory is the reason that in 5, 10, 15, years, I will miss having an infant and a toddler. I won't remember the hectic days or the sleepless nights. Instead, I will remember seeing the joy on V's face as he realized he got himself dress all by himself (he really did too! I was impressed). I will remember how sweet M looked when she looked up at me while she was nursing. I will remember the good parts and forget the bad.

Selective memory also comes into play with birth (come on, you didn't really think I could do a blog without mentioning something birth related, did you?)

Today I saw the videos of my labor for the first time(one of my doulas was at the party and she gave them to me--she had told me that she didn't want to give them to me right away because they are pretty negative. I knew that when we first got to the hospital, it was not a fun time, but this is also where selective memory comes into play). I wish I had video of my labor at home to compare, but all I have is my memory of it.

When I was young, I often heard women say if they remembered how much pregnancy and labor sucked, no one would have more than one child. I feel like pregnancy and labor were amazing though. I often say that I don't so much want another baby right now (M is still little, you know) but I want to be pregnant and give birth again. Now, this I don't think I can blame on selective memory. Even during my pregnancy and labor, I remember saying how much I enjoyed it. To me, pregnancy and labor were a gift that not everyone gets to experience. I felt blessed to be able to do it.

Back to the videos of labor at the hospital though. So much I don't remember. When we first got there, there was a bustle. That I remember, but I don't remember the details. The video does though. I told them I didn't want an IV and the nurse told me to rollover and when I said I can't (I am pretty sure I was in the middle of a contraction), she said "well, we're going to have to. We have to get you ready." Umm, I am pretty sure millions and millions of women gave birth without an IV AND without laying on their backs. Just sayin'.

I asked again if we could just not do all this and they just went on with their jobs like I didn't even exist (except of course to poke and prod). Then my midwife lifts my leg (I was laying on my side on the bed) and starts doing something to me (I don't remember this happening and there is a nurse in the way so I can't see it on the video). I asked what she was doing and she ignored me. I again said (not as nicely) I want to know what you are doing. She again ignored me and told me if I just push my baby out and I'd be done. Then she told me to start pushing. I said that I didn't feel the urge anymore and I wanted to wait until I felt the urge and had a contraction (I think my labor really slowed when I got to the hospital because of all the stress--I think if we had stayed at home I would have had her much much sooner). She told me just to push. I then had a contraction and screamed at her to move her hand TWICE (which leads me to believe she didn't move it the first time). She kept telling me to push and I kept telling her I didn't want to because the urge to push was gone (I do remember saying that I didn't have the urge to push once we got to the hospital even though I did in the whole car ride there).

Once I wanted to push again, I tried pushing on my side, the I got on all fours and I was pushing and chanting that I couldn't do it. Maybe this was transition and not what I had been thinking was transition (at home right before we left). I don't know. It could have just been my fear that I would make it to pushing and then end up sliced open again. Anyway, H told me that I could do it and I was doing it. He was so amazing during my labor, telling me I was doing a good job. I really didn't give him enough credit when I was pregnant.

A funny part (funny now, probably not then) is that while I was pushing I said it hurts (that was also something I remember repeating a lot during labor although I don't remember it hurting. Maybe I just like saying it, or maybe that is selective memory again?) and H said "I'm sure that is normal." Such a man thing to say, but super cute!

After pushing on all fours for a bit I think I said I wanted to squat, or maybe the midwife asked (it is hard to hear on the video), but I moved to the floor to squat. I think the said they couldn't use the paper I had crawled over to get to the floor because it wasn't sterile anymore. I thought that I pretty funny too. At this point I also ripped my shirt off saying I was got so I was totally nude. Very unlike me!

While I was squatting I asked the nurse to get the monitor off my belly because it was very distracting. The midwife also asked me to reach down and feel my baby's head which I totally don't remember happening either.

I also didn't remember how amazing my doulas were. I mean I know I couldn't have done it without them, but I didn't realize all they did for me. They kept cool cloths on my neck, fanned me, held my hands while I was pushing, they were amazing. Honestly, truly, amazing. Every women should have a doula. They truly are worth their weight in gold plus some!

And H. He is my rock. Really, he is. I just wanted him to touch me. He made me feel safe. He told me over and over that I was doing a good job and that I could do it, even though I don't remember him talking at all. To me, the room was silent. I was in my own world in that moment, but I really appreciate the support I received from him. He is my hero.

So, selective memory: I don't remember all of that. Even watching the videos, I don't remember a lot of it happening. It is crazy.

It also makes me wonder if I have made myself only remember the negatives about V's birth. Like, maybe it was so far from what I wanted, what I envisioned, that I don't want to remember the good. I will never know.

It is really pretty interesting to me. I am thankful for selective memory though because I still remember M's birth in a positive light.

And I am glad that in 5 years, I won't remember V waking up 3 times tonight just because he "wants me". Or maybe I will remember that he wanted me, but not the waking up :)

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