my love story

the love story of my life really starts way back in 7th grade.  I started "going out" with a guy who was a jerk.  He was abusive and controlling, and it was really hard to get away from him.  When I did, I felt free and I swore I would never let a boy treat me like that again.  I knew I deserved better.

And then I met M.  I went to a friend's house and she was talking to three boys on AOL (yes, this was way back in the day of AOL instant messenger).  She had met these three boys when she was visiting her dad.  I started talking to them online too and they eventually called us.  I felt an instant connection to M.

A few weeks later, we arranged to meet at the mall.  I remember the first time I saw him.  He was standing in front of a raised garden, wearing big baggy JNCO jeans, a big baggy t-shirt, he had big earrings and long hair.  I thought to my self "I am going to marry him one day."  I was 14 years old and about to start my freshman year of high school.

He and I started "going out" (as much as you can when you live 45 minutes from someone at 14).  We talked on the phone nearly every day and we saw each other on weekends.  He was such a sweet guy.  He would call me and ask me what I did that day (just being friendly) and I would shoot back with "none of  your business."  I was so afraid of being controlled like my ex-boyfriend that I was terrible to him a lot of the time.  He saw something special in my though and stuck by my side.  He soon became my best friend.

Then my family moved to Oklahoma.  He and I were devastated.  Like any 15 year old kids in love, we swore we would stay together.  We wrote weekly letters to each other (I still have his and they melt my heart to this day) and he came to visit me about 3 months after I moved.

Shortly after that we broke up, but stayed friends.  After I graduated from high school, I went to see him for a week over the summer.  When I came back, I started dating S again, and M and I stayed friends.

S and I got married, and M and I just slowly stopped talking.  There was no big anything, it just sort of dissolved.  I never stopped thinking about him though.  I always wondered what he was doing and where he was in life.  I was happily married to S, but I wondered where my friend was.

Then, in June 2009, I searched for him on facebook.  I found him and sent him a message.  I told him I was married with a son and another baby on the way.  He told me he was getting married in the next year and I was really happy for him.  We never messaged each other again and that was the end.

Then, in March 2010, he found me again and sent me a friend request.  I accepted and that was that (he didn't get married).  I would occasionally comment on his posts and he on mine.  Then, in June 2010, he posted something that I posted on and he replied and we had a little conversation going.  He sent me a message and asked me to call him.

S was outside working in the garage.  I went outside and told him that M asked me to call him.  I asked him if I should and he said yes.  That first night we talked until the sun came up.  We mostly just reminisced about high school.

S and I were not in a good place in our marriage at that time.  We were fighting a lot and talking about separating.  We never talked divorce, but we knew that something in our marriage had to change.  He later told me that he realized how happy I was when I talked to M and it made him mad.  He started being nicer to me and me to him and our marriage changed 180 degrees.  The last 12 months of our marriage was by far the best.

M and I talked every couple of weeks after that and it was strictly platonic.  S knew about it and it didn't bother him a bit.  He knew that I was head over heels for him.

A few weeks after S died, I called M to let him know.  After a few weeks, I realized that my feelings for him were changing.  I never stopped loving him (because I beleive that if you truly love someone, you never ever stop loving them), but I thought I might be falling in love with him again.

I wasn't looking for a relationship.  I wasn't looking for love.  I wasn't looking for anything, but it started happening.

Before I went to bed, I would tell S how much I loved him and I started asking him to help me figure out my feelings.  One night I told him that I was having feelings for M and asked him what I should do.  That night I had 2 dreams (I haven't had more than a few dreams since S died).  Those two dreams were basically  S telling me that he had laid all this out for me and I was a fool if I didn't just let it happen.

So, M and I kept talking.  And we talked more and more.  And our feelings got stronger and stronger.

He came to visit me a couple of weeks ago.  At the end of his visit, we knew that one of us was moving. 

After he left, my heart physically hurt that he was gone.  We talked about it at length, and decided that it just makes more sense for me to move to him, so we are moving.

I know this seems totally fast and totally crazy, but I have loved him since I was 14.  Still, my love for him does not change the love I had/have for S.  I sort of describe it like I do my love for my kids.  I loved V when he was born.  And when M was born, I loved her too.  But my love for her didn't change my love for him.  I love them both.  It is sort of the same thing with S and M. 

It just feels right with M.  My heart tells me this is where I should be.  I learned a lot from S's life and his death.  I know now how short life is and I don't want to waste time wishing I was somewhere else with someone when I can be.  I really feel like this is what S would want for me and for the kids.  I know how much he loved us all and I know that he would want us to have happiness.

We are all so excited for this new chapter in our lives!