forgiveness

I have been hearing a lot of people talk about forgiveness lately.  At church, at MOPS, just in general and I feel like I have never really had an easy time with forgiveness.  I tend to hold grudges.  S would always tell me I could remember all the things he ever did wrong.  He's probably right, too.

When I would hear stories on the news or whatever about people forgiving those who wronged them I always wondered how they could do it.  Especially when someone died.  I wondered how you could ever forgive someone for taking the life of someone you love.

And I am yet again eating my words.

I am not mad at the man who killed S.  I was never mad at him.  I can remember sitting in the hospital, waiting to get to see S and being scared and worried and panicked, but not at all mad.  In talking to his mom, she said something about being mad at him for riding the bike, and I told her I wasn't mad, but once I knew he would be okay I probably would be.  I have never been mad at him for riding the motorcycle that day.  I have also never been mad at the man who killed him.  Not even a little bit.  I sort of want to be, but I can't.

I actually feel bad for him.  Really bad for him.  I don't know that his path is even an easier one to walk than mine.  He knows that he killed someone.  He killed a husband, a father, a son, a friend.  He took a life.   He is 74 years old.  He lived his life and he knows that he took one much shorter than his.  I'm thankful I don't have to walk his path.

Now, that is not to say that I would choose my path over his.  Obviously, the thing in this world best for my kids is to have their dad here with them, so I wouldn't take that from them for anything, but this is the hand we were dealt.  The four of us, and now we have to make the best of it.

I also realized, at Target yesterday, that last year, I was pregnant with G and looking for stocking holders for all 5 of us.  I wanted coordinating ones, but none the same.  It was really hard to find 5 that matched and then I saw some at Hobby Lobby.  They spelled "peace" and I wanted to get them, but they were insanely expensive.  When I talked S into it, and went back, they were gone.

So, as I'm walking through Target, I see the employees putting out Christmas things and I realized that we will never get to spend a Christmas as a family of 5.  As I sit here typing this, it just hit me that S won't be here for G's first Christmas.  How much she has changed in the past 4 months and he missed all of it.  He probably wouldn't ever recognize her now.  Wow.

Still though, I'm not mad at the man who killed S.  I just can't be.  What good would it do?  Really, it won't change that man's life.  It would change my life, but I don't think it would be a positive change.  I want to more forward and give my kids a good life. I can't hold anger for nothing.