Selective Memory

We had a VERY busy day today. My mom came over this morning and we took the kids to the big consignment sale. V, of course wanted to touch everything and move everything and pretty much get into all sorts of trouble. M just wanted to be held the whole time so I stuck her in the sling and called it good. When I was about halfway done (I found ONE shirt for V, but more than enough stuff for M to make up for what I didn't spend on V), I saw a friend of mine who sells slings/wraps/etc. She had a mei tai that she let me use while I was walking around because my sling gets uncomfortable after a while. I was in heaven. I was able to shop, nurse, sort, all while M was happy and I had my hands. FABULOUS! I promptly ordered one :)

After the sale, we came home for a quick lunch and then the kids and I were off to a birthday party. At the party, V was of course a handful again and then we came home for dinner. H has been helping a friend remodel his bathroom so I had the kids alone today and for dinner and bed. I got V fed, both kids changed, and got V in bed. M wouldn't sleep and then as soon as I got her down, V was up. It has been a long day.

All that to say though, that selective memory is the reason that in 5, 10, 15, years, I will miss having an infant and a toddler. I won't remember the hectic days or the sleepless nights. Instead, I will remember seeing the joy on V's face as he realized he got himself dress all by himself (he really did too! I was impressed). I will remember how sweet M looked when she looked up at me while she was nursing. I will remember the good parts and forget the bad.

Selective memory also comes into play with birth (come on, you didn't really think I could do a blog without mentioning something birth related, did you?)

Today I saw the videos of my labor for the first time(one of my doulas was at the party and she gave them to me--she had told me that she didn't want to give them to me right away because they are pretty negative. I knew that when we first got to the hospital, it was not a fun time, but this is also where selective memory comes into play). I wish I had video of my labor at home to compare, but all I have is my memory of it.

When I was young, I often heard women say if they remembered how much pregnancy and labor sucked, no one would have more than one child. I feel like pregnancy and labor were amazing though. I often say that I don't so much want another baby right now (M is still little, you know) but I want to be pregnant and give birth again. Now, this I don't think I can blame on selective memory. Even during my pregnancy and labor, I remember saying how much I enjoyed it. To me, pregnancy and labor were a gift that not everyone gets to experience. I felt blessed to be able to do it.

Back to the videos of labor at the hospital though. So much I don't remember. When we first got there, there was a bustle. That I remember, but I don't remember the details. The video does though. I told them I didn't want an IV and the nurse told me to rollover and when I said I can't (I am pretty sure I was in the middle of a contraction), she said "well, we're going to have to. We have to get you ready." Umm, I am pretty sure millions and millions of women gave birth without an IV AND without laying on their backs. Just sayin'.

I asked again if we could just not do all this and they just went on with their jobs like I didn't even exist (except of course to poke and prod). Then my midwife lifts my leg (I was laying on my side on the bed) and starts doing something to me (I don't remember this happening and there is a nurse in the way so I can't see it on the video). I asked what she was doing and she ignored me. I again said (not as nicely) I want to know what you are doing. She again ignored me and told me if I just push my baby out and I'd be done. Then she told me to start pushing. I said that I didn't feel the urge anymore and I wanted to wait until I felt the urge and had a contraction (I think my labor really slowed when I got to the hospital because of all the stress--I think if we had stayed at home I would have had her much much sooner). She told me just to push. I then had a contraction and screamed at her to move her hand TWICE (which leads me to believe she didn't move it the first time). She kept telling me to push and I kept telling her I didn't want to because the urge to push was gone (I do remember saying that I didn't have the urge to push once we got to the hospital even though I did in the whole car ride there).

Once I wanted to push again, I tried pushing on my side, the I got on all fours and I was pushing and chanting that I couldn't do it. Maybe this was transition and not what I had been thinking was transition (at home right before we left). I don't know. It could have just been my fear that I would make it to pushing and then end up sliced open again. Anyway, H told me that I could do it and I was doing it. He was so amazing during my labor, telling me I was doing a good job. I really didn't give him enough credit when I was pregnant.

A funny part (funny now, probably not then) is that while I was pushing I said it hurts (that was also something I remember repeating a lot during labor although I don't remember it hurting. Maybe I just like saying it, or maybe that is selective memory again?) and H said "I'm sure that is normal." Such a man thing to say, but super cute!

After pushing on all fours for a bit I think I said I wanted to squat, or maybe the midwife asked (it is hard to hear on the video), but I moved to the floor to squat. I think the said they couldn't use the paper I had crawled over to get to the floor because it wasn't sterile anymore. I thought that I pretty funny too. At this point I also ripped my shirt off saying I was got so I was totally nude. Very unlike me!

While I was squatting I asked the nurse to get the monitor off my belly because it was very distracting. The midwife also asked me to reach down and feel my baby's head which I totally don't remember happening either.

I also didn't remember how amazing my doulas were. I mean I know I couldn't have done it without them, but I didn't realize all they did for me. They kept cool cloths on my neck, fanned me, held my hands while I was pushing, they were amazing. Honestly, truly, amazing. Every women should have a doula. They truly are worth their weight in gold plus some!

And H. He is my rock. Really, he is. I just wanted him to touch me. He made me feel safe. He told me over and over that I was doing a good job and that I could do it, even though I don't remember him talking at all. To me, the room was silent. I was in my own world in that moment, but I really appreciate the support I received from him. He is my hero.

So, selective memory: I don't remember all of that. Even watching the videos, I don't remember a lot of it happening. It is crazy.

It also makes me wonder if I have made myself only remember the negatives about V's birth. Like, maybe it was so far from what I wanted, what I envisioned, that I don't want to remember the good. I will never know.

It is really pretty interesting to me. I am thankful for selective memory though because I still remember M's birth in a positive light.

And I am glad that in 5 years, I won't remember V waking up 3 times tonight just because he "wants me". Or maybe I will remember that he wanted me, but not the waking up :)

Making Dave Proud

First, I think I mentioned in an earlier post that H and I started Dave Ramsey's plan in July 2006. In December 2008, I wrote the last debt check, bringing our total debt paid off to $70,488.46 (yea, we had a LOT of stupid tax). We fully funded our emergency fund over the next 6 months and I felt like we were finally in a good place financially.

Over the past few months, H has been mentioning getting a new car. He said he is older now and too old to drive the "race car" we bought 5 years ago. I told him we are not buying another car unless we pay cash for it. So save save save we did for a new car.

Now, obviously, we haven't had a car payment in quite a while, but we have never paid cash for a car. Not a real car anyway. We did have a couple of POS cars we paid cash for, but they were 2k or under so I don't really count those.

Tonight, I wrote a check and paid cash for a car. As I was writing out the check I thought about Dave Ramsey. I thought about how hard we worked (each of us worked THREE jobs when I was pregnant with V and after he was born even--I am blessed to have been able to work for my dad and bring my baby to work with me) and how good it felt to know that H wanted something and we saved for it and paid for it. Delayed gratification. What a grown-up thing.

So, H didn't get to drive his new-to-him cherry red Mustang home tonight (I will bring his old car in Saturday and pick-up the 'stang--maybe it will even be nice out and I can ride with the top down!), but I think he is still pretty proud. We went in with a number in mind, ready to walk if they wouldn't meet it (plus I hadn't transferred any more cash than we were willing to spend into our checking account, so that helped), and we walked out, owners of a new (to-us) car.

The most fun part of the deal for H...our salesperson was J.T. Thatcher. Now, I will admit I had (okay fine, I still pretty much have) no clue who J.T. Tatcher is, but H thought it was pretty cool. And he gave V an autographed picture so he thought that was pretty cool too.

The most fun part for me...the manger said when our kidlets are in school I should get a job there because I am a good negotiator. Straight to the point. I'd like to thank Dave Ramsey for that. Although I didn't walk in with a suitcase of cash, I'd still like to think that I made Dave proud :)

The woman I love to hate

Is Jillian Michaels. Really, I do. Sometimes I hate to love her too, but mostly I love to hate her.

She and I have been having five dates a week for about a month now and I am really noticing some changes. Actually, I am not so much noticing changes on my body (I do notice that I can pull my jeans up and down without unbuttoning them), as I think H is. The other night we were cuddling on the couch and he said something about how skinny I am getting. Now if those aren't words I love to hear, I don't know what are!

Then today, I saw a guy H works with that I haven't seen in a month or so and he said I was looking really thin. It made me feel really good (and make a wise choice at lunch--black bean burger with a salad and fruit). It makes me feel like all my hard work is getting me somewhere.

It also makes me want to re-evaluate my weight loss goals though.

When I was in high school I used to run cross-country and track and I was pretty fit. I was running 13 miles a day at least 6 days a week and usually at least 5 on the 7th day. Well, then I got hurt and stopped running but I kept eating. And eating. And eating. I didn't realize I was gaining weight though because I was shopping weekly and just kept buying new clothes. (Those were also the days when I had a pretty good paying job-for a 16 year old-and no bills.) I can distinctly remember thinking that the sizes on the clothes I was buying were changing, but it must just be the clothing manufacturers changing them.

It was not until around high school graduation when I went swimsuit shopping with H (he was not my husband then though) that it hit me. I couldn't buy a juniors size swimsuit because juniors sizes didn't go that high. That was my turning point.

Although it should have been when I overheard someone else who was looking at prom pictures point to H and I and say "there's a fat couple in every group, huh?" Nope, that didn't do it. That just sent me to the ice cream.

That summer though, I decided to join Weight Watchers and lost 47 lbs. I kept that weight off until I got pregnant with V. I didn't gain much with his pregnancy, but it was HARD to get that weight off after he was born. Really really hard. I did it though and was back down to my pre-pregnancy weight when he was about 3 months old (which was actually 4 lbs more than I weighed when I hit my goal, but still a comfortable weight for me).

Then I got pregnant with M and started following the Brewer Diet http://www.bradleybirth.com/PD.aspx. I gained about 5 lbs more with M than I did with V, but the weight came of faster at first. The last 5 lbs or so were a fight though. A knock down drag out fight, but they are gone now and they took 3 more with them. Thank goodness.

I have been working my rear off following Weight Watchers food plan and working out though. And I sort of just want to sit down and eat a gallon of ice cream, 2 dozen chocolate chip cookies, a bag of M&Ms, and potato chips dipped in sour cream. That would be my heaven. But I also want to lose another 2-7 lbs.

But heaven sounds so delicious, that maybe I am okay where I am. I can't decide. I am also sort of afraid that if I lose more, I will just have more flabby loose skin. Especially my belly skin. And then there is my shelf (what I not-so-affectionately refer to the flap of skin above my c-section scar) that keeps getting bigger as I get smaller. And I would have to buy new clothes. That is a good and a bad thing.

I am just torn I think. And I think it is going to be hella-hard to lose more weight since I have been toying with the same couple of pounds for a couple of weeks. But I have also not been so faithful (like eating a handful of M&Ms and not counting the POINTS).

Maybe tonight I will eat ice cream and tomorrow I will worry about my waist...

How I earn my keep

Since I stay at home with the kidlets, we often joke that H earns the money and I spend it, but I sort of look at what I do as a job too. Since I don't bring any money to the table (or not enough to really count anyway since I do work a bit for my dad), I try to save where I can. I hardly ever buy anything for myself (save 2 more nursing bras after M was born), I buy the kids clothes on clearance, and I coupon. I mean really coupon. This is my coupon box.

(that says "IF FOUND PLEASE RETURN TO: my name and phone number". This thing is so imporant to me. Shortly after V was born H left it in the cart at the store and I was infuriated with him. Like the maddest I have EVER been. A few days later this kid called me and said that he found this box with coupons in it and asked if I actually wanted it back! Of course I did! H thought that was pretty funny)
I have all my coupons organized so it is pretty easy to find what I am looking for. Each "divider" is labeled with something like "Baby", Bread","Drugs", etc all in alphabetical order. Then, behind each divider are envelopes labeled as well. For drugs, I have envelopes labeled deodorant, feminine, lotion, make-up, medicine, soap, and toothcare. Inside each envelope are the coupons in alphabetical order by brand and then by expiration date.

H used to be a little more than embarrassed when I would walk into the grocery store, coupon box in hand an spend an hour looking for "deals". Now, I don't have an hour at the grocery store unless I am going after the kids are in bed, and even then, I feel like I am on borrowed time since if M wakes up and is hungry, H can't feed her. So I do much of what I used to do at the store at home, but I still save a ton.

Let's take this weeks shopping trip for example. I got:

10 boxes of Kellogs cereal

1 box of popcorn

2 hot pockets

1 box of Boca burgers

10 pears

1 bag of chips

5 boxes of oatmeal

2 rolls of sausage

1 carton of ice cream

grand total: $14.86 PLUS the register printed of coupons for FOUR free gallons of milk! So basically I got all of that PLUS 4 gallons of milk for less than $15! Pretty darn good if you ask me!

Now, let me add that we don't NEED 10 boxes of cereal this week, but I put them in the pantry so I don't have to spend $4 a box on cereal when we need some. We just go shopping in the pantry.

I also want to add, that that was not the only grocery trip. I also made another trip for perishables (fruits, veggies, milk). The reason though, that I don't have a list like most people do, is that I can plan my meals around what is in my freezer, fridge, and pantry.

I honestly think we could live for 6 months and only buy milk, fruit, and veggies. It is sort of scary, but most of the stuff I hardly paid anything for, got for free, or even better got PAID for.

My favorite thing is when I get paid for stuff. Yesterday I got toothpaste (not that I NEEDED it, I probably have 20 tubes of toothpaste) but, it was on sale for $3.99. I had a $1 coupon and so I paid $2.99. The store also had a sale where if you bought it for $3.99, they would give you $3.99 towards your next purchase. I shop there weekly, so I will definitely spend the money, but they essentially paid me $1 for my toothpaste. It nearly makes me giddy!

I also got the kids entire Fall/Winter wardrobe for under $50 and it was all new at the Children's Place (so nice stuff) and JC Penney. When we were in Texas they were having a crazy good sale at TCP and I got pretty much everything M will need there and about 1/2 of V's stuff for $30-$40 (the boys stuff was pretty picked over) and then at JC Penney I finished V's shopping for about $10. Now I just have to hope that I got the right sizes!

So, all that to say that even though I don't earn much of a paycheck, I think I definitely earn my keep around here :)

Spring Break

I was really nervous about Spring Break this year. Normally, V goes to "school" two days a week so I go to work one day and run errands the other. This week I had no breal all week so I knew I would be doing all my work from home and groceries just might not get bought. I was also really worried about what we were going to do all week, but we found something to do each day.

Monday we went to a toddler aerobics class at the library and V and his friend A had a blast. Tuesday, we went to see Irish dancers at the library and again V had so much fun. That was also the day that V didn't take a nap and instead decided to poop in his bed. Poop was everywhere and I had him (and me since I had gotten poop on me while picking him up) in the shower when all of a sudden we had no water. No water at all and poop everywhere. It was disgusting. Eventually though, we got our water back and got cleaned up so he could go see the dancers.

Wednesday we went to storytime at the library and then met H for lunch. After lunch I stopped by the shop to pick up my work and V had all sorts of fun running around up there.

Thursday was Rhythm Babies at the library and then Friday we had a birthday party at Chick-fil-A. Let me just say, they were fabulous at Chick-fil-A. They were so accommodating (the birthday boy's mama said she just went in 20 minutes before the party and told them what she was planning) and they set up tables for us and put little protector things on the table for the kids. The manger also got all the kids ice cream and a little cow doll. They were fabulous! The cow even came out to see the kids, but V was terrified. And by terrified I mean latched on to my leg hiding (thank goodness mama has big thighs, right?).

Today, H isn't feeling well so we all just hung around the house, but it was a fun spring break. I feel like I got a lot done and we had a lot of fun, so I consider that a success!

guilt leads to passion

So, yesterday V and I were alphabetizing the DVDs (I know, you do what you can to stay busy when you SAH :) ) and I came across the DVD the hospital gave us of his birth. I asked him if he wanted to watch it and he did so in it went. The first part of it they put to music, so we watch H cut his umbilical cord (and by that I mean the dr cut it from me to V, but H cut it shorter), V get his footprints done, get weighed and measured, etc, etc.

Then I realize that I am not there. I am not in the video of his birth. Like I wasn't a part of it at all. At the very very end, it shows H bringing him to me so I could kiss his cheek, but he was all bundled up in a blanket with a hat on so I could only see part of his little face.

It broke my heart that just a few nights earlier I watched the video of M being born and she doesn't leave my arms during the whole video (about 15 minutes long--well, except when I had to get off my hands and knees and onto my back so I could look at her). In V's video I am not even there.

After the part they put to music they have the "uncut" part. Ours is still somewhat "cut" because they show the dr handing him to the nurses after they took him out of my uterus and then it stops until they got him breathing. Watching that brought me to tears. His birth was so violent. Even after H cut the cord, the nurses literally pushed him out of the way. It makes me so sad to think of how scary that must have been for V. To be all happy and warm inside mama and then all of a sudden being yanked out into this cold room where all these strangers are touching him and poking him and putting things in his mouth and nose. How terribly frightening for him.

I sat on the floor with the video playing holding my son and crying. I wanted so badly to tell him how sorry I am that I let them do that to him, that I did that to him. I want to go back and change it. I want the first day of his outside life to be a peaceful, happy one. I want him to have felt love, not fear in his first moments. I feel like that was my first failure as a mother. That is guilt I will take to my grave.

At the end of the uncut version, I am laying on the gurney holding him and shaking so badly V asked me what was wrong with me. Then the nurses took him off down one hall and I was wheeled down another. It just makes me sad.

Today, I was getting dressed and he saw my c/s scar. He asked me what it was and I told him that is how he came out of Mama. He looked at me with curious eyes, so I explained to him as delicately as I could that he used to be in my belly like M was and then the doctor cut Mama's belly open to get him out. He said "Oh, then she put me back so I came out your 'gina." "No, baby. Then you were out."

It's like at almost 3 the child knows that babies are made to come out of vaginas (that may be because I am his mother and that was a hot topic around here for a while and once a month we have a VBAC Support Group meet at my house where we talk about it for hours, but still he gets it!).

I sort of expected a VBAC to heal my c/s pain, but it didn't. In some ways it actually made it worse because I now know what I could have given him that I didn't.

That leads me to my passion, though. I have never really had a passion. I mean I liked stuff, sure, but never really had something I was passionate about until V was born. I think I have found my life's purpose. I want to prevent other women from needlessly going through births like I did with V.

my road

So, Dani got me thinking with her reply in my last post. I started thinking about when V was younger and we were just getting to know each other. When I was pregnant with him, I knew I wanted to breastfeed, but I only wanted to do it for 12 months. People who nursed longer than that were weird. And really, what was the point? I mean they can eat food.

I wanted to breastfeed because I knew it was what was best for baby and it was free. I had no idea about the emotional side of it. I had no clue about the bonding, for both of us. I didn't realize that I would use it as a parenting technique. I didn't know how much I would love it.

Late nights nursing my baby when everyone else was sleeping was so peaceful. Seeing his milk drunk half smile melted my heart. Being able to use nursing as a "snooze button" to get a few more minutes of sleep was fabulous and I was often able to turn a bad mood into a good one with just a few minutes of "boobies."

I often said that I didn't know how to mother without nursing and I really didn't. If V was having a fit I would bring him to my breast. If he fell down and was hurt, right to the boob. I didn't know what else to do.

Since he isn't nursing now, I have had to expand my bag of mommy tricks, and we are managing, but I have to say that I often wish I could just nurse him because it would be so much easier.

That brings me to why we nursed for as long as we did. I am a lazy mom. I really am. We co-slept so that I didn't have to actually wake up at night to nurse him. I could just get him latched on and fall right back to sleep. I couldn't even tell you how many times at night he woke up on most nights because I didn't fully wake up (either that or I just couldn't count that high!). We cloth diapered because I didn't want to have to buy diapers (and really, if you're doing 10 loads of laundry a week, does 2 more really make a difference?). And I nursed because it was easy. I didn't have to wash bottles, I didn't have to mix formula, it was easy. And when we got to the 12 month mark of nursing, it was easier to keep going than to stop. Same goes for 18 and 24 months. I just felt like nursing wasn't doing anything bad for him (and really it was doing a lot of good--he never got sick until this year and I don't know that it was a coincidence that it was also after he stopped nursing) and it wasn't worth the fight to stop. I could either nurse him for 3 minutes, or listen to him scream for 30. On the boob was easier, so on the boob it was. At some point though, he stopped asking and I stopped offering and that was that. It was easy. It was painless.

Sometimes, though, it makes me sad that he doesn't nurse anymore. We still get lots of cuddles in, but I miss the way he looked at me when he was nursing. Like I was the best thing in the world. Like I was his everything and he knew that he was mine.