That puts me in a really awkward place. I want the three of them to be sad that their dad died. I want them to know what an awesome person he was and how much he loved them. I want them to know that he never, ever, wanted to leave them.
But I don't want them to look back on their childhood and remember it being sad. I don't want them to remember a mama who was sad all the time. I want them to have a happy childhood and I know that that is what H wanted too.
So I feel like I can't be sad. And not being sad makes me frustrated. Sometimes I just want to cry and I don't feel like I can.
This morning, I was thinking about how every day has some sort of significance that makes me think of him.
Sunday he got into the accident.
Monday he died.
Tuesday was his Celebration of Life.
Wednesdays we met for lunch.
Thursdays he came home crabby because they were big bid day and we just hung out and vegged.
Fridays we watched a movie on the couch after the kids went to bed.
Saturdays were days to do something as a family.
Everything makes me think of him.
Everytime I come to an intersection, I look and think about how I can see everything coming and wonder how the other guy didn't see him.
When I eat a meal, I think about if it was something he loved or hated.
When I do laundry I think about how his clothes aren't there.
When I play with the kids I am sad that no one is here to wrestle with them on the floor.
When I wake up I wake up to an empty spot in the bed.
His shoes aren't all over the house.
His dirty clothes aren't just outside the laundry basket.
His dirty dishes aren't in the sink.
He isn't watching tv too loud.
My house isn't cold like he liked it.
He's just gone and can't cry about it. I don't want to cry about it. I just want him. It's so frustrating that I can't have him back. Everything else I have ever wanted I have been able to work hard and get. And the one thing that actually really matters, I can't. It is so aggravating. It's not fair. And I'm mad. And I'm sad.
Gracious girlie. I'm sorry you feel like you can't cry. When the kids are older they will understand that there are good days and bad days. The emotion you show will just reaffirm the strong love you both had. This is something that won't help now but in 10 years there will be more good days than bad days. You will be able to look back and remember memories and be happy about them and it not bring up sad/mad feelings. Hang in there and cry when you need to, be sad when you need to, throw things when you need to, scream when you need to. You deal how you need to deal and not what any one else says! Love you.
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