M is 2 today. I can't beleive she has been in our lives for 2 years. She is such a blessing.
For many mamas, birthdays are sad. It means our babies are getting older and they are one year closer to leaving us and getting their own place (sometimes thats a good thing though ;) ). For me, birthdays haven't ever really been sad. I have never cried on one of my kids birthdays. Until now.
Today was hard. Really hard for me. Today was the first time we did things the way we did them when H was alive and he wasn't here to do them with us. I made M's cake last night and iced it this am. Even that was hard because H and I ususally make the cake together and then I text him pictures when it is done. I made the cake alone, at 11:30 last night. I just didn't want to do it (plus it is 112 outside and I didn't want to turn on the oven!) No one to talk to while it baked. Today, there was no one to text.
We usually eat dinner and then do cake and then presents. I thought maybe doing things a little differently would make it easier, so we did presents, dinner, cake. Helping a 2 year old open gifts, keeping a 4 year old out of her gifts, keeping a 4 month old who just wants to be held from crying, AND trying to take pictures is not a one person job. That is why kids have 2 parents!
The cake was hard too. I couldn't get the match to light so we didn't have any flame on her candles. That was H's job. The crazy part is that after we sang "Happy Birthday," I moved the cake to cut it and the light above my head flicked off. A few years ago I told H that I thought we had ghosts messing with our kitchen lights. A few days after he died my brother's girlfriend and I were sitting alone in the kitchen talking about H and her mom who passsed away in October and the lights kept flicking off. I think that H was telling me he was here.
Maybe I'm crazy, but it keeps me sane.
I am so glad that today is over. I'm glad the kids are in bed. I'm glad I can drink a beer and watch trash tv and do nothing. Being without him is the worst.
For many mamas, birthdays are sad. It means our babies are getting older and they are one year closer to leaving us and getting their own place (sometimes thats a good thing though ;) ). For me, birthdays haven't ever really been sad. I have never cried on one of my kids birthdays. Until now.
Today was hard. Really hard for me. Today was the first time we did things the way we did them when H was alive and he wasn't here to do them with us. I made M's cake last night and iced it this am. Even that was hard because H and I ususally make the cake together and then I text him pictures when it is done. I made the cake alone, at 11:30 last night. I just didn't want to do it (plus it is 112 outside and I didn't want to turn on the oven!) No one to talk to while it baked. Today, there was no one to text.
We usually eat dinner and then do cake and then presents. I thought maybe doing things a little differently would make it easier, so we did presents, dinner, cake. Helping a 2 year old open gifts, keeping a 4 year old out of her gifts, keeping a 4 month old who just wants to be held from crying, AND trying to take pictures is not a one person job. That is why kids have 2 parents!
The cake was hard too. I couldn't get the match to light so we didn't have any flame on her candles. That was H's job. The crazy part is that after we sang "Happy Birthday," I moved the cake to cut it and the light above my head flicked off. A few years ago I told H that I thought we had ghosts messing with our kitchen lights. A few days after he died my brother's girlfriend and I were sitting alone in the kitchen talking about H and her mom who passsed away in October and the lights kept flicking off. I think that H was telling me he was here.
Maybe I'm crazy, but it keeps me sane.
I am so glad that today is over. I'm glad the kids are in bed. I'm glad I can drink a beer and watch trash tv and do nothing. Being without him is the worst.
I'm so sorry Jenn. I imagine today must have been very difficult. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteHugs Jenn.
ReplyDeleteCelebrate the small steps. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteHuge hugs. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDelete