Today H's best friend came over and we went through some of H's tools and such in the garage. It was not as emotional as I thought it would be, but basically we just moved stuff around. We put together a little bag of tools that I am going to keep for me and separated out some tools that I am going to keep for the kids. The rest of it we left for me to eventually maybe sell.
I don't know why I am so attached to his things. I mean they are just that, THINGS! Some of it is even things he didn't even really care about. He had no attachment to them, so why do I? H's friend made a good point that in a month I'm going to miss H, not his motorcycle jack. That is true, but somehow I can't bring myself to start the process of having his things leave my house.
I did put some of his clothes in bins a couple of weeks ago. I am having quilts made with his clothes (one for me and each of the kids) and I really want to give them to the kids on his birthday in November. In order to do that they have to leave my closet. I know that, but I just don't want them to. So silly, I know.
The man who killed him was arrested Tuesday. He posted bond and his preliminary hearing will be in December. I thought that might bring me some sort of peace, to know that this is starting so it will be over, but it didn't. I feel really badly for the man. I don't want him to worry or be scared or anything like that. All I want is for him to look me and my kids in the eyes and tell us how sorry he is. I want him to know what he took. I just want an apology.
I don't know if he will give me that or not though. He plead "not guilty" but the DA's office also said the judges won't let them enter a plea of "guilty" at this point even if they want to. I don't know how he feels about the whole thing.
I'm also half scared that he's going to kick the bucket before any of this really starts. Then I won't ever know what happened from his point of view. I won't know what he thought. I won't know what he did.
Did he run to him on the street? Did he hold his hand and tell him he was sorry? Did he let him know that help was coming? Did he even see him? It's all just so much to think about.
It's on the sad days that I find myself consumed with these thoughts. And it is so hard because no one understands. The one person who I could always turn to, the one person who knew what I was feeling without me having to say it, the one person who was always there to make me feel better is gone. It's this crazy feeling when the person I miss so much and want back so much and need so much and want so much to help me get through this is the person I can't have.
Sometimes I still think he's coming home. Sometimes I think I see him or hear him for just a second. Sometimes I look forward to those seconds. It's almost like I have him back.
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