3 months

Today marks 3 months since S died.  It seems so long ago and so not long ago all at once.

It feels like it has been ages since I've talked to him.  Since I've kissed him.  Since I've heard him laugh.  At the same time I wonder how I have survived 3 months without him.  What a crazy feeling.

Part of me wonders how the kids and I are going to live this life without him and then part of me knows we can because we've gotten this far.  It hasn't always been fun and it hasn't been easy, but we have done it.

I feel like I am forgetting him.  It is getting hard to remember what his hands felt like in mine. Or what his voice sounded like.  Or what he smelled like.  At V's counseling session today, the counselor asked V what he liked to do with Daddy.  V said they liked to smash cars (which I can assure you never happened) and then he asked me what S and I liked to do together.  It took me a second to think of something because it feels like it has been so long since I've done anything with him.  That makes me really sad and really scared.

I don't want to forget him.  I want to remember everything.  I want to be able to tell the kids everything about him.  I want them to at least know who he was through me and I am scared I won't be able to tell them.

It also makes me think about the last 10 years.  How can I forget them so quickly?  I have heard that sometimes this happens.  Sometimes, widows start to forget, but the memories come back.  I pray they do for me.  I need to remember everything.