"If you can't change your fate...

"If you can't change your fate, change your attitude" -Amy Tan

I just came across this quote and it really struck me.  Mostly because I have decided to change my attitude.  The last few weeks have been especially hard.  He has been dead for 11 weeks and one day.  78 days today.  The DA called me last week and said they are having a seminar about how the court proceedings will work and asked me to attend.  The man who killed him is being charged with negligent  homicide.  I don't know how I feel about all of this yet, but it doesn't really matter how I feel.  I don't have any say in any of it.

Anyway, after talking with the DA's office, it sort of made all of this real and that sucks.  I have noticed many of the relationships around me changing and that sucks (though some of it is good).  Nights have gotten lonelier and that sucks.  Basically, just a lot of sucking going on.

So, before I went to bed I asked H to help me to get through all of this.  To tell me what I am supposed to do.  As I ask him every night, I asked to see him in my dreams.  Up until that night, I had only had 3 dreams (that I remember) since he died.  All 3 were about him and only one of the 3 was a really good dream.

That night I had 3 dreams.  He basically told me that this is how it was always supposed to be.  And he wants me to move forward.  He wants me to continue my life.  He doesn't want me to cry over him.  He wants me to be happy.

So, I decided that I need to change my attitude.  I need to stop thinking so much about what should have been or what could have been.  This is what should have been for whatever reason and that means that nothing different could have been.

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and I still question what that reason could be, but I know there has to be one.  There just does.  And I may never know what it is, and I am okay with that (mostly).

I miss him every day and I don't think that will ever stop.  I will love him for the rest of my life.  He was an amazing man and he loved the hell out of me and our kids.  But none of that changes what happened.  Wishing and hoping and praying isn't going to change it.  All that is going to do is make me sad and he made it pretty clear to me that he doesn't want that for me.  So, really, all that's left to do is change my attitude.

That is not to say that I am not sad, or that I won't ever be sad, or that his death doesn't hurt.  It just means that I am not going to let this horrible thing turn my life into a horrible thing.  I will find happiness.  Consider me officially changed.