the club--and ramblings

I just finished this post and decided that I should say that I am writing this blog really for me.  I mean I know other people can read it, it is on the internet afterall, but it is really for me.  I find it very cathartic to get my thoughts and feelings out.  I have a notebook at home too that I write it, but sometimes I prefer to type.

I also haven't been proofreading what I've been writing.  So any typos aren't going to be caught.  Oops.
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I am part of an exclusive club.  Not many people my age are in the club.  Not many people even close to my age are in this club.  Sadly, I am not the youngest.  I am part of the widows club.  It is a club that I never thought I would be in.  Most people don't.  Tragedy doesn't happen to us anyway.  It always happens to other people.  Until it doesn't.

I have "met" a lot of other people in this club.  I have found support online from others in this shit club.  They know what it is to be living life and enjoying life and then have life ripped away.  Sadly, others know this hurt.

Those farther in this journey than me have said that people they thought were their friends aren't anymore.  They just stopped calling, stopped visiting.  Talking to a "young widow" made them uncomfortable.  I am so scared that is going to happen to me.  I feel so alone as it is because my best friend is gone.

I am just so confused.  I don't understand how he can be gone.  He was such a big, strong man and I don't see how he could be dead.  It just doesn't make sense to me.  Other people have been in motorcycle accidents, accidents similar to his even and they are fine.  Why is he not?

So many people were praying, why didn't God answer our prayers?  I mean this was a big one.  Screw the stupid prayers I have prayed.  I feel like I wasted prayers on shit when I should have been saving them up.  There is nothing in this world that I wouldn't give to have him here with me.  Nothing.  This life is just not the same without him.

I feel so overwhelmed.  There are so many decisions to make, decisions we would have made together that are all on me now.  I don't do well with making decisions.  He always made them and I just argued if I didn't like it.

In the 6 or so months before he died, I feel like he knew something was going to happen.  He tried to get me to understand things I just didn't care about.  Almost like he knew I would need to know.  I should have listened to him, but I didn't.  He got nearly everything in the house done so I have nothing really left to do.  The few things left I can do or his friend has offered to help me with.  He did special things with the kids before he died.  He made sure we all knew that he loved us.

He worked so much this last year though.  He spent so many hours at work.  He was working hard so we could have a better life.  We were sacrificing now for the future.  I'm pissed that we did that.  We planned ahead and we were planning to retire when he was about 50 and travel the world and just enjoy eachother.  Retirement was 19 years away and now all of that is gone.  I mean the planning is still there, but the future is gone.  I wish we had been irresponsible and figured that we would deal with the future in the future.

I wish he got to do all the things he wanted to do in his life.  I heard something today about how 30 isn't old and I thought that it was for him.

It all still just doesn't seem real.  I don't know that I want it to though.  The kids and I ate dinner at the table last night and the night before.  I couldn't do it again tonight though.  It is just so hard doing things without him.  I need to decide where I want to live, what I want the kids to do for school, and what to eat for dinner.  All things I don't want to do alone.

I was folding laundry yesterday and a pair of my shorts were inside out and I thought for just a second they were his.  It was so weird.

Everything in my life is just so different.  I mean, really, nothing is the same.  The laundry is different because his isn't there (although some of his stuff is because I wear his clothes to bed and around the house), the garage is different because his car is gone (its coming back, but its getting fixed right now), the entry way is different because his shoes aren't there.  The bathroom is different because his towel isn't there.  My bed is different because he isn't in.  There is no one to call when the kids do the cute things they do (today I told M to hold hands and she didn't put her hand up for me to grab.  I went to grab her and realized she was holding her hands together in front of her.  So cute, and something I definitely would have called H to tell him about).  When I make dinner, well, I don't make dinner.  When I make lunches, I am one short.  When I clean up after dinner, I don't put the leftovers in a container for him to take to work for lunch.  When I clean the kitchen after dinner, G is usually crying because I can't wash dishes and hold her and there isn't anyone here to hold her.  The kids have to play alone during that time too since he's not here to play with them.  I have to brush the kids teeth.  Things are so different.

And then there are the things that still are the same.  His clothes still hang in the closet.  His tools are still in their place in the garage.  His toothbrush is still in the bathroom where he left it.  His cologne is in the drawer.  His clothes are are still in the dressers.  His food is still in the pantry/fridge/freezer.

I can't bring myself to get rid of his things.  Even the things that I should.  Like the food only he ate.  I decided the other day that I was going to go through the pantry and donate the food that only he liked.  I took out 2 bottles of BBQ Sauce and couldn't go any farther.  I put them both back.  There is food in the freezer that I had gotten for his lunches.  I can't take it out.  I just want to feel him around me.  I want to know hes here in spirit at least.

This is all so hard.  This is not how I wanted my life to be.  This is not how he would want my life to be.  I should not be here, not in this club.  I want to revoke my membership.