my first breakdown over nothing

I took the kids to a Big Wheels Race tonight (where V was ecstatic that he won a participation ribbon--soo cute--S would have been so proud of him). It was about 108 (million) degrees outside and I was hot and the kids were hot and they were tired since it was already past their bedtime and I was tired because I just don't sleep anymore and it was just not a good combination. As we are getting in the car, I realized that a nut fell off my stroller and another screw was falling out.


I just lost it. I mean bawling, crying, screaming, lost it. I just started crying right there in the parking lot. Uncontrollably crying. It was bad.


I am aware that it is not a big deal. I know that it is an easy fix. But I still lost it when my mom asked me if S had nuts somewhere in the garage (not her fault at all--she was trying to help).


I know he does. I mean the man could fix anything and had about every tool/toolish thing you could imagine. But he's not here to fix it. I have to go dig through his things (which he hated me doing--he might have been more anal than me about his things being out of place if you can believe it) and find a nut and fix the stroller.


That was his job. I don't want to do his job. I want him here to do it. I dread the day I have to go through his things and start figuring out what to keep and what to not keep. When I get to that point it means he's really not coming back.


You don't get rid of someones things when they are coming home. I think it is starting to become real. I don't really want it to be real. If its real, then its real and that sucks.


I want to keep pretending he is coming home. That he is going to walk in and say "ha! I really got you! See, I told you you'd miss me if I was gone. The trash doesn't take out itself!" I just want him back.


This whole situation just sucks. I don't want to be here. I miss my husband.