the end

I have gone back and forth about whether or not I want to remember what the end of S's life was like. I have decided that I do, so I am going to write, what essentially is his death story.

Saturday, June 25th, 2011
I don't remember what we did Saturday morning, but I know that in the afternoon, S was working in the yard and I took the big kids to my parents house to spend the night so he and I could work on the house that night since we were listing it for sale on Monday so we could build our forever home.

I remember that he didn't hug the kids goodbye because he was sweaty and dirty from working outside so he just kissed them. They thought it was hilarious that as we were pulling out they were calling him by his first name.

Saturday night, we finished a few little things around the house and then we sat in the living room watching tv. I showed S some clothes I got for the kids for next year and he actually looked at them. Not how he usually glanced at them and said okay, but he actually paid attention. I thought that was a little weird, but whatever. He said he was really exhausted from all the work on the house and all the jobs going at work and he really just wanted to ride his motorcycle. I said "okay, then ride" and he said he would the next day.

I was tired before he was so I went to bed. He was watching a movie on the couch. I woke up at some point in the night and he wasn't in bed. I intended on going to get him off the couch, but G started fussing to I was going to nurse her and then go get him but I guess I fell back asleep nursing her.

Sunday, June 26, 2011
I woke up Sunday morning and took a pregnancy test. 2+ weeks earlier, I told S that he got me pregnant. I just knew. I took the test and it was negative, so I went and sat next to him on the couch and said "it says negative, but I'm pregnant." He said "okay" and we went about our morning. I cleaned the house and he worked in the yard.

I told him that I was going to go walking with a friend at noon and then I would come pick him up so we could go to the kids swim lessons at my parents house at 2. He said he needed to get something from work and he wanted to ride his motorcycle anyway so he would just ride up to work and then meet me at my parents. I agreed.

When I was ready to go, we didn't hug because he said he was dirty (I so wish I had hugged him sweaty and gross and all). We said I love you and kissed and I left.

I headed towards the gas station because I knew I needed gas, and on the way, I realized my tank was full. I stopped and texted him to tell him thank you for filling up my tank and I remember thinking how weird it was that I was texting him that. I have never ever done that before. I usually would just tell him when I saw him.

I got to the park and we walked a couple of miles and then headed to swim lessons. When I got to my parents house I texted S again to tell him I was there.

At 2, when the swim instructor got there I thought it was weird that S wasn't there yet. He always said "if you're on time, you're late!" so it wasn't like him to be late. We got in the pool and started the lessons.

After a few minutes, I decided I wanted a picture of the kids, so I got out and picked up my phone to take a picture. I noticed I had a missed call from "restricted" but didn't think much of it. I took the picture, posted it on facebook, and got back in the water.

A few minutes later, my phone rang again and I asked my mom who it was. She said "restricted" and I asked her to answer it. I knew it was bad. A police officer asked for me and I just knew.

I got out of the pool and he told me that S had been in an accident and was taken to the hospital. I asked if he was okay and he said I just really needed to get to the hospital. I asked if he was on his motorcycle, even though I knew he was, and he just said "yes" in a really solemn tone. This was about 2:20

I started screaming and crying that we needed to go. I kept saying "I need her" and pointing at G. We stuck her in her carseat naked (she had been in the pool with me) and I got in the car soaking wet.

My mom drove my van to the hospital and my dad followed behind. My friend and the swim instructor stayed with my big kids.

I got to the hospital around 2:45 and I was pretty hysterical. They wouldn't tell me anything and they wouldn't let me see him. Finally, they had someone bring us to a different room and they told us they were doing scans, and I could see him in 30 minutes. Then they came back in and said it would be longer. And longer. And longer. Finally, a doctor came in and said he was really really sick and she didn't know if he would be okay. She told me he had some pretty serious brain injuries and all of his limbs were broken. She said his heart was bruised. She said he looked bad and asked if I wanted to see him. YES!

I went back to him around 5:45 or 6 and he did look bad. He was pretty beaten and swollen, but if felt so good to see him. I held his hand and kissed his head and told him I loved him.

The doctor then said that they couldn't keep his blood pressure stable and they wanted to try to put his leg in a traction device to get some pressure of the broken artery in his right leg. I signed the papers and waited in the hall while they did that.

It didn't work. Then she said I had 2 choices. She could do surgery on his leg to repair the artery, but he probably wouldn't survive the operation, or we could do nothing and he would die. I told her we had to try and again, I signed the papers. They also had me sign saying they could clean the debris out of his right leg and his left wrist if he was stable enough after she fixed the artery.

He went back to surgery around 7. They said it would take 2-3 hours. After midnight they came out and told me that he survived the surgery and they were able to clean out the wounds as well since he did so well. Thank God! I went back to see him for a few minutes and they told me I needed to go to the waiting room until visiting hours at 5am. I reluctantly left and waited until 5.

Sunday, June 27, 2011

I was in his room at 5 and his nurse said his tests were looking a lot better than they thought they would. Things were looking up! I started talking to him and the nurse told me he couldn't hear me, but not to talk because I would over-stimulate him. Didn't make sense to me, but I just say next to him holding his hand. Then at 5:30, his heartrate went way up (or down) and his blood pressure went way down (or up) and they rushed me out of the room to run tests.

I went back in around 6:30 maybe and they were still trying to regulate his heartrate and his blood pressure. Up to this point he was breathing a little on his own, but a machine was doing most of the work. Visiting hours were closed, but they let me stay in his room. This is when I knew it was bad. The nurse said "we usually don't let people back here at this time, but you can stay because..." He never finished the sentence.

At 7:10, he took two big, deep breaths, all on his own and then again his heartrate and blood pressure went crazy. They rushed me out of the room again and when I came back in, I could tell he was different. His body seemed empty. I think this is when he died.

The doctors started talking about doing surgery on Wednesday and I was so thankful that he was going to come home with me. They said he wouldn't be the same and he would need a lot of help, but I didn't care. He was alive and I wanted him any way I could have him. I later found out, that even at this point, he had no brain activity. He was brain dead.

Throughout the day, his heartrate, blood pressure, and oxygenation levels weren't good, but I still had hope. At some point in the afternoon, they started talking like he wasn't going to make it again. I knew he was gone. My mom was yelling at him to open his eyes or squeeze my hand, but I knew. The doctor came in to the do the tests that prove no brain activity and I left for that. When I came back in I just looked at her and said "I know. I know." and put my head on S's chest. She then said "time of death is 6:55pm"