widow at 28

It is starting to hit me that he is really gone. He was supposed to be gone this weekend anyway on a "business" fishing trip, so I think reality is starting to set in and I don't like it.

I just miss him. I want him back. I don't know how I am supposed to live the rest of my life without him. I don't know how I'm supposed to raise three kids on my own. It's just not fair.

Sometimes I find myself thinking about what I could change. If I could change just one thing. If he has left 3o seconds later, or 30 seconds earlier, or stopped for gas, or worn his boot instead of his shoes so he wouldn't have taken the time to tie them, or left his keys on the counter, or didn't, or anything. One tiny little thing could have changed everything.

People have said some crazy things to me though and I have learned a lot over the last 13 days.

Cherish every kiss. Every single one. Two weeks ago, when we said bye as I was leaving, we kissed and said I love you, but I didn't cherish it. It was so routine for us. I wish I had cherished that kiss.

Tell the people you love that you love them. We did and I am so thankful that the last words we said to each other were "I love you"

If you are riding a motorcycle, WEAR A HELMET! He was, and while it didn't save his life, it did keep him alive long enough for me to say goodbye to him while he was still alive.

Talk to your family about organ donation. I am so thankful that he told me he wanted his organs donated. It was a decision I didn't have to make. I'm pretty sure his exact words were "Donate them. I'll be dead. I don't fucking need them."

Talk to your family about whether or not you would want to live on a machine. I am so thankful I didn't have to make that decision either, but if I did, he made it for me. Again, his words were "Pull the damn plug. I don't want to fucking live like that"

Get life insurance, like yesterday. It is so cheap and I am so thankful that while I was sitting in the hospital with him after he was gone, I wasn't worrying about how I was going to feed our kids. I could really focus on him. He cared so much about us and that was sort of his last gift to his family.

Get a will. Having a will has made things so much easier on me. Again, super cheap and I am glad we have one.

Don't tell a "young widow" that she is young and you are sure she will find someone new. While I can't imagine ever loving another man the way I love him, I understand that some people do remarry. Still, I don't want to hear that. It hurts. He can't be replaced.

Don't tell a widow with young kids how hard it is going to be. I am fully aware that my life isn't going to be what I had planned and the life of my kids isn't going to be what we had planned for them. I know it is going to be hard, please don't rub it in, I don't really have a choice.

I was looking at old pictures of us and I got to thinking about how in those moments we had no idea what the future would hold for us. We had plans to grow old together and retire on an island somewhere. Plans have changed, but if someone would have told me then that this is how my marriage would be, I would have done it exactly the same (except I would have cherished that last kiss). The last 10 years with him have been amazing. We had our fights and we had our good times and I cherish it all. I would do it all again.

I just want to hug him one more time and tell him I love him. I just want him back. Even if just for a second.