I took the kids to a carnival tonight. By myself. I really didn't want to, but I told the kids if they behaved today that we would go and they did so I kept my word and we went. BACA (Bikers Against Child Abuse) was there and they were giving the kids tattoos. My kids go crazy for tattoos, so we waited in line for a BACA tattoo. While we were waiting, we talked about S and how these men rode motorcycles too. When we got to the tattoo guy, V put his hand out and told him that his daddy rode a motorcycle. The man said "so do I! I fall off sometimes, does your daddy fall off sometimes too?" V just told him no. It really made me think about how we have no idea what is going on in other people's lives. None!
The kids did pretty well at the carnival though, especially since it was so late for them. I'd like to thank S for that. I feel like he is around and he helps me when I need it most.
Today, M peed on the potty at my parents house and we were all clapping and cheering for her when her battery powered toothbrush (that is broken and hasn't worked in weeks and was sitting on the counter next to me completely untouched) turned on. It was like S was saying, "I'm here and I'm proud of you, M!"
I like when things like that happen. Maybe I'm crazy and it just happens, but it gives me a peace to think it's him. I used to only feel him at home, but now I hardly feel him here at all. I talk to him often and I think he tells me what he thinks I should do in his own ways, but I still want to feel him here. I miss him. I will always miss him.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
4 months--I almost missed it
Today is the 27th. I didn't even realize it until late in the afternoon when I was writing a check. I thought about it yesterday, but it just slipped by for most of today. I sometimes lose track of the weeks too (this is the 18th week withouth him). I suppose that happens as time passes. Sort of sad, really.
I find myself wanting to be alone more now. I don't know what that is about since I usually like to be around people. But lately I have to force myself to go out or invite friends over. I usually have a good time when I do, but it just isn't a desire of mine right now. Maybe that is me getting used to the lonliness?
I think that is probably the hardest part about losing a spouse. The quiet and the lonliness. I used to look forward to evenings becuase the kids were all asleep and S and I could sit around and just talk or whatever. I tried to get all the chores done during the day so we could have evenings for us. It was nice. Now, I try to keep busy in the evenings. I keep the laundry folding to do at night, or the dishes, or the crafting. I need something so I don't go crazy.
I have started making a lot of things out of his clothes. Well, scarves mostly, but I like wearing them. I think they are cute and they make me feel closer to him. Sometimes I just find myself longing for him.
I am trying to do things in my life that he would want. I think the next few months are going to be hard ones. His birthday is next month, followed by Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and what would have been our 8th wedding anniversary. We also started dating in January nearly 11 years ago and he proposed to me in February nearly 10 years ago. Then it's G's first birthday and then V and my birthday in May. Then June. Then it will be a year.
Wow. Somehow I just went through the next 8 months. I hope they fly by and go slowly all at once. I keep thinking it will get easier over time. I think it just keeps getting different.
I find myself wanting to be alone more now. I don't know what that is about since I usually like to be around people. But lately I have to force myself to go out or invite friends over. I usually have a good time when I do, but it just isn't a desire of mine right now. Maybe that is me getting used to the lonliness?
I think that is probably the hardest part about losing a spouse. The quiet and the lonliness. I used to look forward to evenings becuase the kids were all asleep and S and I could sit around and just talk or whatever. I tried to get all the chores done during the day so we could have evenings for us. It was nice. Now, I try to keep busy in the evenings. I keep the laundry folding to do at night, or the dishes, or the crafting. I need something so I don't go crazy.
I have started making a lot of things out of his clothes. Well, scarves mostly, but I like wearing them. I think they are cute and they make me feel closer to him. Sometimes I just find myself longing for him.
I am trying to do things in my life that he would want. I think the next few months are going to be hard ones. His birthday is next month, followed by Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and what would have been our 8th wedding anniversary. We also started dating in January nearly 11 years ago and he proposed to me in February nearly 10 years ago. Then it's G's first birthday and then V and my birthday in May. Then June. Then it will be a year.
Wow. Somehow I just went through the next 8 months. I hope they fly by and go slowly all at once. I keep thinking it will get easier over time. I think it just keeps getting different.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
sad realizations
Today, while V was at counseling, I was reading a blog on my phone and it said something about a baby being 14 weeks old. I then realized that G was about 3 1/2 months old when S died and that is about 14 weeks and he's been dead for 16 weeks. I counted and she was 14 weeks 4 days old when he died. That means that during her life, he has been dead longer than he was alive. How sad for her. Her daddy has been dead longer than she knew him.
I also realized today that when S died, my kids didn't just lose their dad. They lost their mom too. I am so much a different parent than I was when he was alive. I have less patience, less energy, less care. I don't take them to do the things that we did when he was alive. They have skipped birthday parties because I don't feel comfortable with all the kids on my own there. They have had to skip weekend fairs and festivals. They have missed family nights at restaurants. V isn't playing soccer or t-ball or doing gymnastics because it is too late for the girls to be out and I can't be in two places at once.
Just another thing to add to the mama guilt I have. I want so badly for my kids to have a normal childhood. I want them to be normal kids. But they won't be. It wasn't in the cards for them. They will always be different. Something in their life will always be different than their friends. I just hope that this will make them stronger. That they will cherish the relationships they have with the people they love because they will know how fragile life can be. I want them to know how much their daddy loved them and to know that he will always be a part of them.
I also hope that I can be a better mom because of this. Right now, I know I am not being a better mom, but I hope that I can. I hope this makes me more laid back and less afraid. I hope I can remember the qualities S had that I don't and try to bring those forth and teach them to our kids. I know it will change them, but I don't want the fact that my kids dad died to define them.
I also realized today that when S died, my kids didn't just lose their dad. They lost their mom too. I am so much a different parent than I was when he was alive. I have less patience, less energy, less care. I don't take them to do the things that we did when he was alive. They have skipped birthday parties because I don't feel comfortable with all the kids on my own there. They have had to skip weekend fairs and festivals. They have missed family nights at restaurants. V isn't playing soccer or t-ball or doing gymnastics because it is too late for the girls to be out and I can't be in two places at once.
Just another thing to add to the mama guilt I have. I want so badly for my kids to have a normal childhood. I want them to be normal kids. But they won't be. It wasn't in the cards for them. They will always be different. Something in their life will always be different than their friends. I just hope that this will make them stronger. That they will cherish the relationships they have with the people they love because they will know how fragile life can be. I want them to know how much their daddy loved them and to know that he will always be a part of them.
I also hope that I can be a better mom because of this. Right now, I know I am not being a better mom, but I hope that I can. I hope this makes me more laid back and less afraid. I hope I can remember the qualities S had that I don't and try to bring those forth and teach them to our kids. I know it will change them, but I don't want the fact that my kids dad died to define them.
Monday, October 17, 2011
how many people *does* it take to change a lightbulb
Apparently at least two. Or at least me plus someone who knows how to do it. A few of the lights in my kitchen have been out for a while so yesterday I decided to finally change them. That was always, S's job, but I decided it really needed to be done and obviously he's not doing it. So I went in the garage, got the lightbulbs, got the stool and climbed up to change the bulb (while all 3 kids were clamoring trying to get up the stepstool too). It was then that I realized I have no idea how to change this lightbulb. I tried to get the bulb out, but couldn't and finally gave up and asked his friend to come help me. Now, in my defense, these are not regular lightbulbs. They are complicated and I know how to do it now, but it just made me realize how much S took care of that I didn't have to think about.
I am so thankful to have such awesome neighbors who have been taking care of my lawn for me. And I am so blessed that S and I have such good friends who come to fix my washer, fix my car, light my heater, and change my lightbulbs.
These are things I feel like I need to be able to do though. I should be able to take care of these things on my own. I should, but somehow I can't.
Not just physically can't, but emotionally. It is hard to do the things that S did.
The kids and I also washed my car yesterday. I haven't washed a car since I was 16. S always did that for me too.
My counselor asked me last week what I want for my future and I told her I want to be happy. She asked me what that meant, how would I know when I was there, and I couldn't answer her. True happiness seems someone unattainable to me right now. She tasked me with deciding what happiness means to me now. I can obviously change my definition, but she wants me to decide how I will know when I am happy in the future.
Tonight I cooked dinner. A real dinner. I made chicken, stuffing, and green beans and carrots. The kids and I sat at the table and ate a real dinner like a real family. A real family with someone missing. It has been 16 weeks and I finally did it. It feels good to have that past me, but I decided that I think I will be happy when I can do everyday things and not be sad. When I can change a lightbulb or wash the car or make dinner without being sad.
I think tonight, I took a step in the right direction.
I am so thankful to have such awesome neighbors who have been taking care of my lawn for me. And I am so blessed that S and I have such good friends who come to fix my washer, fix my car, light my heater, and change my lightbulbs.
These are things I feel like I need to be able to do though. I should be able to take care of these things on my own. I should, but somehow I can't.
Not just physically can't, but emotionally. It is hard to do the things that S did.
The kids and I also washed my car yesterday. I haven't washed a car since I was 16. S always did that for me too.
My counselor asked me last week what I want for my future and I told her I want to be happy. She asked me what that meant, how would I know when I was there, and I couldn't answer her. True happiness seems someone unattainable to me right now. She tasked me with deciding what happiness means to me now. I can obviously change my definition, but she wants me to decide how I will know when I am happy in the future.
Tonight I cooked dinner. A real dinner. I made chicken, stuffing, and green beans and carrots. The kids and I sat at the table and ate a real dinner like a real family. A real family with someone missing. It has been 16 weeks and I finally did it. It feels good to have that past me, but I decided that I think I will be happy when I can do everyday things and not be sad. When I can change a lightbulb or wash the car or make dinner without being sad.
I think tonight, I took a step in the right direction.
Friday, October 14, 2011
organ donation recipients
I don't know whether or not I've mentioned it, but S's organs were donated. I told them to use everything they could, but they were only able to use his liver and his kidneys. I wrote letters to the 3 people who received his organs, but I haven't heard anything back yet. I am still hopeful that they will write. I am sure it is hard for them to know that someone died in order for them to live and I know they have their own sort of grieving to do. I will be patient.
I really want to meet them one day though. It would mean so much to me to see them and know that a part of S is living on in them.
That is why I feel so blessed to have met 2 organ donation recipients this week. It wasn't planned, by me anyway, but the more time that passes the more I think there is some sort of Divine plan in the works here.
Wednesday afternoon I got really sick. Really, really sick and I had to call my mom to come over and take care of the kids. I think I ate something bad, and I just couldn't take care of them. She was fabulous and came over and played with them and fed them and put them to bed for me. She just brought me G when she needed to nurse. Anyway, Thursday I was supposed to work at a health fair for Weight Watchers, but I didn't think I would be able to since I was so sick.
Thursday morning, I woke up and was still iffy about whether or not I could do it. I finally decided I wasn't feeling 100%, but I could do it, so I did. I ran into a friend there, who mentioned that she had walked the fair earlier and saw that LifeShare was there. So, before I left, I went over to the LifeShare booth, expecting to see the people who work in the office, but there were 2 organ recipients. One woman, who had a double lung transplant 4 years ago, was about my age and the other woman, who received a pancreas and kidney 11 years ago was a bit older. It was so neat to talk to them! The pancreas and kidney recipient said that her donor was a 13 year old boy and she and his family are close now. The double lung recipient said that she wrote to her donor's family, a "middle age woman", but hasn't heard anything yet. She said she likes to "adopt" other donor families as hers though.
Seeing what they have done since their transplants and hearing about their journeys was amazing! I hope that the people who have S's organs are doing well too. Obviously, I would rather have S here then pretty much anything else, but since that isn't an option, I am so thankful that he was able to give the gift of life to 3 other people. Even in his death, he is doing good! What an amazing man!
I really want to meet them one day though. It would mean so much to me to see them and know that a part of S is living on in them.
That is why I feel so blessed to have met 2 organ donation recipients this week. It wasn't planned, by me anyway, but the more time that passes the more I think there is some sort of Divine plan in the works here.
Wednesday afternoon I got really sick. Really, really sick and I had to call my mom to come over and take care of the kids. I think I ate something bad, and I just couldn't take care of them. She was fabulous and came over and played with them and fed them and put them to bed for me. She just brought me G when she needed to nurse. Anyway, Thursday I was supposed to work at a health fair for Weight Watchers, but I didn't think I would be able to since I was so sick.
Thursday morning, I woke up and was still iffy about whether or not I could do it. I finally decided I wasn't feeling 100%, but I could do it, so I did. I ran into a friend there, who mentioned that she had walked the fair earlier and saw that LifeShare was there. So, before I left, I went over to the LifeShare booth, expecting to see the people who work in the office, but there were 2 organ recipients. One woman, who had a double lung transplant 4 years ago, was about my age and the other woman, who received a pancreas and kidney 11 years ago was a bit older. It was so neat to talk to them! The pancreas and kidney recipient said that her donor was a 13 year old boy and she and his family are close now. The double lung recipient said that she wrote to her donor's family, a "middle age woman", but hasn't heard anything yet. She said she likes to "adopt" other donor families as hers though.
Seeing what they have done since their transplants and hearing about their journeys was amazing! I hope that the people who have S's organs are doing well too. Obviously, I would rather have S here then pretty much anything else, but since that isn't an option, I am so thankful that he was able to give the gift of life to 3 other people. Even in his death, he is doing good! What an amazing man!
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
100 days
Today marks 100 days since S died. 100 days. Wow. Triple digits. I can remember in elementary school having a 100 day party on the 100th day of school. Such a thing to celebrate! I felt like I should mark this day somehow, but couldn't figure out how, so I didn't do anything special. 100 days.
I did look at his helmet for the first time today. His helmet and saddle bags have been sitting in a box in my garage for about 3 months. My brother went to get them from the tow lot and he took pictures of the bike for me too. I looked at the pictures a while ago and I was shocked at how little damage was done to the bike. It really didn't look bad. There was a dent in the gas tank and one of the mirrors was broken. That was about it. He took the brunt of it.
They told me his saddle bags look new (and they do) and his helmet didn't look bad either, but I haven't been ready to look at it until today. It has a small paint mark on the chin area and that is about it. I wonder if his head hit the guys car there. I really examined the helmet. I looked at every inch, inside and out. I can see where the paramedics cut the chin strap to get the helmet off his head. I smelled the inside. I wanted to see if it smelled like him. It doesn't.
I am sort of mad at the helmet. It didn't do its job. I paid for it to protect his head if he got into an accident and it failed miserably. It hardly took a beating at all. It gave it all to him.
101 days ago that piece of plastic and padding was on S's head as he rode his bike through the intersection. He put it on that day, so that in the unlikely event of an accident, he would live to tell the story. His story will never be told.
I did look at his helmet for the first time today. His helmet and saddle bags have been sitting in a box in my garage for about 3 months. My brother went to get them from the tow lot and he took pictures of the bike for me too. I looked at the pictures a while ago and I was shocked at how little damage was done to the bike. It really didn't look bad. There was a dent in the gas tank and one of the mirrors was broken. That was about it. He took the brunt of it.
They told me his saddle bags look new (and they do) and his helmet didn't look bad either, but I haven't been ready to look at it until today. It has a small paint mark on the chin area and that is about it. I wonder if his head hit the guys car there. I really examined the helmet. I looked at every inch, inside and out. I can see where the paramedics cut the chin strap to get the helmet off his head. I smelled the inside. I wanted to see if it smelled like him. It doesn't.
I am sort of mad at the helmet. It didn't do its job. I paid for it to protect his head if he got into an accident and it failed miserably. It hardly took a beating at all. It gave it all to him.
101 days ago that piece of plastic and padding was on S's head as he rode his bike through the intersection. He put it on that day, so that in the unlikely event of an accident, he would live to tell the story. His story will never be told.
Monday, October 3, 2011
not doing the widow thing right
There should be a widow's handbook. It says how long a widow is required to cry. How many times a day she is allowed to think of her husband. How often she can talk about him. When it is okay to take his clothes out of the closet or clear his dresser drawers or throw away his toothbrush. How she should refer to her husband. When to tell people she is just meeting that she is a widow. When she should start dating. And much more, but since there is not, I am just doing what feels right to me.
I don't know how to grieve my husband. I wasn't planning on doing it this early in life. I'm just winging it.
I read that 7 years after a man has died his widow thinks of him 10 times an hour. TEN times an HOUR! After SEVEN YEARS! That is how much the death affects the widow. How much is changes her. It is life altering, forever.
I called him "my late husband" for the first time today. It felt so weird calling him "late" because he wasn't late for anything! It feels weird sometimes calling him my husband though. I mean he is my husband, but I'm not married anymore.
I have a husband, but I'm not married. How weird is that?
I have been trying to talk myself into selling some of his tools and such in a couple of weeks. We'll see if I get there or not. I took some of his clothes out of the closet so I can have quilts made for the kids and for me. His toothbrushes are still in the toothbrush holders though (he had one in each bathroom). The things I feel ready to part with and those I don't are so random.
I also realized the other day, that if I had died, the only things in the house that are just mine are my clothes and my sewing machine. He would have so much less to go through. Everything else he would really need to keep. Just my clothes and my sewing machine. How crazy.
And crazy brings me to the grocery store. I ran into the grocery store after leaving counseling the other day to just get a couple of things I needed before I picked the kids up at my parents'. I am really out of the loop on dating or whatever though because I didn't even realize the guy was hitting on me for a while, even though he apparently used a well known pick-up. We ended up standing in the aisle of the grocery store for about an hour talking though. Right there between eggs and pasta sauce, for an hour! It was flattering, yes, but crazy just the same.
And it brought up the concept of me dating. Am I ready? Will it happen? I don't know. I just want my family and friends to know that if and when I do date, I will be very cautious about who I bring around my children. I will also be very cautious about who I let into my life. My kids and I have been hurt horribly by the death of S and I want to protect them from any hurt I can. And I will. I think I have pretty fair judgement and really good instincts. And I'm not a floosie. I will also try to be honorable and respect S and his wishes. I know what he would want for me and our kids and I want to honor him.
That is really what everything boils down to. I want to honor my husband. I want to live my life how he would want me to. I want that because he loved me. I know he would want me to be happy. He always said that if I was happy, he was happy, and I want him to be happy. :)
I don't know how to grieve my husband. I wasn't planning on doing it this early in life. I'm just winging it.
I read that 7 years after a man has died his widow thinks of him 10 times an hour. TEN times an HOUR! After SEVEN YEARS! That is how much the death affects the widow. How much is changes her. It is life altering, forever.
I called him "my late husband" for the first time today. It felt so weird calling him "late" because he wasn't late for anything! It feels weird sometimes calling him my husband though. I mean he is my husband, but I'm not married anymore.
I have a husband, but I'm not married. How weird is that?
I have been trying to talk myself into selling some of his tools and such in a couple of weeks. We'll see if I get there or not. I took some of his clothes out of the closet so I can have quilts made for the kids and for me. His toothbrushes are still in the toothbrush holders though (he had one in each bathroom). The things I feel ready to part with and those I don't are so random.
I also realized the other day, that if I had died, the only things in the house that are just mine are my clothes and my sewing machine. He would have so much less to go through. Everything else he would really need to keep. Just my clothes and my sewing machine. How crazy.
And crazy brings me to the grocery store. I ran into the grocery store after leaving counseling the other day to just get a couple of things I needed before I picked the kids up at my parents'. I am really out of the loop on dating or whatever though because I didn't even realize the guy was hitting on me for a while, even though he apparently used a well known pick-up. We ended up standing in the aisle of the grocery store for about an hour talking though. Right there between eggs and pasta sauce, for an hour! It was flattering, yes, but crazy just the same.
And it brought up the concept of me dating. Am I ready? Will it happen? I don't know. I just want my family and friends to know that if and when I do date, I will be very cautious about who I bring around my children. I will also be very cautious about who I let into my life. My kids and I have been hurt horribly by the death of S and I want to protect them from any hurt I can. And I will. I think I have pretty fair judgement and really good instincts. And I'm not a floosie. I will also try to be honorable and respect S and his wishes. I know what he would want for me and our kids and I want to honor him.
That is really what everything boils down to. I want to honor my husband. I want to live my life how he would want me to. I want that because he loved me. I know he would want me to be happy. He always said that if I was happy, he was happy, and I want him to be happy. :)
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