Today, while V was at counseling, I was reading a blog on my phone and it said something about a baby being 14 weeks old. I then realized that G was about 3 1/2 months old when S died and that is about 14 weeks and he's been dead for 16 weeks. I counted and she was 14 weeks 4 days old when he died. That means that during her life, he has been dead longer than he was alive. How sad for her. Her daddy has been dead longer than she knew him.
I also realized today that when S died, my kids didn't just lose their dad. They lost their mom too. I am so much a different parent than I was when he was alive. I have less patience, less energy, less care. I don't take them to do the things that we did when he was alive. They have skipped birthday parties because I don't feel comfortable with all the kids on my own there. They have had to skip weekend fairs and festivals. They have missed family nights at restaurants. V isn't playing soccer or t-ball or doing gymnastics because it is too late for the girls to be out and I can't be in two places at once.
Just another thing to add to the mama guilt I have. I want so badly for my kids to have a normal childhood. I want them to be normal kids. But they won't be. It wasn't in the cards for them. They will always be different. Something in their life will always be different than their friends. I just hope that this will make them stronger. That they will cherish the relationships they have with the people they love because they will know how fragile life can be. I want them to know how much their daddy loved them and to know that he will always be a part of them.
I also hope that I can be a better mom because of this. Right now, I know I am not being a better mom, but I hope that I can. I hope this makes me more laid back and less afraid. I hope I can remember the qualities S had that I don't and try to bring those forth and teach them to our kids. I know it will change them, but I don't want the fact that my kids dad died to define them.
I just wanted to let you know that I have cousins who lost their dad when they were tiny, the older one was 2 years, the younger one was 3 months, and they're okay. They're 17 and 15 now, and they are good, well rounded kids. Of course things will never be the same for your kids, but they'll be okay. ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteHugs and more hugs. Sad realizations for sure. G is still so small. I can totally understand what you are saying about losing both parents in a sense. I hear you saying that you wish things were different, but you hope you can come out of it learning something. I know you know to do this, but go easy on yourself, none of us can side step the mommy guilt, but be kind to yourself, you deserve that patience and understanding right now. Love you so much. <3
ReplyDeleteGive yourself time, Jenn. You are doing an awesome job with those kids! And the fact that you are processing through all these thoughts & feelings is a good thing!
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