4 months--I almost missed it

Today is the 27th.  I didn't even realize it until late in the afternoon when I was writing a check.  I thought about it yesterday, but it just slipped by for most of today.  I sometimes lose track of the weeks too (this is the 18th week withouth him).  I suppose that happens as time passes.  Sort of sad, really.

I find myself wanting to be alone more now.  I don't know what that is about since I usually like to be around people.  But lately I have to force myself to go out or invite friends over.  I usually have a good time when I do, but it just isn't a desire of mine right now.  Maybe that is me getting used to the lonliness?

I think that is probably the hardest part about losing a spouse.  The quiet and the lonliness.  I used to look forward to evenings becuase the kids were all asleep and S and I could sit around and just talk or whatever.  I tried to get all the chores done during the day so we could have evenings for us.  It was nice.  Now, I try to keep busy in the evenings.  I keep the laundry folding to do at night, or the dishes, or the crafting.  I need something so I don't go crazy.

I have started making a lot of things out of his clothes.  Well, scarves mostly, but I like wearing them.  I think they are cute and they make me feel closer to him.  Sometimes I just find myself longing for him.

I am trying to do things in my life that he would want.  I think the next few months are going to be hard ones.  His birthday is next month, followed by Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and what would have been our 8th wedding anniversary.  We also started dating in January nearly 11 years ago and he proposed to me in February nearly 10 years ago.  Then it's G's first birthday and then V and my birthday in May.  Then June.  Then it will be a year.

Wow.  Somehow I just went through the next 8 months.  I hope they fly by and go slowly all at once.  I keep thinking it will get easier over time.  I think it just keeps getting different.