how many people *does* it take to change a lightbulb

Apparently at least two.  Or at least me plus someone who knows how to do it.   A few of the lights in my kitchen have been out for a while so yesterday I decided to finally change them.  That was always, S's job, but I decided it really needed to be done and obviously he's not doing it.  So I went in the garage, got the lightbulbs, got the stool and climbed up to change the bulb (while all 3 kids were clamoring trying to get up the stepstool too).  It was then that I realized I have no idea how to change this lightbulb.  I tried to get the bulb out, but couldn't and finally gave up and asked his friend to come help me.  Now, in my defense, these are not regular lightbulbs.  They are complicated and I know how to do it now, but it just made me realize how much S took care of that I didn't have to think about.

I am so thankful to have such awesome neighbors who have been taking care of my lawn for me.  And I am so blessed that S and I have such good friends who come to fix my washer, fix my car, light my heater, and change my lightbulbs.

These are things I feel like I need to be able to do though.  I should be able to take care of these things on my own.  I should, but somehow I can't.

Not just physically can't, but emotionally.  It is hard to do the things that S did.

The kids and I also washed my car yesterday.  I haven't washed a car since I was 16.  S always did that for me too.

My counselor asked me last week what I want for my future and I told her I want to be happy.  She asked me what that meant, how would I know when I was there, and I couldn't answer her.  True happiness seems someone unattainable to me right now.  She tasked me with deciding what happiness means to me now.  I can obviously change my definition, but she wants me to decide how I will know when I am happy in the future.

Tonight I cooked dinner.  A real dinner.  I made chicken, stuffing, and green beans and carrots.  The kids and I sat at the table and ate a real dinner like a real family.  A real family with someone missing.  It has been 16 weeks and I finally did it.  It feels good to have that past me, but I decided that I think I will be happy when I can do everyday things and not be sad.  When I can change a lightbulb or wash the car or make dinner without being sad.

I think tonight, I took a step in the right direction.