I have been hearing all sorts of VBAC and homebirth horror stories lately and I am starting to get scared about this whole baby coming out of my body business that is going to happen in less than 3 months. (less than THREE MONTHS! the idea of having 3 people depend on me day in and day out scares me too, but that is for another time)
I also truly believe and trust in my mama instinct. It has never steered me wrong. But my issue is that I am having a hard time telling the difference between my mama instinct and fear placed in my brain from outside sources. I don't want to ignore my mama instinct, but I also don't want to do something I don't really want to do because of fear.
So last night I went out with my VBAC buddy and we talked about it a bit. I got some of my feelings out and she said something that made a lot of sense. She said when she was planning her VBA2C and started to feel fear or doubt, she sort of tired on the other option. She said she would think about calling the OB and telling him that she wanted to just schedule a c/s and see how that idea made her feel. As soon as she said that I thought about going to the hospital and I knew that wasn't for us. I really don't feel safe there anymore. That made me feel like we are making the right choice for us and that the fear I am feeling is not my own.
I really need to work on paying attention to the things I read so I can keep the bad out of my brain and listen to my mama voice. It is there for a reason and I totally trust it.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
the scariest moments
I took the kids to Target yesterday while we were out running errands and we were looking at the clothes when V said he didn't want to sit in the stroller anymore. Usually, if he gets out he will stand near me, so I told him he could get out, but he had to stay next to me. Well, he stood next to me for a minute or two and then he took off running through the clothing racks. I ran after him (big belly, stroller, and all), but when I got to the back of the area he wasn't there. (he had weaved in and out of racks I just can't move as fast as he can anymore!)
I started screaming his name and after I don't know how long I am running back and forth (with the stroller still since M is still in it) screaming his name and crying. A Target employee came up and within seconds was on her little speaker thing calling out a "Code Yellow." Other people were helping me look for him, but all they knew was that he was wearing a red shirt because that is all I could get out through my tears (well that and his name) and how many kids are wearing red shirts at Christmastime!
I don't have any idea how long he was actually gone for, but it felt like an eternity. I had all of these horrible visions running through my head and kept thinking that they needed to lock the doors to the store. Finally, a lady called out that she saw him and when he saw me crying he realized something was wrong and I think that scared him.
I have never been so happy and so mad all at the same time before.
After that we paid for our things and went home. The whole way home, V kept saying "I'm sorry I ran from you Mama." I tried to explain to him how dangerous it is, but I don't think it sank into his little three-year-old brain. I called H to tell him and started bawling again, and after he calmed me down he started laughing. He said it must have been pretty funny to see this big pregnant lady running around screaming and crying pushing my monster of a stroller! He also said people were probably thinking "this lady can't even handle the two kids she has, how is she going to handle THREE!?!" He's probably right, and sometimes I don't even know how I'm going to do it, but I figure I will figure it out!
I started screaming his name and after I don't know how long I am running back and forth (with the stroller still since M is still in it) screaming his name and crying. A Target employee came up and within seconds was on her little speaker thing calling out a "Code Yellow." Other people were helping me look for him, but all they knew was that he was wearing a red shirt because that is all I could get out through my tears (well that and his name) and how many kids are wearing red shirts at Christmastime!
I don't have any idea how long he was actually gone for, but it felt like an eternity. I had all of these horrible visions running through my head and kept thinking that they needed to lock the doors to the store. Finally, a lady called out that she saw him and when he saw me crying he realized something was wrong and I think that scared him.
I have never been so happy and so mad all at the same time before.
After that we paid for our things and went home. The whole way home, V kept saying "I'm sorry I ran from you Mama." I tried to explain to him how dangerous it is, but I don't think it sank into his little three-year-old brain. I called H to tell him and started bawling again, and after he calmed me down he started laughing. He said it must have been pretty funny to see this big pregnant lady running around screaming and crying pushing my monster of a stroller! He also said people were probably thinking "this lady can't even handle the two kids she has, how is she going to handle THREE!?!" He's probably right, and sometimes I don't even know how I'm going to do it, but I figure I will figure it out!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
confession
I drive a van. A mini-van. A mom-van. A mom-bus. A big green ugly kid-toting mobile. And I LOVE it! I mean I really really love it.
When my sedan's engine started going out a couple of months ago, H and I discussed whether to fix it or just get a new car for me then, since we would have to before baby comes anyway. We decided to just get our bigger car then and we debated between an SUV and a van. I wanted an SUV because I just didn't want to drive a van. I mean they are big and ugly and old people drive vans. People who wear mom jeans drive vans. Vans were not for me! At the end of the day though, we decided the van would be easier with 3 kids. I was sort of upset to be driving a van, but decided I needed to just get over it.
Now though, I love the stupid thing! It is so easy to get the kids in and out and I love that the doors open on their own. It will be easier with the baby than an SUV I am sure, especially since all 3 kids will be rear-facing. It is so easy to change M's diaper or to put groceries in or anything. I just love it.
So there is it. I drive a mini-van. And I like it :)
When my sedan's engine started going out a couple of months ago, H and I discussed whether to fix it or just get a new car for me then, since we would have to before baby comes anyway. We decided to just get our bigger car then and we debated between an SUV and a van. I wanted an SUV because I just didn't want to drive a van. I mean they are big and ugly and old people drive vans. People who wear mom jeans drive vans. Vans were not for me! At the end of the day though, we decided the van would be easier with 3 kids. I was sort of upset to be driving a van, but decided I needed to just get over it.
Now though, I love the stupid thing! It is so easy to get the kids in and out and I love that the doors open on their own. It will be easier with the baby than an SUV I am sure, especially since all 3 kids will be rear-facing. It is so easy to change M's diaper or to put groceries in or anything. I just love it.
So there is it. I drive a mini-van. And I like it :)
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
at peace
I have really been letting negative comments about our birth plans get to me lately and it has made me sort of lose trust in my body and my baby. That makes me really scared because I feel like so much of labor and birth, and pregnancy even, are about mindset. I don't want to fear any of it. I want to be confident and strong. I feel like with V's pregnancy and birth I was scared and nervous and with M's I was not. I was confident and strong and I feel like I need to be there mentally again.
I have been feeling baby move a lot this pregnancy and it is amazing! But most of the movement I was feeling was down low, which sort of gives me faith that my placenta isn't near my c/s incision or anterior, but it also made me think baby was breech. One of the midwives and I had a really short discussion about breech birth because that is a big part of my baggage. I am scared of a breech baby. She said that if baby is breech, as long as he/she is butt down, vaginal birth, and homebirth, is still an option. I think just hearing that (even though I knew that already) gave me a lot of peace. That isn't something I have to worry about. Funny thing is that a few days after she and I had that chat, I am fairly sure baby flipped and is head down now. I get a lot of strong kicks at the top of my belly.
I also laid in bed the other night and just talked to my baby. I think that really brought me to a better place where I again feel confident in our birth choices. I know that we are doing what we feel is best for our baby, for me, and for our family. I feel like I can really get excited about having a new member of our family.
H and I have also been discussing a lot about whether or not we want to know if baby is a boy or a girl and I think we are pretty set now on waiting until his/her birthday to find out. I just love the excitement and selfishly, I feel like it gives me something to focus on during pushing. Since baby and I had our little chat the other night though, I have a really strong feeling about baby's gender :)
So at somewhere around 23-25 weeks, I am feeling good. I am feeling confident. I am feeling strong. I feel prepared to welcome our newest little miracle (but not for another 12ish weeks at least!)
I have been feeling baby move a lot this pregnancy and it is amazing! But most of the movement I was feeling was down low, which sort of gives me faith that my placenta isn't near my c/s incision or anterior, but it also made me think baby was breech. One of the midwives and I had a really short discussion about breech birth because that is a big part of my baggage. I am scared of a breech baby. She said that if baby is breech, as long as he/she is butt down, vaginal birth, and homebirth, is still an option. I think just hearing that (even though I knew that already) gave me a lot of peace. That isn't something I have to worry about. Funny thing is that a few days after she and I had that chat, I am fairly sure baby flipped and is head down now. I get a lot of strong kicks at the top of my belly.
I also laid in bed the other night and just talked to my baby. I think that really brought me to a better place where I again feel confident in our birth choices. I know that we are doing what we feel is best for our baby, for me, and for our family. I feel like I can really get excited about having a new member of our family.
H and I have also been discussing a lot about whether or not we want to know if baby is a boy or a girl and I think we are pretty set now on waiting until his/her birthday to find out. I just love the excitement and selfishly, I feel like it gives me something to focus on during pushing. Since baby and I had our little chat the other night though, I have a really strong feeling about baby's gender :)
So at somewhere around 23-25 weeks, I am feeling good. I am feeling confident. I am feeling strong. I feel prepared to welcome our newest little miracle (but not for another 12ish weeks at least!)
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
thankful
I have seen all over facebook people doing 25 things they are thankful for and I didn't do it on facebook, but I want to do it now. So here it is, 25 things I am thankful for this year:
1. my husband. He is the hardest working man I know and I am so thankful that he picked me to be his wife (and that I was smart enough to pick him to be my husband!). I know he loves me and our kids with everything he has and we really appreciate how hard he works for us.
2. my kids. My kids are my everything. They always make me laugh and I get so much joy from watching them interact. They love each other and I am so thankful that I get to be their mama.
3. my belly. I am so blessed to be able to experience pregnancy and birth again and I am so excited to meet the little person in my belly.
4. my birth experiences, both of them. Without one I wouldn't have the other and I am thankful for both. They have truly made me who I am today.
5. my friends. I have some of the best friends a girl could ask for. I know if I need anything I can call them and they will be there, even at 2 in the morning :)
6. my parents. They drive me batty, but they do it out of love. I know they love me and H and our kids so much and we appreciate everything they do for us.
7. my midwives. I am so thankful that they are here and supportive of VBACing mamas. Plus, I smile every time I am visiting them :)
8. hot showers. Really, is there anything better in life than a hot shower? (I'm talking the kind that leaves your a$$ red)
9. good food. I know there are so many people who don't have enough food and I am thankful that I have plenty and it is yummy too!
10. coupons. I am thankful that I am able to save our family money with coupons.
11. Dave Ramsey. Had we not met Dave 5 years ago, I don't know where we would be. It is nice that what used to be an emergency is now just an inconvenience.
12. our house. I know it is not finished, but I am thankful that we have a house to keep us warm in the winter and cool in the summer.
13. our cars. They aren't the coolest or the most expensive, but they get us where we need to go and I am thankful for that.
14. sleep. I don't get much of it lately, but when I do I LOVE it!
15. our health. Our family is mostly healthy and I am so thankful for our health.
16. my OCD tendencies. They bug me a lot, but really, I am thankful that it keeps me organized
17. hand sanitizer. I love that when one of my kids touches something gross I can get their hands sort of clean, even if there isn't soap and water around.
18. a clean house. My house isn't always clean, but I am glad that I have the time to keep it mostly clean.
19. my education. Even though I don't use my degrees, I am glad I have them.
20. my kids toys. They keep them entertained so I can get dinner made or laundry thrown in the washer or the floor vacuumed.
21. my washer/dryer and dishwasher. I can't imagine having to do stuff by hand or having to take laundry elsewhere to be washed.
22. cloth diapers. I love how cute my babies look with their big cloth diaper bums!
23. the Internet. So many questions can be answered in a matter of seconds with this cool technology.
24. automatic bill pay. I love that I don't have to think about paying bills anymore.
25. that I have so much to be thankful for. My list could go on and on, and I am so thankful that it could.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
1. my husband. He is the hardest working man I know and I am so thankful that he picked me to be his wife (and that I was smart enough to pick him to be my husband!). I know he loves me and our kids with everything he has and we really appreciate how hard he works for us.
2. my kids. My kids are my everything. They always make me laugh and I get so much joy from watching them interact. They love each other and I am so thankful that I get to be their mama.
3. my belly. I am so blessed to be able to experience pregnancy and birth again and I am so excited to meet the little person in my belly.
4. my birth experiences, both of them. Without one I wouldn't have the other and I am thankful for both. They have truly made me who I am today.
5. my friends. I have some of the best friends a girl could ask for. I know if I need anything I can call them and they will be there, even at 2 in the morning :)
6. my parents. They drive me batty, but they do it out of love. I know they love me and H and our kids so much and we appreciate everything they do for us.
7. my midwives. I am so thankful that they are here and supportive of VBACing mamas. Plus, I smile every time I am visiting them :)
8. hot showers. Really, is there anything better in life than a hot shower? (I'm talking the kind that leaves your a$$ red)
9. good food. I know there are so many people who don't have enough food and I am thankful that I have plenty and it is yummy too!
10. coupons. I am thankful that I am able to save our family money with coupons.
11. Dave Ramsey. Had we not met Dave 5 years ago, I don't know where we would be. It is nice that what used to be an emergency is now just an inconvenience.
12. our house. I know it is not finished, but I am thankful that we have a house to keep us warm in the winter and cool in the summer.
13. our cars. They aren't the coolest or the most expensive, but they get us where we need to go and I am thankful for that.
14. sleep. I don't get much of it lately, but when I do I LOVE it!
15. our health. Our family is mostly healthy and I am so thankful for our health.
16. my OCD tendencies. They bug me a lot, but really, I am thankful that it keeps me organized
17. hand sanitizer. I love that when one of my kids touches something gross I can get their hands sort of clean, even if there isn't soap and water around.
18. a clean house. My house isn't always clean, but I am glad that I have the time to keep it mostly clean.
19. my education. Even though I don't use my degrees, I am glad I have them.
20. my kids toys. They keep them entertained so I can get dinner made or laundry thrown in the washer or the floor vacuumed.
21. my washer/dryer and dishwasher. I can't imagine having to do stuff by hand or having to take laundry elsewhere to be washed.
22. cloth diapers. I love how cute my babies look with their big cloth diaper bums!
23. the Internet. So many questions can be answered in a matter of seconds with this cool technology.
24. automatic bill pay. I love that I don't have to think about paying bills anymore.
25. that I have so much to be thankful for. My list could go on and on, and I am so thankful that it could.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Monday, November 8, 2010
the happenings in our house
so much has been going on in our lives. H has been out of town working nearly every week and when he is in town he is working late (as in he gets home long after I am in bed). It has been hard not seeing him, but when he is home it makes it so much better :)
V has been cracking me up with everything he says and does. He has started calling everyone "honey" which is just about the cutest thing ever. I call him and M (and H too) honey so I guess he figured that is just what we do. The other night he said "Mama, will you read this book to me please, honey?" My heart melted right there!
His imagination is crazy! He is always telling me about things he is dreaming up like storms in the bathroom or dinosaurs in his bedroom. Frequently I have to go in and take them out because they scare him which is even cuter!
He has also started laying on the floor saying "help! help!" and M goes over and crawls on top of him making them both laugh hysterically! I love it!
And M, my sweet baby is not so much a baby anymore! She is just changing so much! She has taken a few steps, but really prefers to crawl. I think she realizes she is faster crawling so she just does that. But she is talking up a storm! We had an electrician over the other day fixing some stuff in our kitchen and he had is ladder up while we were eating breakfast. She kept saying "up that! up that!" The girl loves to climb! Hide-and-seek and peek-a-boo are her favorite games and I think she likes waking up early so she and I have some time just the two of us to play. She is so much fun!
And our little belly baby is growing too. It is getting harder and harder to nurse M and V is realizing that real estate on my lap is getting scarce. Plus, I am feeling some movement which is crazy to me since I hardly ever felt the kids! I usually only feel it at night (which very well could be because I just don't have the time to pay attention during the day) but I love it. I look forward to it every night.
I feel so blessed to have such a hardworking husband and such amazing little people in my life!
V has been cracking me up with everything he says and does. He has started calling everyone "honey" which is just about the cutest thing ever. I call him and M (and H too) honey so I guess he figured that is just what we do. The other night he said "Mama, will you read this book to me please, honey?" My heart melted right there!
His imagination is crazy! He is always telling me about things he is dreaming up like storms in the bathroom or dinosaurs in his bedroom. Frequently I have to go in and take them out because they scare him which is even cuter!
He has also started laying on the floor saying "help! help!" and M goes over and crawls on top of him making them both laugh hysterically! I love it!
And M, my sweet baby is not so much a baby anymore! She is just changing so much! She has taken a few steps, but really prefers to crawl. I think she realizes she is faster crawling so she just does that. But she is talking up a storm! We had an electrician over the other day fixing some stuff in our kitchen and he had is ladder up while we were eating breakfast. She kept saying "up that! up that!" The girl loves to climb! Hide-and-seek and peek-a-boo are her favorite games and I think she likes waking up early so she and I have some time just the two of us to play. She is so much fun!
And our little belly baby is growing too. It is getting harder and harder to nurse M and V is realizing that real estate on my lap is getting scarce. Plus, I am feeling some movement which is crazy to me since I hardly ever felt the kids! I usually only feel it at night (which very well could be because I just don't have the time to pay attention during the day) but I love it. I look forward to it every night.
I feel so blessed to have such a hardworking husband and such amazing little people in my life!
on insurance
I follow a fellow VBACer's blog (http://thefeministbreeder.com/) and she posted the other day about her insurance woes which got me thinking about my issues with insurance.
Her story in a nutshell is that her insurance plan changed and now doesn't cover her homebirth like she thought it would and she can't afford the thousands of dollars OOP that it would cost for a homebirth. Totally understandable and I can relate to how she feels.
When H got his new job we fully understood that the new job did not come with insurance (which was provided at 100% with his old job). We planned to get private insurance, but when I called to apply, I was told only one company in this state will provide maternity coverage. Well, we weren't planning on having any more kids, but I wanted to know that we had insurance just in case because I didn't want to take the risk of a huge bill if I ended up with another c/s if we got pregnant again. We knew then that if we had another baby, he/she would be born at home, but I just wanted the back-up since V's birth was well over $100k.
Well, the only company that offers maternity insurance in Oklahoma won't cover a woman with a prior cesarean, even if she has had a vaginal birth after the c/s. Totally sucks. So that left us with the option of no maternity coverage or going through my dad's business to get insurance since I work there for him one day a week. We applied for the private insurance, but V got denied completely because his medical records show that he "might have XYZ" but then says later that he does not and apparently the insurance company can't read and didn't realize it said he didn't have that (which, BTW, I had never even heard of). I was also denied anything relating to uterine surgery because of my cesarean. Well, V can't just not have insurance so we "chose" the group policy. Since it was FIVE TIMES more for insurance with the group policy than we would have with the private, for less coverage and higher co-pays, we decided we would just have that until we got the mess with the private company figured out. Well, in that time, I got pregnant so our whole family got denied coverage.
So, then we actually contemplated working the system a bit and getting legally separated so that the kids and I could be covered by the state and we would just pay for private insurance for H. Our homebirth would still not be covered, but at least we wouldn't have to pay thousands of dollars in the off chance that I ended up in a hospital, on top of the premiums we are paying for the insurance.
We decided that wasn't the right thing to do, and then found out it wouldn't work anyway because H can't get private insurance if he is expecting a child. (We found that out when we realized it would be cheaper monthly to get H and the kids private insurance and I just keep the group policy--no insurance company will do that since H is expecting a child).
So in the end, I feel like we are paying a crapton of money for insurance that we can't even use (won't cover the homebirth in network and out out of network deductible is way higher than the homebirth, plus we get a discount for not running it through insurance). I am thankful that we have the funds to pay for our birth (with cutting out other things), but it still pisses me off.
And then I think about the women who don't have the option of a group policy at all or don't have the money to pay for the birth (which is not cheap--it is costing us more than my other 2 births). I feel like the insurance companies are dictating how many children a woman can have. I mean if my dad didn't own a business that I worked for, we would be screwed. No insurance, no coverage for any of us, nothing. How many other families are in that situation? It really sucks, and I feel like there isn't a whole lot we can do about it. We need them and they know it.
Her story in a nutshell is that her insurance plan changed and now doesn't cover her homebirth like she thought it would and she can't afford the thousands of dollars OOP that it would cost for a homebirth. Totally understandable and I can relate to how she feels.
When H got his new job we fully understood that the new job did not come with insurance (which was provided at 100% with his old job). We planned to get private insurance, but when I called to apply, I was told only one company in this state will provide maternity coverage. Well, we weren't planning on having any more kids, but I wanted to know that we had insurance just in case because I didn't want to take the risk of a huge bill if I ended up with another c/s if we got pregnant again. We knew then that if we had another baby, he/she would be born at home, but I just wanted the back-up since V's birth was well over $100k.
Well, the only company that offers maternity insurance in Oklahoma won't cover a woman with a prior cesarean, even if she has had a vaginal birth after the c/s. Totally sucks. So that left us with the option of no maternity coverage or going through my dad's business to get insurance since I work there for him one day a week. We applied for the private insurance, but V got denied completely because his medical records show that he "might have XYZ" but then says later that he does not and apparently the insurance company can't read and didn't realize it said he didn't have that (which, BTW, I had never even heard of). I was also denied anything relating to uterine surgery because of my cesarean. Well, V can't just not have insurance so we "chose" the group policy. Since it was FIVE TIMES more for insurance with the group policy than we would have with the private, for less coverage and higher co-pays, we decided we would just have that until we got the mess with the private company figured out. Well, in that time, I got pregnant so our whole family got denied coverage.
So, then we actually contemplated working the system a bit and getting legally separated so that the kids and I could be covered by the state and we would just pay for private insurance for H. Our homebirth would still not be covered, but at least we wouldn't have to pay thousands of dollars in the off chance that I ended up in a hospital, on top of the premiums we are paying for the insurance.
We decided that wasn't the right thing to do, and then found out it wouldn't work anyway because H can't get private insurance if he is expecting a child. (We found that out when we realized it would be cheaper monthly to get H and the kids private insurance and I just keep the group policy--no insurance company will do that since H is expecting a child).
So in the end, I feel like we are paying a crapton of money for insurance that we can't even use (won't cover the homebirth in network and out out of network deductible is way higher than the homebirth, plus we get a discount for not running it through insurance). I am thankful that we have the funds to pay for our birth (with cutting out other things), but it still pisses me off.
And then I think about the women who don't have the option of a group policy at all or don't have the money to pay for the birth (which is not cheap--it is costing us more than my other 2 births). I feel like the insurance companies are dictating how many children a woman can have. I mean if my dad didn't own a business that I worked for, we would be screwed. No insurance, no coverage for any of us, nothing. How many other families are in that situation? It really sucks, and I feel like there isn't a whole lot we can do about it. We need them and they know it.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
too old to feel this young!
I totally don't feel like I am 27 years old. I don't feel old enough to have been out of high school for 10 years! I frequently think about how young I feel. I mean I don't feel old enough to be married and have 2 kids with one on the way. Sometimes I want to go do something I feel the urge to call my mom to make sure it is okay. I think can I really own a home and live with a boy???
Maybe it is because I got married young. Maybe it is because I didn't really have the "college experience". Maybe it is because I am just young at heart (ha!). It is just weird to think about how much older I am than I feel.
Maybe it is because I got married young. Maybe it is because I didn't really have the "college experience". Maybe it is because I am just young at heart (ha!). It is just weird to think about how much older I am than I feel.
success
the other night H and I went to the Carrie Underwood concert and realized that she and I are about the same age. So on the way home, we were talking about it and H asked me jokingly why I wasn't successful like that with a record deal making hundreds of thousands a year. I told him probably because I can't sing :)
Seriously, though, it got me thinking about what success is. I mean I have friends from high school that we sort of consider successful because they are living and working in NYC or LA or somewhere other than here, but really are they any more successful than me? Does it matter if they are working at a law firm or waiting tables? Does it matter if they are miserable or happy? Does it matter if they went to college or not? What really makes us successful?
My 10 year high school reunion is next year and if I were to go, I wonder if I would be considered a success. I mean I went to college and I graduated, so I feel like I would get a point for that, but I don't work so do I lose a point? Or if you consider the little work I do, I work for my dad so even if I worked for him full time do I lose two? What about being happy with my choices. I love being a mom. I love being a SAHM. I love taking care of my kids, my husband and my home. It makes me happy and I hope it makes my family happy too. But I sort of feel like I lose a few points for that because I don't have some bigtime job and I don't make the big bucks.
At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter what other people think. I feel like a success. When I peek in on my sleeping babies and they are resting with smiles on their faces I know I am doing something right. When I lay down in bed next to my husband and put my hand on his back, I feel at peace. In that moment, all is right in the world and I am successful.
Seriously, though, it got me thinking about what success is. I mean I have friends from high school that we sort of consider successful because they are living and working in NYC or LA or somewhere other than here, but really are they any more successful than me? Does it matter if they are working at a law firm or waiting tables? Does it matter if they are miserable or happy? Does it matter if they went to college or not? What really makes us successful?
My 10 year high school reunion is next year and if I were to go, I wonder if I would be considered a success. I mean I went to college and I graduated, so I feel like I would get a point for that, but I don't work so do I lose a point? Or if you consider the little work I do, I work for my dad so even if I worked for him full time do I lose two? What about being happy with my choices. I love being a mom. I love being a SAHM. I love taking care of my kids, my husband and my home. It makes me happy and I hope it makes my family happy too. But I sort of feel like I lose a few points for that because I don't have some bigtime job and I don't make the big bucks.
At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter what other people think. I feel like a success. When I peek in on my sleeping babies and they are resting with smiles on their faces I know I am doing something right. When I lay down in bed next to my husband and put my hand on his back, I feel at peace. In that moment, all is right in the world and I am successful.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Homebirth
I have been hearing a lot lately about how we are taking some huge risk by having our baby at home and it is really starting to wear on me. First, I just don't have the energy to put up a fight anymore. With 2 kids to care for and and one to grow inside, I am a tired lady! Second, it really hurts that my friends and family would think that we care so little about our family that we would put them in harms way. We have done our research about homebirth and we have decided that it is the safest option for us. We don't think we are taking a huge risk, we don't think we are being brave, we think that we are making an educated choice and taking control of how our child will come into this world.
Now, with that said, obviously we don't look down on people who choose hospitals to birth their babies. We don't judge them and tell them they are taking a huge risk by going to the hospital. We made that choice with 2 of our kids, and while I know that many hospital births are wonderful and empowering, that is not what we got from the hospital.
I don't think that women who choose an OB for care during pregnancy are being irresponsible or are crazy even though I didn't chose the OB route for our second two pregnancies. I just feel that, for me, the OB did more to harm then to help and she was really pretty unnecessary (had I not had a C/S that is).
And I don't understand why these people thing I am being so irresponsible by choosing a midwife and a homebirth. We are educated in birth and we trust in my body's ability to birth babies. We trust birth.
We do understand that there are risks associated with homebirth, but there are risks associated with hospital birth too. Just like when we chose VBAC over ERCS, we are choosing the set of risks we are most comfortable with. For our family, the risks that make more sense are those of a homebirth.
Now, with that said, obviously we don't look down on people who choose hospitals to birth their babies. We don't judge them and tell them they are taking a huge risk by going to the hospital. We made that choice with 2 of our kids, and while I know that many hospital births are wonderful and empowering, that is not what we got from the hospital.
I don't think that women who choose an OB for care during pregnancy are being irresponsible or are crazy even though I didn't chose the OB route for our second two pregnancies. I just feel that, for me, the OB did more to harm then to help and she was really pretty unnecessary (had I not had a C/S that is).
And I don't understand why these people thing I am being so irresponsible by choosing a midwife and a homebirth. We are educated in birth and we trust in my body's ability to birth babies. We trust birth.
We do understand that there are risks associated with homebirth, but there are risks associated with hospital birth too. Just like when we chose VBAC over ERCS, we are choosing the set of risks we are most comfortable with. For our family, the risks that make more sense are those of a homebirth.
Monday, October 4, 2010
good mom/bad wife bad mom/good wife
I frequently feel torn between being a "good mom" and a "good wife." I feel like since I stay at home, I should keep the house clean, the laundry done, and a hot dinner on the table at 5pm, but when I do those things, I feel like it is at the sacrifice of my kids.
Today, I woke up at 6 am, made H lunch, and started to clean and organize the house. I payed bills and got the kitchen picked up before the kids even woke up and since V wasn't feeling great he camped on the couch this morning while M was napping and I went to work. I got stuff in our bedroom put away (we had just stored everything in there once we got carpet and got our living room put back together), I got the office organized, I put the photos from the last 3 years in a photo album (and I need to get another album because there are photos left and nowhere for them to go), I mopped the kitchen, and I folded some laundry. Once M woke up, I fed the kids lunch and put them down for afternoon naps. V said he wasn't tired (he was) so I told him he could lay on my bed and watch me fold laundry. Well, either Mama was right or really boring because he fell right asleep. Once I got the laundry all put away, I started on dinner. I made 2 lasagnas (I love to eat lasagna, but hate to make it because it is so time consuming to I froze one).
Our house is clean, the laundry is all done, and dinner was on the table when H got home from work, but I feel like I neglected the kids all day. I mean they were fed and changed, but emotionally, I feel like I let them down.
It is a daily struggle for me. I feel like if the house is a mess, I was a good mom, but if it is clean I wasn't. Sometimes I can get them involved in cleaning and picking up and make it a learning experience, but usually they get bored with me and go play together somewhere else.
Tomorrow we are going out so I know it will be more fun for them, and I know in the long run, their lives won't be forever altered because I spent one day cleaning the house, but I can't help but think that when they are 30, I would so much rather them remember having fun playing with Mama is a so-so clean house, than remember playing alone while Mama mopped the floors.
Today, I woke up at 6 am, made H lunch, and started to clean and organize the house. I payed bills and got the kitchen picked up before the kids even woke up and since V wasn't feeling great he camped on the couch this morning while M was napping and I went to work. I got stuff in our bedroom put away (we had just stored everything in there once we got carpet and got our living room put back together), I got the office organized, I put the photos from the last 3 years in a photo album (and I need to get another album because there are photos left and nowhere for them to go), I mopped the kitchen, and I folded some laundry. Once M woke up, I fed the kids lunch and put them down for afternoon naps. V said he wasn't tired (he was) so I told him he could lay on my bed and watch me fold laundry. Well, either Mama was right or really boring because he fell right asleep. Once I got the laundry all put away, I started on dinner. I made 2 lasagnas (I love to eat lasagna, but hate to make it because it is so time consuming to I froze one).
Our house is clean, the laundry is all done, and dinner was on the table when H got home from work, but I feel like I neglected the kids all day. I mean they were fed and changed, but emotionally, I feel like I let them down.
It is a daily struggle for me. I feel like if the house is a mess, I was a good mom, but if it is clean I wasn't. Sometimes I can get them involved in cleaning and picking up and make it a learning experience, but usually they get bored with me and go play together somewhere else.
Tomorrow we are going out so I know it will be more fun for them, and I know in the long run, their lives won't be forever altered because I spent one day cleaning the house, but I can't help but think that when they are 30, I would so much rather them remember having fun playing with Mama is a so-so clean house, than remember playing alone while Mama mopped the floors.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
scared
Tonight I went to see a girlfriend who had just had a baby. She has a daughter just a bit younger than V and they love to play together so we get together often. We have talked a lot about birth and such because, well first, its me and I love to talk birth, but second, she was really disappointed in her first birth experience. She was induced and said it was just really traumatic for her. She was the first person I actually talked to who had her baby vaginally and still had a traumatic experience. So, we talked about what she wanted to do differently this time. She decided she didn't want to be induced and she didn't want an epidural. Well, she went into labor on her own (three days after her "EDD") and pushed out her 9lb 7oz baby sans epidural. She is amazing!
But the thing is she said it was terrible. She said it was horrible and painful and she wouldn't do it without drugs again. It really made me scared. I mean I know that her baby was a pound a 1/2 bigger than mine and I don't think I would have a baby that big since my other 2 were smaller, but I started to think, what if I was just lucky the first time?
My first labor didn't hurt. Really, it didn't, but what if the second one does? What if I can't handle it? What if it is really long and scary and what I just can't hack it. It scares me.
We talked tonight (while I got to hold her precious bundle) about why some labors are so painful and some are not and the only conclusion we could really come to is what we compare it to.
I compared labor to a c/s. Labor hurt nothing like c/s recovery for me. She compared labor without meds to labor with an epidural. Still, though, now I have labor to compare it to and I am scared I won't have a short labor, or that I will because shorter labors are generally more intense.
Basically I just need to get these feelings out. I know in the end, drugs are not an option for me so I will have to deal with what I am handed. I just hope I can handle it.
But the thing is she said it was terrible. She said it was horrible and painful and she wouldn't do it without drugs again. It really made me scared. I mean I know that her baby was a pound a 1/2 bigger than mine and I don't think I would have a baby that big since my other 2 were smaller, but I started to think, what if I was just lucky the first time?
My first labor didn't hurt. Really, it didn't, but what if the second one does? What if I can't handle it? What if it is really long and scary and what I just can't hack it. It scares me.
We talked tonight (while I got to hold her precious bundle) about why some labors are so painful and some are not and the only conclusion we could really come to is what we compare it to.
I compared labor to a c/s. Labor hurt nothing like c/s recovery for me. She compared labor without meds to labor with an epidural. Still, though, now I have labor to compare it to and I am scared I won't have a short labor, or that I will because shorter labors are generally more intense.
Basically I just need to get these feelings out. I know in the end, drugs are not an option for me so I will have to deal with what I am handed. I just hope I can handle it.
Friday, September 10, 2010
sibling love
The other day the kids and I were reading books and after reading one about a baby, I asked V if he wanted a new baby. He got this really sad look on his face and said "No, Mama! I like M. I want to keep my sister!"
He totally thought we were making a trade or something. I just wonder why he assumed we were trading her and not him :)
Then at dinner, I gave her some sliced peaches and he said "Be careful, M. Only take small bites so you don't choke."
He really loves her.
And I know she loves him because after she nurses every morning she goes right to him and gives him hugs and kisses.
I just hope they still feel the same way in 15 years!
He totally thought we were making a trade or something. I just wonder why he assumed we were trading her and not him :)
Then at dinner, I gave her some sliced peaches and he said "Be careful, M. Only take small bites so you don't choke."
He really loves her.
And I know she loves him because after she nurses every morning she goes right to him and gives him hugs and kisses.
I just hope they still feel the same way in 15 years!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
I'm NOT a VBAC/breastfeeding/natural birth advocate
I know, I know, you're thinking, really, Jenn? Really? You think that?
Really though, I'm not.
I don't think every mama who has had a c/s should VBAC. I don't think every woman should breastfeed. I don't think every woman should have a natural birth. I don't, and I don't judge woman who don't do those things. What I do think is that every woman should be able to make the choice that is best for her and her family.
This is where it gets tricky though, because most woman can't make that choice. Why? Well, because they are not told the benefits and risks to both sides. When I planned my VBAC, I had to sign a paper and initial by each of the risks I was taking (my uterus could rupture, my baby could die, I could die, etc, etc, etc). Each risk was explained to me by an OB and then I had to initial by it. When I had my c/s, I also signed a form stating that I understood the risks of my surgery. The difference-- a nurse said "here are the risks. Basically, you could die, but keep in mind that that is a risk with every surgery and the chance of that happening is slim to none and c/s are very very safe. Just sign here." She waved the pen over the risks like they were nothing and I signed on the dotted line.
Now, why is it that with the c/s, the risks were trivial, but with the VBAC it was a huge risk and surely neither me or my baby would make it out alive? I have my thoughts on that, but I don't know for sure. Had I actually had INFORMED CONSENT, I may have decided to wait on the c/s and see if my baby would turn. Had my OB been honest with me, and told me babies can turn late in pregnancy, I might have told her to wait until I went into labor to section if he was still breech. I think I would have made different choices.
The fault can't completely lie in the hands of the OB or the nurse though, because I, like so many other first time moms, didn't educate myself. I trusted my OB. So many woman do, and it seems that all too often OBs aren't 100% honest. I have heard of many OBs and anesthesiologists who have told woman that epidurals are 100% safe and none of the medication goes through the placenta to the baby. That is in fact 100% FALSE. There are real risks with epidurals. Inductions are the same story.
If more woman understood that inductions have a 50% c/s rate (as opposed to the freakishly high 33% c/s rate for all births), I wonder if they would make the same choice. If they knew that babies, even at term (38+ weeks) can be "premature" and having breathing difficulties I wonder if they would wait to go into labor. If woman knew just SOME of the risks they are taking for being induced I wonder if they would agree to it. Surely, some would, but some probably wouldn't.
And epidurals. I wonder if woman knew that epis can slow labor, or that they can cause a baby to be lethargic at birth, or that they can cause tearing of the perineum, or that they can be put in incorrectly and numb up instead of down, or that they sometimes cause death, or that there is a real risk of being paralyzed, or that it can cause a lifetime of back pain or spinal headaches or any of the other associated risks if they would still get them at the first hint of a contraction. Again, some would, but some might wait (especially if she were able to move during labor and not lie on her back in a bed).
This is also not to say that there are no good reasons to induce or no good reasons to get an epidural. Of course there are, but I think that the woman needs to weigh the risks and benefits of both sides and make an INFORMED decision. Most women don't do that. Most woman do whatever the doctor says without asking why and what the risks are.
Really though, I'm not.
I don't think every mama who has had a c/s should VBAC. I don't think every woman should breastfeed. I don't think every woman should have a natural birth. I don't, and I don't judge woman who don't do those things. What I do think is that every woman should be able to make the choice that is best for her and her family.
This is where it gets tricky though, because most woman can't make that choice. Why? Well, because they are not told the benefits and risks to both sides. When I planned my VBAC, I had to sign a paper and initial by each of the risks I was taking (my uterus could rupture, my baby could die, I could die, etc, etc, etc). Each risk was explained to me by an OB and then I had to initial by it. When I had my c/s, I also signed a form stating that I understood the risks of my surgery. The difference-- a nurse said "here are the risks. Basically, you could die, but keep in mind that that is a risk with every surgery and the chance of that happening is slim to none and c/s are very very safe. Just sign here." She waved the pen over the risks like they were nothing and I signed on the dotted line.
Now, why is it that with the c/s, the risks were trivial, but with the VBAC it was a huge risk and surely neither me or my baby would make it out alive? I have my thoughts on that, but I don't know for sure. Had I actually had INFORMED CONSENT, I may have decided to wait on the c/s and see if my baby would turn. Had my OB been honest with me, and told me babies can turn late in pregnancy, I might have told her to wait until I went into labor to section if he was still breech. I think I would have made different choices.
The fault can't completely lie in the hands of the OB or the nurse though, because I, like so many other first time moms, didn't educate myself. I trusted my OB. So many woman do, and it seems that all too often OBs aren't 100% honest. I have heard of many OBs and anesthesiologists who have told woman that epidurals are 100% safe and none of the medication goes through the placenta to the baby. That is in fact 100% FALSE. There are real risks with epidurals. Inductions are the same story.
If more woman understood that inductions have a 50% c/s rate (as opposed to the freakishly high 33% c/s rate for all births), I wonder if they would make the same choice. If they knew that babies, even at term (38+ weeks) can be "premature" and having breathing difficulties I wonder if they would wait to go into labor. If woman knew just SOME of the risks they are taking for being induced I wonder if they would agree to it. Surely, some would, but some probably wouldn't.
And epidurals. I wonder if woman knew that epis can slow labor, or that they can cause a baby to be lethargic at birth, or that they can cause tearing of the perineum, or that they can be put in incorrectly and numb up instead of down, or that they sometimes cause death, or that there is a real risk of being paralyzed, or that it can cause a lifetime of back pain or spinal headaches or any of the other associated risks if they would still get them at the first hint of a contraction. Again, some would, but some might wait (especially if she were able to move during labor and not lie on her back in a bed).
This is also not to say that there are no good reasons to induce or no good reasons to get an epidural. Of course there are, but I think that the woman needs to weigh the risks and benefits of both sides and make an INFORMED decision. Most women don't do that. Most woman do whatever the doctor says without asking why and what the risks are.
I have heard first hand, nurses and pediatricians say that formula is just as good as breastmilk or that women need to supplement with formula until their milk comes in or that they just don't make enough milk or any of the other straight up lies that run rampant around the nursery and pediatricians office.
The fact of the matter is that breastmilk is miles above formula and when women supplement with formula until their milk comes in they are causing their milk not to come in and causing a drop in supply. Nursing works on supply and demand so if there is nothing coming out then the body thinks there is nothing needed and makes less. It is detrimental to the breastfeeding relationship.
With all that said, I do understand that some women truly don't make enough milk, but that is a very very very rare occurrence. I think more often then not, the lack of supply is due to lack of information.
I took risks when I decided to push my baby out instead of having an ERCS. I knew that I was taking risks with a VBAC, but I also knew that there were risks with an ERCS. My husband and I talked about the risks and decided which risks we were more comfortable with. For us, VBAC was the better option, for others, ERCS might be the better choice. Neither is wrong, just different, but either way woman deserve to be informed!Sunday, August 8, 2010
what might have been
a friend posted something on facebook today that got me thinking. She said that her son's traumatic birth 5 years ago changed her path in life forever. That sentiment holds true for me too.
3 years ago my path in life changed. When I was pregnant with V, I had no ideas on attachment parenting, natural birth, breastfeeding, etc. All I knew was that a baby was coming out of my vagina and I didn't want any drugs. Beyond that, I figured I would probably breastfeed for 6 months if I could, but I was not co-sleeping, baby-wearing, or changing my life at all for this little person. I figured he would work his life around mine.
HA! After V was born, I was mad. Really mad and angry and nursing him hurt like hell, but I was determined. Everyone had told me I would be "begging for the epidural" and I was thinking that they were probably right because I was in horrendous pain both at my incision sight and on my nipples. Something in me changed, though. I decided that they had taken by birth, and they were not getting breastfeeding too. I fought through breastfeeding and the sore nipples, the bad latch, thrush 3 times, the sleepless nights, everything.
When V was 1 day shy of 6 weeks old, I went to my first La Leche League meeting. I walked in, terrified, but seeking answers. At that first meeting, we all went around and introduced ourselves and the leader asked everyone to say one struggle they had with breastfeeding. I was first to go and even though I had trouble, I looked around and saw all these mamas latching their babies on without a second thought and didn't want them to think I was a bad mom so I just said that I didn't have any problems. As the meeting when on, all the other woman told of their struggles and I just thought "I have that too! and that! and that!" I knew I was in the right place.
At that first meeting I also met a girl who would end up changing my path in motherhood. T (who was one of my doulas when M was born and just a mama a really admire) taught me pretty much everything I know about cloth diapers. She was inspiring to me.
At the next meeting, a lady walked in with her 6 week old in his carseat, her boppy, and exhausted eyes. A year later, she would become my best friend and VBAC partner. We sat through meetings together for an entire year, never talking to each other.
Then one night (a year after my first meeting), she said she was pregnant with number 3 and wanting to VBA2C. T and I stood in the parking lot talking with her for something like 4 hours. She was the first person I had ever met who wanted to avoid another c/s. We exchanged email addresses and started emailing on the daily. Then, we set up playdates and ice cream dates and girls nights at IHOP after LLL.
Now, the LLL group has weekly playdates and I have met some of my best friends through that group. Had I never had a c/s, I don't think I would have had the passion I did about nursing my son. I probably wouldn't have ever gone to LLL and I would have missed out on knowing some pretty cool girls.
On a smaller scale, had I not had a c/s, I wouldn't know anything about birth. I would have gone into my subsequent births with the same mindset I did my first and chances are I would have ended up with a c/s at some point. Either that, or I would have a very unhealthy view on birth. I would be scared of birth.
So, for a lot of reasons, I am thankful for my experience. I am glad that my journey has been what it was so that I can be here today. I am so glad that I have met the women I have met along the way and I am so very glad that I have learned as much about birth and breastfeeding as I have. I'm glad things are what they are and not what they might have been.
3 years ago my path in life changed. When I was pregnant with V, I had no ideas on attachment parenting, natural birth, breastfeeding, etc. All I knew was that a baby was coming out of my vagina and I didn't want any drugs. Beyond that, I figured I would probably breastfeed for 6 months if I could, but I was not co-sleeping, baby-wearing, or changing my life at all for this little person. I figured he would work his life around mine.
HA! After V was born, I was mad. Really mad and angry and nursing him hurt like hell, but I was determined. Everyone had told me I would be "begging for the epidural" and I was thinking that they were probably right because I was in horrendous pain both at my incision sight and on my nipples. Something in me changed, though. I decided that they had taken by birth, and they were not getting breastfeeding too. I fought through breastfeeding and the sore nipples, the bad latch, thrush 3 times, the sleepless nights, everything.
When V was 1 day shy of 6 weeks old, I went to my first La Leche League meeting. I walked in, terrified, but seeking answers. At that first meeting, we all went around and introduced ourselves and the leader asked everyone to say one struggle they had with breastfeeding. I was first to go and even though I had trouble, I looked around and saw all these mamas latching their babies on without a second thought and didn't want them to think I was a bad mom so I just said that I didn't have any problems. As the meeting when on, all the other woman told of their struggles and I just thought "I have that too! and that! and that!" I knew I was in the right place.
At that first meeting I also met a girl who would end up changing my path in motherhood. T (who was one of my doulas when M was born and just a mama a really admire) taught me pretty much everything I know about cloth diapers. She was inspiring to me.
At the next meeting, a lady walked in with her 6 week old in his carseat, her boppy, and exhausted eyes. A year later, she would become my best friend and VBAC partner. We sat through meetings together for an entire year, never talking to each other.
Then one night (a year after my first meeting), she said she was pregnant with number 3 and wanting to VBA2C. T and I stood in the parking lot talking with her for something like 4 hours. She was the first person I had ever met who wanted to avoid another c/s. We exchanged email addresses and started emailing on the daily. Then, we set up playdates and ice cream dates and girls nights at IHOP after LLL.
Now, the LLL group has weekly playdates and I have met some of my best friends through that group. Had I never had a c/s, I don't think I would have had the passion I did about nursing my son. I probably wouldn't have ever gone to LLL and I would have missed out on knowing some pretty cool girls.
On a smaller scale, had I not had a c/s, I wouldn't know anything about birth. I would have gone into my subsequent births with the same mindset I did my first and chances are I would have ended up with a c/s at some point. Either that, or I would have a very unhealthy view on birth. I would be scared of birth.
So, for a lot of reasons, I am thankful for my experience. I am glad that my journey has been what it was so that I can be here today. I am so glad that I have met the women I have met along the way and I am so very glad that I have learned as much about birth and breastfeeding as I have. I'm glad things are what they are and not what they might have been.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Happy Birthday Sweet Girl!
Today my baby in one. ONE! I have been really sad about this day coming all week, but last night I decided that I am not going to be sad. Really, this is a day to celebrate and while my baby is growing up and that is sad for me in a lot of ways, it is also really exciting! I don't want to look back on her birthday and remember being sad. I want to celebrate!
Plus, this is the first birthday that I can look back on the birth of my child and really smile. M gave me a gift a year ago and I can only hope that she will someday be able to understand what her birth has done for me as a mama, a wife, and a woman.
Today is a day for celebrating and I want to celebrate my husband because without him, I of course wouldn't have the two most amazing kids in the universe, but I also wouldn't be able to look back one year and smile like I can today. I also want to celebrate three of the coolest ladies I know, T, A, and M. Without their support through my pregnancy and birth and just in life in general there is no way I would where I am today.
And, mostly importantly, M. Thank you so much for choosing me to be your mama. Thank you so much for having a smile that melts my heart instantly. Thank you so much for having an infectious laugh. Thank you so much for just being you, I love you so much!
Happy Birthday, Baby!
Plus, this is the first birthday that I can look back on the birth of my child and really smile. M gave me a gift a year ago and I can only hope that she will someday be able to understand what her birth has done for me as a mama, a wife, and a woman.
Today is a day for celebrating and I want to celebrate my husband because without him, I of course wouldn't have the two most amazing kids in the universe, but I also wouldn't be able to look back one year and smile like I can today. I also want to celebrate three of the coolest ladies I know, T, A, and M. Without their support through my pregnancy and birth and just in life in general there is no way I would where I am today.
And, mostly importantly, M. Thank you so much for choosing me to be your mama. Thank you so much for having a smile that melts my heart instantly. Thank you so much for having an infectious laugh. Thank you so much for just being you, I love you so much!
Happy Birthday, Baby!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
my little boy isn't so little anymore
last night I was singing to him before bed like I always do. We sing "Hush little baby" but I put his name in instead of saying baby. Well, at the end, he looked at me and said "Mama, I'm not little. I'm big. So don't say I'm little anymore, okay? Will you sing it again and said I'm big?"
So stinkin' cute! He really is growing up and getting bigger. The other day, H said he just can't believe that he is talking in sentences. I can't believe it either. Our baby isn't a baby anymore!
So stinkin' cute! He really is growing up and getting bigger. The other day, H said he just can't believe that he is talking in sentences. I can't believe it either. Our baby isn't a baby anymore!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Three's not really a crowd, right?
07/11/10
I have had a feeling for the last few days that I am pregnant. A really strong feeling. This morning I mustered up the courage to take a test and low and behold, mama's instincts once again prove to be true. BFP! Now, I don't consider this a planned pregnancy, but we weren't really doing much to avoid. I have been charting so I know within a week or two of when I'm ovulating, but our plan was to use condoms during that time. We just aren't so good at it (obviously) and my cycles are a bit irregular (I assume since I am nursing).
So right now, I'm pretty scared. We don't have maternity insurance (H's new job doesn't offer insurance and since I have had a c-section I can't get it privately), H just started a new job this past week and is making less money and is working more hours, and we can't fit 3 carseats in my car so we will also need to get a bigger car.
Plus, we had planned on buying land now to start building a house in a couple of years, but now I feel like we can't afford to put that much money on land when we don't know what is going to happen with this baby.
I've never been pregnant and scared before. I've always wanted to be pregnant when I got pregnant and this time is different. I still love the baby in my uterus. Strange, how 6 hours ago I didn't, but now I do. As scared as I am, I want my baby.
I had also just recently gotten to a point where I was okay with just 2 kids. H didn't want anymore babies and I did, but I had sort of realized how much fun just two could be. I mean we could do fun things with them sooner because M is getting to a point where we can take them both to a park and all play instead of one of us having to sit with the baby. And alone time! We were planning a big trip in January 2012 for our anniversary, but now that will have to be put off another 2-3 years.
And I'm sad for M. She is still a baby. She will be the same age V was when I got pregnant with her when this baby is born. I feel like she is going to be missing out on mama time because she is going to have to share me with 2 kids so soon!
And breastfeeding. I plan to nurse M as long as she wants to nurse, but it makes me sad to think that she may want to stop nursing before she would if I wasn't pregnant. And I remember how much I hated nursing when I was pregnant with her. It made me nauseous and it hurt and I dreaded it. I don't want to feel that again, but I also don't want to stop.
It is crazy the mix of emotions I am feeling in this moment. I'm not going to post this blog for while because we are not quite ready to let the world know that we are expecting #3, but I wanted to get the feelings out while I am feeling them. I plan on updating this post until I am about 12 weeks pregnant and then I will post it. I want to remember these feelings, but I'm just not ready to share them with the world yet.
07/12/10
I keep going back and forth between being happy and sad about being pregnant. I am excited to get to bring another life into this world and watch a child grow. I am thrilled that we get to experience life with another baby. I'm excited to give birth again. I'm scared of the birth.
Our plan for now is to have a homebirth. I haven't talked to the midwives yet, but I want to have my baby at home. I am terrified that if I go to a hospital I will end up with my abdomen sliced open again. I feel confident that my body can birth babies and I feel safe in my home, but I am still scared to death of another c-section.
That is the only thing that scares me about birth. Contractions I can handle. Pushing I can deal with. But a c-section, that I don't know. I have decided though that I am going to enjoy this pregnancy. With V's pregnancy I didn't really get to enjoy it because it was my first and I was scared and nervous and worried the whole time. M's pregnancy I don't feel like I really got to enjoy because I was studying so hard. I was busy reading and learning everything I could about VBAC and normal, natural birth. This pregnancy I want to just be able to enjoy.
07/16/10
And apparently some higher power has different ideas about be enjoying this pregnancy. With both of the kids, I basically had no pregnancy symptoms at all. No nausea, no vomiting, no swelling, nothing. With this baby, I am nauseous all.day.long. It is hard to be a mama to a 3 year old and a 11 month old and feel like barfing all day. It is hard to be a good wife to my husband when I really just want to puke all over him. I know that I will get through this, but I feel like it just adds to the stress of what is probably going to be an already stressful pregnancy.
Still, I want to enjoy this pregnancy. I called 2 birth centers the other day and I am still waiting for the one I want to use to call me back, but the other one is pretty much out of the picture. I talked to one of the midwives over the phone and she said some things that didn't sit well with me so I hope the other midwives work out.
I also think it is amazing how much H has changed his mind about birth in the last 2 years. Today he said that he was talking to a girl at his old work and she is pregnant. He said he told her all about Bradley and cloth diapers and making your own babyfood. I am really proud that he is trying to help women and way impressed that he remembers as much as he does about Bradley! Makes me feel more confident that we won't have a doula this time (unless I keep working on him!)
08/06/10
One of the reasons we have been planning a a homebirth is because H's new job doesn't offer insurance. We were going to get private insurance, but because I have had a c/s, I can't get maternity insurance. I was told though that if I had to have an emergency c/s, that would be covered. Well, we applied and they said that I would not be covered if I needed a c/s, regardless of the reason, and they denied V insurance all together because apparently his medical records say he has some disorder we have never heard of that the old pediatrician said the records say he doesn't have. Whatever, we decided that it was worth nearly 4 times the money to get on the group insurance policy at my dad's shop since I work there a few hours a week. So now we have maternity insurance and H is sort of backing out of the homebirth because a hospital birth would be cheaper.
The thing is, I don't feel SAFE in a hospital. Yup, I feel safer birthing my baby at home than in a hospital. I know that sounds crazy to most, but really, I have done my research, and for me, I feel like home is a better option. H doesn't want to spend the money on it though, which in a lot of ways really hurts me because he is willing to spend crazy money on stuff he wants, but he doesn't want to spend a few grand on a birth for his wife and child? I think what he really wants is an unassisted homebirth. As in me and him and that's it. I am not comfortable with that though. I think, had I never had a c/s, I would be okay with a unassisted birth, but since I have had a c/s I am just not there. Plus, we have had a baby who wasn't healthy at birth and that scares me. As much as a blame the c/s for V's issues at birth, I just don't want to be the only ones here if something happens. I mean what if I start to hemorrhage, what if baby isn't breathing, what if the placenta doesn't all come out? H's answer is to call 911, but then I feel like we would be treated like the scum of the earth by the hospital for being "so irresponsible" in the first place.
I want a midwife. I want a midwife to sit on her bum in the corner and just be there in case we need her. Our appt is Sept 1 and I hope that is what these midwives will be for us.
08/16/2010
I don't want to complain about being pregnant, but good God this nausea sucks! I tried drinking Ginger Ale, but then I looked at the ingredients and the second one is HFCS, which I don't want to put in my body or my baby's body, and I haven't been able to find any that doesn't have that in it so I have just been feeling sick. I did order some ginger candies that should be here this week so I am hoping that those will make me feel better.
I also am thinking that I am about 2 weeks farther along than the u/s said I am. Today, M has been nursing non-stop and I am thinking that it is because my supply is dropping. Last night my nipples started hurting too and I just think it is a little early for that to be happening if I am only 9 weeks.
I was having feelings that this babe is a girl, but now I am leaning more towards boy. I don't know if we are going to find out if we are having a boy or a girl before baby is born, because I am leaving it up to H, but I want to be surprised. Although, it would be a little easier to know so we can get rid of the stuff we know we won't use.
I am getting really excited for our appt in 2 weeks. I want to listen to this babes heartbeat.
08/19/2010
The last 2 days have been so hard. I feel so weak and I can't eat or drink or anything. I don't want to sit or stand or lay or anything. Last night, during dinner which I didn't cook and didn't eat, I just broke down and started crying. I have never felt this bad in my life and I feel like a bad mom for not wanting to play with the kids. I find myself just laying on the couch watching them because I don't have the energy to do anything else. This morning, H called to see how I felt and I just broke down in tears again. I told him if I had to be sick during a pregnancy, I so wish it was the first one so I could just lay in bed all day. Not an option with 2 little ones who need mama for everything. I keep telling myself that every day brings me one day closer to it being over. I'm starting to not believe it though.
08/27/2010
So, I think my massive nausea last week had absolutely nothing to do with being pregnant. I think I was just sick. I am starting to feel better though and I am really excited to meet with the midwives next week. H and I have been talking about what we are going to say to the people who think we are crazy for having a homebirth and we have sort of tossed around the idea of just not telling people at all. Part of me likes that route because we don't have to deal with all the "that is so risky!" "are you sure that is safe?" "What are you going to do if something happens?" We have answers to all those questions, but part of me just doesn't want to deal with it. But I also feel like I shouldn't hide our plans. It is sort of the same thing we dealt with during our VBAC journey. People had the same questions and said the same thing, but we were proud that we were doing something so amazing for our child. We feel like same way about homebirth, but I don't know if I have the energy this time around to fend off the negativity like I did the first time.
I also think it is interesting how much we have changed in the past 4 years. 4 years ago I would have thought someone having a homebirth, especially a HBAC, was crazy. Plain and simple. H didn't even want me to VBAC with M. He wanted to just schedule the c/s at 38 weeks. And look at us now! Crazy how our experiences change us!
09/01/10
We had our first appt with the midwife today and it went well I think. V was at CDO so it was just H, M, and me and we just did the paperwork and she felt my belly, measured my uterus and we listened for a heartbeat. She said it was still a bit early to hear the heartbeat so if we didn't hear it not to panic. She had a hard time finding it, but she assured me she heard it a few times and my arteries sounded good so she wasn't worried. I trust her, but I still think I would feel better if I heard my baby today. I might go back in a couple of weeks to listen again :)
When I was giving the kids a bath tonight, V looked right at me and said "wow, Mama! Your belly is getting really big!" He is totally honest and I realized that I am growing. It is truly amazing to me that there is life inside my body. What a gift. And I'm happy to finally get to post this post cuz it's getting long!
I have had a feeling for the last few days that I am pregnant. A really strong feeling. This morning I mustered up the courage to take a test and low and behold, mama's instincts once again prove to be true. BFP! Now, I don't consider this a planned pregnancy, but we weren't really doing much to avoid. I have been charting so I know within a week or two of when I'm ovulating, but our plan was to use condoms during that time. We just aren't so good at it (obviously) and my cycles are a bit irregular (I assume since I am nursing).
So right now, I'm pretty scared. We don't have maternity insurance (H's new job doesn't offer insurance and since I have had a c-section I can't get it privately), H just started a new job this past week and is making less money and is working more hours, and we can't fit 3 carseats in my car so we will also need to get a bigger car.
Plus, we had planned on buying land now to start building a house in a couple of years, but now I feel like we can't afford to put that much money on land when we don't know what is going to happen with this baby.
I've never been pregnant and scared before. I've always wanted to be pregnant when I got pregnant and this time is different. I still love the baby in my uterus. Strange, how 6 hours ago I didn't, but now I do. As scared as I am, I want my baby.
I had also just recently gotten to a point where I was okay with just 2 kids. H didn't want anymore babies and I did, but I had sort of realized how much fun just two could be. I mean we could do fun things with them sooner because M is getting to a point where we can take them both to a park and all play instead of one of us having to sit with the baby. And alone time! We were planning a big trip in January 2012 for our anniversary, but now that will have to be put off another 2-3 years.
And I'm sad for M. She is still a baby. She will be the same age V was when I got pregnant with her when this baby is born. I feel like she is going to be missing out on mama time because she is going to have to share me with 2 kids so soon!
And breastfeeding. I plan to nurse M as long as she wants to nurse, but it makes me sad to think that she may want to stop nursing before she would if I wasn't pregnant. And I remember how much I hated nursing when I was pregnant with her. It made me nauseous and it hurt and I dreaded it. I don't want to feel that again, but I also don't want to stop.
It is crazy the mix of emotions I am feeling in this moment. I'm not going to post this blog for while because we are not quite ready to let the world know that we are expecting #3, but I wanted to get the feelings out while I am feeling them. I plan on updating this post until I am about 12 weeks pregnant and then I will post it. I want to remember these feelings, but I'm just not ready to share them with the world yet.
07/12/10
I keep going back and forth between being happy and sad about being pregnant. I am excited to get to bring another life into this world and watch a child grow. I am thrilled that we get to experience life with another baby. I'm excited to give birth again. I'm scared of the birth.
Our plan for now is to have a homebirth. I haven't talked to the midwives yet, but I want to have my baby at home. I am terrified that if I go to a hospital I will end up with my abdomen sliced open again. I feel confident that my body can birth babies and I feel safe in my home, but I am still scared to death of another c-section.
That is the only thing that scares me about birth. Contractions I can handle. Pushing I can deal with. But a c-section, that I don't know. I have decided though that I am going to enjoy this pregnancy. With V's pregnancy I didn't really get to enjoy it because it was my first and I was scared and nervous and worried the whole time. M's pregnancy I don't feel like I really got to enjoy because I was studying so hard. I was busy reading and learning everything I could about VBAC and normal, natural birth. This pregnancy I want to just be able to enjoy.
07/16/10
And apparently some higher power has different ideas about be enjoying this pregnancy. With both of the kids, I basically had no pregnancy symptoms at all. No nausea, no vomiting, no swelling, nothing. With this baby, I am nauseous all.day.long. It is hard to be a mama to a 3 year old and a 11 month old and feel like barfing all day. It is hard to be a good wife to my husband when I really just want to puke all over him. I know that I will get through this, but I feel like it just adds to the stress of what is probably going to be an already stressful pregnancy.
Still, I want to enjoy this pregnancy. I called 2 birth centers the other day and I am still waiting for the one I want to use to call me back, but the other one is pretty much out of the picture. I talked to one of the midwives over the phone and she said some things that didn't sit well with me so I hope the other midwives work out.
I also think it is amazing how much H has changed his mind about birth in the last 2 years. Today he said that he was talking to a girl at his old work and she is pregnant. He said he told her all about Bradley and cloth diapers and making your own babyfood. I am really proud that he is trying to help women and way impressed that he remembers as much as he does about Bradley! Makes me feel more confident that we won't have a doula this time (unless I keep working on him!)
08/06/10
One of the reasons we have been planning a a homebirth is because H's new job doesn't offer insurance. We were going to get private insurance, but because I have had a c/s, I can't get maternity insurance. I was told though that if I had to have an emergency c/s, that would be covered. Well, we applied and they said that I would not be covered if I needed a c/s, regardless of the reason, and they denied V insurance all together because apparently his medical records say he has some disorder we have never heard of that the old pediatrician said the records say he doesn't have. Whatever, we decided that it was worth nearly 4 times the money to get on the group insurance policy at my dad's shop since I work there a few hours a week. So now we have maternity insurance and H is sort of backing out of the homebirth because a hospital birth would be cheaper.
The thing is, I don't feel SAFE in a hospital. Yup, I feel safer birthing my baby at home than in a hospital. I know that sounds crazy to most, but really, I have done my research, and for me, I feel like home is a better option. H doesn't want to spend the money on it though, which in a lot of ways really hurts me because he is willing to spend crazy money on stuff he wants, but he doesn't want to spend a few grand on a birth for his wife and child? I think what he really wants is an unassisted homebirth. As in me and him and that's it. I am not comfortable with that though. I think, had I never had a c/s, I would be okay with a unassisted birth, but since I have had a c/s I am just not there. Plus, we have had a baby who wasn't healthy at birth and that scares me. As much as a blame the c/s for V's issues at birth, I just don't want to be the only ones here if something happens. I mean what if I start to hemorrhage, what if baby isn't breathing, what if the placenta doesn't all come out? H's answer is to call 911, but then I feel like we would be treated like the scum of the earth by the hospital for being "so irresponsible" in the first place.
I want a midwife. I want a midwife to sit on her bum in the corner and just be there in case we need her. Our appt is Sept 1 and I hope that is what these midwives will be for us.
08/16/2010
I don't want to complain about being pregnant, but good God this nausea sucks! I tried drinking Ginger Ale, but then I looked at the ingredients and the second one is HFCS, which I don't want to put in my body or my baby's body, and I haven't been able to find any that doesn't have that in it so I have just been feeling sick. I did order some ginger candies that should be here this week so I am hoping that those will make me feel better.
I also am thinking that I am about 2 weeks farther along than the u/s said I am. Today, M has been nursing non-stop and I am thinking that it is because my supply is dropping. Last night my nipples started hurting too and I just think it is a little early for that to be happening if I am only 9 weeks.
I was having feelings that this babe is a girl, but now I am leaning more towards boy. I don't know if we are going to find out if we are having a boy or a girl before baby is born, because I am leaving it up to H, but I want to be surprised. Although, it would be a little easier to know so we can get rid of the stuff we know we won't use.
I am getting really excited for our appt in 2 weeks. I want to listen to this babes heartbeat.
08/19/2010
The last 2 days have been so hard. I feel so weak and I can't eat or drink or anything. I don't want to sit or stand or lay or anything. Last night, during dinner which I didn't cook and didn't eat, I just broke down and started crying. I have never felt this bad in my life and I feel like a bad mom for not wanting to play with the kids. I find myself just laying on the couch watching them because I don't have the energy to do anything else. This morning, H called to see how I felt and I just broke down in tears again. I told him if I had to be sick during a pregnancy, I so wish it was the first one so I could just lay in bed all day. Not an option with 2 little ones who need mama for everything. I keep telling myself that every day brings me one day closer to it being over. I'm starting to not believe it though.
08/27/2010
So, I think my massive nausea last week had absolutely nothing to do with being pregnant. I think I was just sick. I am starting to feel better though and I am really excited to meet with the midwives next week. H and I have been talking about what we are going to say to the people who think we are crazy for having a homebirth and we have sort of tossed around the idea of just not telling people at all. Part of me likes that route because we don't have to deal with all the "that is so risky!" "are you sure that is safe?" "What are you going to do if something happens?" We have answers to all those questions, but part of me just doesn't want to deal with it. But I also feel like I shouldn't hide our plans. It is sort of the same thing we dealt with during our VBAC journey. People had the same questions and said the same thing, but we were proud that we were doing something so amazing for our child. We feel like same way about homebirth, but I don't know if I have the energy this time around to fend off the negativity like I did the first time.
I also think it is interesting how much we have changed in the past 4 years. 4 years ago I would have thought someone having a homebirth, especially a HBAC, was crazy. Plain and simple. H didn't even want me to VBAC with M. He wanted to just schedule the c/s at 38 weeks. And look at us now! Crazy how our experiences change us!
09/01/10
We had our first appt with the midwife today and it went well I think. V was at CDO so it was just H, M, and me and we just did the paperwork and she felt my belly, measured my uterus and we listened for a heartbeat. She said it was still a bit early to hear the heartbeat so if we didn't hear it not to panic. She had a hard time finding it, but she assured me she heard it a few times and my arteries sounded good so she wasn't worried. I trust her, but I still think I would feel better if I heard my baby today. I might go back in a couple of weeks to listen again :)
When I was giving the kids a bath tonight, V looked right at me and said "wow, Mama! Your belly is getting really big!" He is totally honest and I realized that I am growing. It is truly amazing to me that there is life inside my body. What a gift. And I'm happy to finally get to post this post cuz it's getting long!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
the most amazing boy I know
Every.single.day V amazes me. He learns so much each day and I can just see him figuring things out. He is always surprising me with the things he can do. He goes to the bathroom all on his own now. Like everything. He goes, wipes, flushes, washes all on his own. He has been helping wash his hair in the shower and does a really good job. He is sleeping in a big boy bed (he looks so small in that big bed!). He is growing so fast and doing so much and it just amazes me each day.
Every time we have to change something I get scared. I was afraid to stop nursing him but he stopped on his own and never looked back.
I was terrified of potty learning, but one day I told him we weren't wearing diapers anymore and that was that. I could count the number of accidents he had on one hand and even those were when we were on vacation and he fell asleep in the car on the long drive.
Putting him in a bed scared the crap out of me. I was sure he would be up all night playing or roaming through the house, but nope. The first night he stayed in his bed and has since!
I am so proud of him. He is growing up to be such a cool person and I can't believe I get to be his mama.
Every time we have to change something I get scared. I was afraid to stop nursing him but he stopped on his own and never looked back.
I was terrified of potty learning, but one day I told him we weren't wearing diapers anymore and that was that. I could count the number of accidents he had on one hand and even those were when we were on vacation and he fell asleep in the car on the long drive.
Putting him in a bed scared the crap out of me. I was sure he would be up all night playing or roaming through the house, but nope. The first night he stayed in his bed and has since!
I am so proud of him. He is growing up to be such a cool person and I can't believe I get to be his mama.
Friday, July 2, 2010
different strokes for different folks
Before I had kids I often wondered how two people who grew up with the same mom and dad in the same house could be so different. My brother, sister, and I are so different and we have much very different choices in our lives. I have made choices they would not and vice-versa. I never quite understood it, until now.
My kids are so so very different. And I can see how part of it is just their personalities, but part of it is me and how I treat them differently. When V was little, if he cried, I ran to him. I stopped whatever I was doing to mother him. He was the number one most important thing. Then M came along and sometimes V needed me and I couldn't just run to him because I was nursing M or changing her diaper or something. And when she cries, I can't always run to her because sometimes I am giving V a bath or washing his hands or getting him a snack. I think it is because of this that M has much more patience than V ever had.
Plus, things like when V was little and I would cook dinner, I would put him on the kitchen floor and let him play. I would talk to him, but I couldn't play with him. Now, when I am cooking dinner, the kids play together on the kitchen floor (sometimes I feel like I'm cooking in a mine field between trying not to step on a child or a toy). M gets human interaction during a time when V did not.
And then there are things that I think are just innately in them. V is so much like me. He likes things the way he likes them. Everything has a place and he wants it where it belongs. He hates if his hands are dirty. He is stubborn. He is very cautious and doesn't like to try something unless he knows he will succeed. He has my short attention span and he loves books. He has no patience. He is a follower. He will do whatever the older kids do. It is cute, but I hope he realizes before I did that he should just be him and let others take it or leave it.
M is her father. She is a very laid back kid and loves getting dirty. She is stubborn (really the kids sort of have to be stubborn since mama and daddy are both too stubborn for their own good). She has no fear. She has so much patience. She gets loud to get attention. She will play with a toy for so long I get bored with it. There is so much that I can't tell in her yet because she is still little.
I think it is interesting though that even though H and I both love both of our kids, I seem to be more drawn to M and he to V. I think that is because we are drawn to each other so it would make sense that we are drawn to the kid who is like the other one.
My mom used to tell us that she loved us all equally but differently and I never really understood that either until now. I totally get it though. I don't love one kid more than the other (although sometimes I like one more than the other--depends on who is behaving that day ;) ) but I love them differently. I love different things about each kid. They are so different and I love that. I really never realized how much I could love until I met them.
My kids are so so very different. And I can see how part of it is just their personalities, but part of it is me and how I treat them differently. When V was little, if he cried, I ran to him. I stopped whatever I was doing to mother him. He was the number one most important thing. Then M came along and sometimes V needed me and I couldn't just run to him because I was nursing M or changing her diaper or something. And when she cries, I can't always run to her because sometimes I am giving V a bath or washing his hands or getting him a snack. I think it is because of this that M has much more patience than V ever had.
Plus, things like when V was little and I would cook dinner, I would put him on the kitchen floor and let him play. I would talk to him, but I couldn't play with him. Now, when I am cooking dinner, the kids play together on the kitchen floor (sometimes I feel like I'm cooking in a mine field between trying not to step on a child or a toy). M gets human interaction during a time when V did not.
And then there are things that I think are just innately in them. V is so much like me. He likes things the way he likes them. Everything has a place and he wants it where it belongs. He hates if his hands are dirty. He is stubborn. He is very cautious and doesn't like to try something unless he knows he will succeed. He has my short attention span and he loves books. He has no patience. He is a follower. He will do whatever the older kids do. It is cute, but I hope he realizes before I did that he should just be him and let others take it or leave it.
M is her father. She is a very laid back kid and loves getting dirty. She is stubborn (really the kids sort of have to be stubborn since mama and daddy are both too stubborn for their own good). She has no fear. She has so much patience. She gets loud to get attention. She will play with a toy for so long I get bored with it. There is so much that I can't tell in her yet because she is still little.
I think it is interesting though that even though H and I both love both of our kids, I seem to be more drawn to M and he to V. I think that is because we are drawn to each other so it would make sense that we are drawn to the kid who is like the other one.
My mom used to tell us that she loved us all equally but differently and I never really understood that either until now. I totally get it though. I don't love one kid more than the other (although sometimes I like one more than the other--depends on who is behaving that day ;) ) but I love them differently. I love different things about each kid. They are so different and I love that. I really never realized how much I could love until I met them.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
trusting my instincts--M's near death experience!
I have always said that it is so so important to trust your instincts. Especially when it comes to parenting. I do a lot of things differently, but I really just follow my instincts and I am so glad I do.
After leaving a girlfriend's house Friday, I stopped to get gas. The kids and I had errands to run and I had planned on getting some errands run and then getting gas on the way home, but for some reason I decided to pump gas blocks from her house. I got out of the car, and started pumping and then I had a feeling that I needed to check on the kids. Never in my life have I done that while pumping gas, but I opened the back door on V's side (since that is where the gas tank is) and peeked in to see M projectile vomiting. I rushed over to her side and tried to wipe her up and comfort her, but she had this really scared look on her face and looked like she was trying to throw up but nothing was happening. She kept pushing me away, but looking at me with this fear in her eyes. Something told me to look in her mouth and she was choking on a sticker! I pulled it out and after a few minutes she was fine.
It was super scary though, because had not stopped for gas there, had I not opened the door, had I not looked in her mouth, I don't want to think of what could have been. She wasn't making any noise so I wouldn't have heard anything from the front seat. I am so glad that I followed my instincts and always have.
I called my girlfriend to tell her about it afterwards, and she apologized profusely, even though she was only alone with the kids while I was loading up my car. Totally not her fault. I'm thinking one of the boys stuck it on her shirt and she pulled if off, or she found it on the floor, or maybe it was on V's shoe and when he took it off and threw it at her in the car she found it and ate it. I don't know, but I like to think that this is the second time my instincts have saved this kid. She certainly keeps me on my toes!
After leaving a girlfriend's house Friday, I stopped to get gas. The kids and I had errands to run and I had planned on getting some errands run and then getting gas on the way home, but for some reason I decided to pump gas blocks from her house. I got out of the car, and started pumping and then I had a feeling that I needed to check on the kids. Never in my life have I done that while pumping gas, but I opened the back door on V's side (since that is where the gas tank is) and peeked in to see M projectile vomiting. I rushed over to her side and tried to wipe her up and comfort her, but she had this really scared look on her face and looked like she was trying to throw up but nothing was happening. She kept pushing me away, but looking at me with this fear in her eyes. Something told me to look in her mouth and she was choking on a sticker! I pulled it out and after a few minutes she was fine.
It was super scary though, because had not stopped for gas there, had I not opened the door, had I not looked in her mouth, I don't want to think of what could have been. She wasn't making any noise so I wouldn't have heard anything from the front seat. I am so glad that I followed my instincts and always have.
I called my girlfriend to tell her about it afterwards, and she apologized profusely, even though she was only alone with the kids while I was loading up my car. Totally not her fault. I'm thinking one of the boys stuck it on her shirt and she pulled if off, or she found it on the floor, or maybe it was on V's shoe and when he took it off and threw it at her in the car she found it and ate it. I don't know, but I like to think that this is the second time my instincts have saved this kid. She certainly keeps me on my toes!
Friday, June 11, 2010
the love (or lack of love) of a 3 year old
The other day, we were all sitting in the living room and V walked right up to H, gave him a hug and said "I love you, Dada!" I told H to relish that, because V has only once told me he loved me unprovoked. H then asked V if he loved me. "no" he said. H then told him to give me a hug and tell me he loves me. He walked up to me, looked me right in the eyes, and said "I don't love you, Mama." Now, I know, in my head, that he doesn't mean it. I know the kid loves me. When he gets hurt, he wants me. When he is sad, he wants me. When he is tired, he wants me to rock him. The boy loves his mama, but in that moment it hurt my heart and brought tears to my eyes. It hurts to hear your child say he doesn't love you.
It brought me back to my teenage years. I can remember getting into fights with my mom and telling her I hated her. How horrible that must have made her feel! I didn't mean it and I know she knew I didn't mean it, but I can't imagine how that made her feel. I feel so badly for saying that to her now. (note to self: call mom tomorrow and apologize for my teenage years)
It also makes me wonder about V's teenage years. What is our relationship going to be like then? At 3, he has a personality, and a temper. I wonder what he will be like at 5 and 10 and 15. But I also don't want to wish away the present.
Later that night, we were at my parents house and my dad was trying to take V outside and he didn't want to go. He looked at me and said "But I love you now, Mama!" And that night, he told H that he didn't want him to do his "rock rocks," he wanted Mama. So, I guess, at the end of the day, the kid really does love me :)
It brought me back to my teenage years. I can remember getting into fights with my mom and telling her I hated her. How horrible that must have made her feel! I didn't mean it and I know she knew I didn't mean it, but I can't imagine how that made her feel. I feel so badly for saying that to her now. (note to self: call mom tomorrow and apologize for my teenage years)
It also makes me wonder about V's teenage years. What is our relationship going to be like then? At 3, he has a personality, and a temper. I wonder what he will be like at 5 and 10 and 15. But I also don't want to wish away the present.
Later that night, we were at my parents house and my dad was trying to take V outside and he didn't want to go. He looked at me and said "But I love you now, Mama!" And that night, he told H that he didn't want him to do his "rock rocks," he wanted Mama. So, I guess, at the end of the day, the kid really does love me :)
Friday, May 21, 2010
grocery shopping with kids
usually I go grocery shopping alone. All alone. It is sort of like what a day at the spa would be 3 years ago. I don't particularly enjoy grocery shopping, but I really don't like it with 2 kids in tow. M is pretty easy to keep entertained, but V is a whole other story. He is so active and just wants to run and make a mess. Taking him to the store is a lot of work. A whole lot of work.
The other day though I read something I decided to try. I made my grocery list and then found pictures of the things we were buying. I cut them out and make V his own grocery list with the pictures. I talked up the trip and how much fun it would be since he was doing the shopping. We got him his own little cart and I gave him his list and it was FABULOUS! He loved finding the things we needed and putting them in the cart. He had so much fun putting his groceries on the conveyor belt thing and I even gave him money to pay for the food. He was entertained and it was a learning experience for him. Definitely something we will do again!
The other day though I read something I decided to try. I made my grocery list and then found pictures of the things we were buying. I cut them out and make V his own grocery list with the pictures. I talked up the trip and how much fun it would be since he was doing the shopping. We got him his own little cart and I gave him his list and it was FABULOUS! He loved finding the things we needed and putting them in the cart. He had so much fun putting his groceries on the conveyor belt thing and I even gave him money to pay for the food. He was entertained and it was a learning experience for him. Definitely something we will do again!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
let them eat cake!
what a weekend of celebrations! Saturday, my baby sister graduated from college (which makes me feel incredibly old) and it was my birthday (which also makes me feel incredibly old). Today is V's birthday and we went to a friends birthday party. What a busy and fun-filled weekend!
I am now the mama of a THREE year old and I am *hoping* that is the end of the terrible twos although I am doubtful. He is such a handful lately, but so much fun too. He speaks his mind and really knows what he wants which is so fun and so much more work. This morning, he pulled a barstool up to M's high chair and they shared Cheerios. It was the cutest thing ever. He would hold them out to her and she took them and ate them and then he would have one. I just loved it! He then told me he wanted her head off and proceeded to try to take of off of her neck. I had to tell him to leave his sister's head on her body. There's a sentence I never thought I would say!
I love seeing him learn and grow. He is so inventive in his playing and it just amazes me how smart he is. Sometimes I can't believe that he is the same kid with all the "delays".
I look back over the last three years and can't believe how far we have come. I mean three years and one day ago I didn't know if I was having a son or a daughter. I didn't know how much I could really love someone. I didn't know how much happiness a little person could bring to me. All the things I didn't know.
I feel so blessed to get to be his mama and I look forward to celebrating many more birthdays with him. Happy birthday, Baby! I love you!
I am now the mama of a THREE year old and I am *hoping* that is the end of the terrible twos although I am doubtful. He is such a handful lately, but so much fun too. He speaks his mind and really knows what he wants which is so fun and so much more work. This morning, he pulled a barstool up to M's high chair and they shared Cheerios. It was the cutest thing ever. He would hold them out to her and she took them and ate them and then he would have one. I just loved it! He then told me he wanted her head off and proceeded to try to take of off of her neck. I had to tell him to leave his sister's head on her body. There's a sentence I never thought I would say!
I love seeing him learn and grow. He is so inventive in his playing and it just amazes me how smart he is. Sometimes I can't believe that he is the same kid with all the "delays".
I look back over the last three years and can't believe how far we have come. I mean three years and one day ago I didn't know if I was having a son or a daughter. I didn't know how much I could really love someone. I didn't know how much happiness a little person could bring to me. All the things I didn't know.
I feel so blessed to get to be his mama and I look forward to celebrating many more birthdays with him. Happy birthday, Baby! I love you!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
the things that come out of my kids mouth...
are really really funny most of the time. I think I am going to update this post with the things he says that I know I will want to remember. Some of the funniest things I'm sure I have already forgotten...
The other night he was giving M hugs and kisses and said "I love you, Brother." We explained to him that he is her brother and she is his sister. Then he laid down next to her and said "I'm your sister." Totally cute!
I asked him why M was crying the other day. "M's dada ran away and she's sad."
"OH NO! Dada put a handle on the door!" He was devastated when he realized I can now lock the bedroom door :)
He woke up in the middle of the night and when I went in to him, he told me he hurt. I asked him where and he pointed to his hip. I thought he must have just had a cramp or something so I told him to lay back down and go to sleep. He then said "take my hurt with you, mama"
While eating muffins I hear "is there penis in my muffins mama?" "what?" "is there penis in my muffins, mama? Cuz I don't like penis." That is when I realized he was saying peanuts.
H was putting him to bed and he went to pinch H's cheeks. My dad does this to my kids and says "spokachonie" which drives every one nuts. We told V that he can only do that to Papa. So he when H told him he can only do that to Papa, he said "When you're a papa I can do it to you?"
When he was about 18 months old, we were at Walgreens and a very busty woman walked in wearing a very low cut shirt. My son looked at her, looked at me, and then shouted "BOOBIES!" The woman didn't hear, but the cashier did.
I will keep adding to this post as he keeps talking. He usually says at least one "blog worthy thing a day" :) AND, if I have told you something funny he said that I forgot, please let me know so I can add it :)
05/05/10
"I can give Baby boobies if I want to!"---I asked V to pick up his toys and he said he had to "give Baby boobies first". H said that he couldn't because he was a boy. V said "so?" and H told him that boys don't have anything. Then he said he could if he wanted to :)
we went out to breakfast and after we had eaten, he said he needed to go to the restroom. As we start walking that way, he says, very loudly "I'm gonna go make pee pees real quick, then I'm coming right back!" He repeated it several times on the way to the bathroom. On the way out, he repeated "what the hell!" I was only slightly embarrased :)
05/09/10
"that's why it's important to be careful, Mama"--after I accidentally knocked his cup while he was drinking. He said water went in his nose :)
"Maybe I'm not little anymore, right Mama?"
05/17/10
In the bathroom at a restaurant he told me that Dada could go in the stall next to us. I told him that Dada would probably need to go to the boys bathroom. He then said "Where am I makin' pee pees, Mama?" I told him we were in the girls bathroom and he looked around and asked where it said that. I told him I would show him when we left. Then he said "Oh. And I'll see it says for big boys too, right?"
"Hold me, Mama. 'Cuz I don't feel good."
08/2010
"If you screw her I will bang you"--V telling H about screwdrivers and hammers
"I hafta get dirty before I get old and big, like Daddy"
"I need these underwear in my pocket incase the other ones get dirty at the park."
The other night he was giving M hugs and kisses and said "I love you, Brother." We explained to him that he is her brother and she is his sister. Then he laid down next to her and said "I'm your sister." Totally cute!
I asked him why M was crying the other day. "M's dada ran away and she's sad."
"OH NO! Dada put a handle on the door!" He was devastated when he realized I can now lock the bedroom door :)
He woke up in the middle of the night and when I went in to him, he told me he hurt. I asked him where and he pointed to his hip. I thought he must have just had a cramp or something so I told him to lay back down and go to sleep. He then said "take my hurt with you, mama"
While eating muffins I hear "is there penis in my muffins mama?" "what?" "is there penis in my muffins, mama? Cuz I don't like penis." That is when I realized he was saying peanuts.
H was putting him to bed and he went to pinch H's cheeks. My dad does this to my kids and says "spokachonie" which drives every one nuts. We told V that he can only do that to Papa. So he when H told him he can only do that to Papa, he said "When you're a papa I can do it to you?"
When he was about 18 months old, we were at Walgreens and a very busty woman walked in wearing a very low cut shirt. My son looked at her, looked at me, and then shouted "BOOBIES!" The woman didn't hear, but the cashier did.
I will keep adding to this post as he keeps talking. He usually says at least one "blog worthy thing a day" :) AND, if I have told you something funny he said that I forgot, please let me know so I can add it :)
05/05/10
"I can give Baby boobies if I want to!"---I asked V to pick up his toys and he said he had to "give Baby boobies first". H said that he couldn't because he was a boy. V said "so?" and H told him that boys don't have anything. Then he said he could if he wanted to :)
we went out to breakfast and after we had eaten, he said he needed to go to the restroom. As we start walking that way, he says, very loudly "I'm gonna go make pee pees real quick, then I'm coming right back!" He repeated it several times on the way to the bathroom. On the way out, he repeated "what the hell!" I was only slightly embarrased :)
05/09/10
"that's why it's important to be careful, Mama"--after I accidentally knocked his cup while he was drinking. He said water went in his nose :)
"Maybe I'm not little anymore, right Mama?"
05/17/10
In the bathroom at a restaurant he told me that Dada could go in the stall next to us. I told him that Dada would probably need to go to the boys bathroom. He then said "Where am I makin' pee pees, Mama?" I told him we were in the girls bathroom and he looked around and asked where it said that. I told him I would show him when we left. Then he said "Oh. And I'll see it says for big boys too, right?"
"Hold me, Mama. 'Cuz I don't feel good."
08/2010
"If you screw her I will bang you"--V telling H about screwdrivers and hammers
"I hafta get dirty before I get old and big, like Daddy"
"I need these underwear in my pocket incase the other ones get dirty at the park."
Saturday, April 10, 2010
50 things
so a few of my friends blogged about their kids. 50 things about them and I liked the idea so I am totally jacking it (thanks Tavia, Cati, and Brittney!)
50 things about V
1. He has to give everyone a hug and a kiss each night before bed. Sometimes we all get more than one hug and kiss. I love it.
2. He sleeps with a Thunder basketball and every stuffed animal he can find. He calls them his friends.
3. We read, rock, and sing Hush Little Baby every night before bed.
4. “But I waaaaaant yoooouuu.” is his favorite thing to say
5. He loves “Spiderman Bars” which are fruit snacks. Especially “Lightening McQueen Spiderman Bars”
6. He uses the potty by himself now, but he still wears a diaper to bed because we got tired of changing sheets. He has only woken up dry once. He wears underwear for naps though and does fine.
7. He weighs 25 lbs and is getting so tall.
8. He loves to parent M and tell her what she can and can’t do
9. He asks me every day if I did my “dance video” or my “workout video.” If I didn’t he says I should do it and he will watch and eat a Spiderman Bar
10. He loves going to the park
11. He calls magnets maggots and pretzels prentsels
12. He has friends that he calls by name and asks to play with them
13. He remembers everything
14. And he repeats everything
15. He likes to throw things and hit
16. He melts down each time he gets sent to time-out
17. He climbs on anything and everything
18. He likes to help Dada fix things
19. He calls H and me by our first names most of the time, even though he knows we don’t like it
20. He loves Cars, Spiderman, Robots, and Mickey Mouse
21. He can count to 11 by himself and then starts over again with 8 so it goes something like 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-8-9-10-11-8-9-10-11
22. If you prompt him with 12 after 11, he can count to 20
23. He sometimes says eleven-teen
24. The first thing he asks for each morning is M. He wants to know if she is awake or still sleeping
25. He likes to eat “the ones with the faces on it” which are Frosted Mini Wheats for breakfast
26. He doesn’t sit in a high chair in a restaurant anymore
27. But he still sits rearfacing in his carseat
28. Sometimes, he asks me to take him out of the car in his carseat like I do M
29. He takes his shoes off every.single.time we get in the car
30. He likes to pick out his own clothes and usually matches
31. He likes to wear his sandals
32. He likes his underwear on backwards so he can see the cars
33. He often says “I’m just gonna play for a few minutes first”
34. He loves triangles
35. and the colors green and orange
36. He knows his colors
37. and can identify some letters
38. He recognizes his written name
39. He likes to talk on the phone to Daddy, Mimi, and Auntie
40. If I am cooking, he asks me what I am making for him
41. He gets upset if Dada puts his toys away in the wrong place
42. He loves to play guitar and drums
43. He says Kevin Durant and Rumble are his friends
44. He hides in his tent when he gets scared
45. He says “noooo! I don’t” when he gets into trouble
46. He likes to clean
47. and he likes coupons
48. He likes to “hold sumfin” when we go to the store
49. He loves when I let him pay
50. He loves the Dallas Stars and the Thunder
50 things about M
1. She laughs when I tickle her on her upper back
2. She loves to chew on her toes
3. She always sticks her hands in her poop when I change her diaper
4. V is probably her favorite person (after me, but, only when she is hungry)
5. She has eaten avocado, banana, and squash and likes all three
6. She has 2 bottom teeth
7. She loves to snuggle
8. She play peek-a-boo by herself and always laughs out loud
9. She doesn’t like it when I put bows in her hair
10. But she has no problem with hats
11. She likes to pull her socks off
12. She sits in a high chair even though she doesn’t eat
13. She loves to throw stuff on the floor for us to pick up
14. Everything goes in her mouth
15. She loves to play with paper
16. She really wants to crawl and has almost figured it out
17. She loves to bounce
18. She hates her carseat
19. She weighs 16 lbs
20. She says “dada” and “baba” which mean nothing, but she repeats it all the time
21. She rubs her eyes when she is tired
22. She always wakes up happy
23. She loves getting a bath until she has to get washed, so really she just likes playing in the water
24. She doesn’t like to be put up in the air
25. She loves to be held. All.the.time.
26. She has started drinking water out of a cup
27. She likes to suck on her “sucky”
28. She likes to bang
29. She loves to read and be read to
30. I can usually make her smile just by smiling at her
31. She doesn’t like wearing pants
32. She can get from sitting to her belly all by herself
33. She loves to play with nesting cups
34. She nurses all through the night
35. She hates if someone else covers her face, but she likes to do it to herself
36. She doesn’t like it if she can’t see me
37. She thinks people in masks are funny
38. She gets excited when Dada comes home from work
39. She gets excited when we pick Brother up from school
40. She likes to watch other kids
41. She loves to give kisses
42. She has started biting and thinks its funny
43. She likes having lotion put on
44. She likes to chew on her rubber duckie
45. She doesn’t like to nap
46. She likes when I take her to library by herself
47. But she loves going with Brother too
48. She doesn’t like to watch me cook
49. She sleeps with one leg over the blanket and one leg under
50. She loves when V blows raspberries on her belly
50 things about V
1. He has to give everyone a hug and a kiss each night before bed. Sometimes we all get more than one hug and kiss. I love it.
2. He sleeps with a Thunder basketball and every stuffed animal he can find. He calls them his friends.
3. We read, rock, and sing Hush Little Baby every night before bed.
4. “But I waaaaaant yoooouuu.” is his favorite thing to say
5. He loves “Spiderman Bars” which are fruit snacks. Especially “Lightening McQueen Spiderman Bars”
6. He uses the potty by himself now, but he still wears a diaper to bed because we got tired of changing sheets. He has only woken up dry once. He wears underwear for naps though and does fine.
7. He weighs 25 lbs and is getting so tall.
8. He loves to parent M and tell her what she can and can’t do
9. He asks me every day if I did my “dance video” or my “workout video.” If I didn’t he says I should do it and he will watch and eat a Spiderman Bar
10. He loves going to the park
11. He calls magnets maggots and pretzels prentsels
12. He has friends that he calls by name and asks to play with them
13. He remembers everything
14. And he repeats everything
15. He likes to throw things and hit
16. He melts down each time he gets sent to time-out
17. He climbs on anything and everything
18. He likes to help Dada fix things
19. He calls H and me by our first names most of the time, even though he knows we don’t like it
20. He loves Cars, Spiderman, Robots, and Mickey Mouse
21. He can count to 11 by himself and then starts over again with 8 so it goes something like 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-8-9-10-11-8-9-10-11
22. If you prompt him with 12 after 11, he can count to 20
23. He sometimes says eleven-teen
24. The first thing he asks for each morning is M. He wants to know if she is awake or still sleeping
25. He likes to eat “the ones with the faces on it” which are Frosted Mini Wheats for breakfast
26. He doesn’t sit in a high chair in a restaurant anymore
27. But he still sits rearfacing in his carseat
28. Sometimes, he asks me to take him out of the car in his carseat like I do M
29. He takes his shoes off every.single.time we get in the car
30. He likes to pick out his own clothes and usually matches
31. He likes to wear his sandals
32. He likes his underwear on backwards so he can see the cars
33. He often says “I’m just gonna play for a few minutes first”
34. He loves triangles
35. and the colors green and orange
36. He knows his colors
37. and can identify some letters
38. He recognizes his written name
39. He likes to talk on the phone to Daddy, Mimi, and Auntie
40. If I am cooking, he asks me what I am making for him
41. He gets upset if Dada puts his toys away in the wrong place
42. He loves to play guitar and drums
43. He says Kevin Durant and Rumble are his friends
44. He hides in his tent when he gets scared
45. He says “noooo! I don’t” when he gets into trouble
46. He likes to clean
47. and he likes coupons
48. He likes to “hold sumfin” when we go to the store
49. He loves when I let him pay
50. He loves the Dallas Stars and the Thunder
50 things about M
1. She laughs when I tickle her on her upper back
2. She loves to chew on her toes
3. She always sticks her hands in her poop when I change her diaper
4. V is probably her favorite person (after me, but, only when she is hungry)
5. She has eaten avocado, banana, and squash and likes all three
6. She has 2 bottom teeth
7. She loves to snuggle
8. She play peek-a-boo by herself and always laughs out loud
9. She doesn’t like it when I put bows in her hair
10. But she has no problem with hats
11. She likes to pull her socks off
12. She sits in a high chair even though she doesn’t eat
13. She loves to throw stuff on the floor for us to pick up
14. Everything goes in her mouth
15. She loves to play with paper
16. She really wants to crawl and has almost figured it out
17. She loves to bounce
18. She hates her carseat
19. She weighs 16 lbs
20. She says “dada” and “baba” which mean nothing, but she repeats it all the time
21. She rubs her eyes when she is tired
22. She always wakes up happy
23. She loves getting a bath until she has to get washed, so really she just likes playing in the water
24. She doesn’t like to be put up in the air
25. She loves to be held. All.the.time.
26. She has started drinking water out of a cup
27. She likes to suck on her “sucky”
28. She likes to bang
29. She loves to read and be read to
30. I can usually make her smile just by smiling at her
31. She doesn’t like wearing pants
32. She can get from sitting to her belly all by herself
33. She loves to play with nesting cups
34. She nurses all through the night
35. She hates if someone else covers her face, but she likes to do it to herself
36. She doesn’t like it if she can’t see me
37. She thinks people in masks are funny
38. She gets excited when Dada comes home from work
39. She gets excited when we pick Brother up from school
40. She likes to watch other kids
41. She loves to give kisses
42. She has started biting and thinks its funny
43. She likes having lotion put on
44. She likes to chew on her rubber duckie
45. She doesn’t like to nap
46. She likes when I take her to library by herself
47. But she loves going with Brother too
48. She doesn’t like to watch me cook
49. She sleeps with one leg over the blanket and one leg under
50. She loves when V blows raspberries on her belly
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Dating again...
my husband that is! Since we have had M, our dating life has been pretty non-existent. We have date nights at home every so often, but it is hard to relax and enjoy when there are 6 laundry baskets full of clothes waiting to be folded staring me in the face or a sink full of dishes to be done or sticky floors needing to be mopped. I have to get out of the house. We have gone out a few times without V, but since I loathe the pump, M comes with and we haven't been out totally alone in a long while.
Well, last night we went to a basketball game together. Alone together. It was fabulous! We went out to dinner before the game and as we ordered drinks, we realized that it has been nearly 4 years since we have had a drink together! FOUR YEARS, people!!! Needless to say, we enjoyed our beers together and the adult conversation. No noses to wipe, no mouths to feed, to questions to answer 75 times. FABULOUS I tell you!
It is so nice to be able to date my husband. Sometimes I think I forget how to be his wife because I am so busy being the mother to his babies. It was great to remember! We have another date planned for Saturday night and I am excited. I don't know what we are going to do, but I am giddy about it. Like when we first started dating giddy. It's sad, really, but not at the same time.
We have fallen into a "marriage rut" before, and I find that when we are in these ruts, we fight more and are just not as happy. I think it is so important to remember why we fell in love and got married and dating helps us do that.
I married an amazing man and I sometimes forget that. We have been together over 9 years and sometimes we just get to used to each other that we forget why we are together. I get so used to him working hard and taking care of us that I don't realize how hard he is working. I need to remember to thank him more often and let him know how much I appreciate him. I find that that keeps us out of our ruts a bit.
Now, though, there is a mess on the desk that I must get picked up while H works on cleaning out the garage so I can park my car in it again. The work must be done so I can relax on Saturday :)
Well, last night we went to a basketball game together. Alone together. It was fabulous! We went out to dinner before the game and as we ordered drinks, we realized that it has been nearly 4 years since we have had a drink together! FOUR YEARS, people!!! Needless to say, we enjoyed our beers together and the adult conversation. No noses to wipe, no mouths to feed, to questions to answer 75 times. FABULOUS I tell you!
It is so nice to be able to date my husband. Sometimes I think I forget how to be his wife because I am so busy being the mother to his babies. It was great to remember! We have another date planned for Saturday night and I am excited. I don't know what we are going to do, but I am giddy about it. Like when we first started dating giddy. It's sad, really, but not at the same time.
We have fallen into a "marriage rut" before, and I find that when we are in these ruts, we fight more and are just not as happy. I think it is so important to remember why we fell in love and got married and dating helps us do that.
I married an amazing man and I sometimes forget that. We have been together over 9 years and sometimes we just get to used to each other that we forget why we are together. I get so used to him working hard and taking care of us that I don't realize how hard he is working. I need to remember to thank him more often and let him know how much I appreciate him. I find that that keeps us out of our ruts a bit.
Now, though, there is a mess on the desk that I must get picked up while H works on cleaning out the garage so I can park my car in it again. The work must be done so I can relax on Saturday :)
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Selective Memory
We had a VERY busy day today. My mom came over this morning and we took the kids to the big consignment sale. V, of course wanted to touch everything and move everything and pretty much get into all sorts of trouble. M just wanted to be held the whole time so I stuck her in the sling and called it good. When I was about halfway done (I found ONE shirt for V, but more than enough stuff for M to make up for what I didn't spend on V), I saw a friend of mine who sells slings/wraps/etc. She had a mei tai that she let me use while I was walking around because my sling gets uncomfortable after a while. I was in heaven. I was able to shop, nurse, sort, all while M was happy and I had my hands. FABULOUS! I promptly ordered one :)
After the sale, we came home for a quick lunch and then the kids and I were off to a birthday party. At the party, V was of course a handful again and then we came home for dinner. H has been helping a friend remodel his bathroom so I had the kids alone today and for dinner and bed. I got V fed, both kids changed, and got V in bed. M wouldn't sleep and then as soon as I got her down, V was up. It has been a long day.
All that to say though, that selective memory is the reason that in 5, 10, 15, years, I will miss having an infant and a toddler. I won't remember the hectic days or the sleepless nights. Instead, I will remember seeing the joy on V's face as he realized he got himself dress all by himself (he really did too! I was impressed). I will remember how sweet M looked when she looked up at me while she was nursing. I will remember the good parts and forget the bad.
Selective memory also comes into play with birth (come on, you didn't really think I could do a blog without mentioning something birth related, did you?)
Today I saw the videos of my labor for the first time(one of my doulas was at the party and she gave them to me--she had told me that she didn't want to give them to me right away because they are pretty negative. I knew that when we first got to the hospital, it was not a fun time, but this is also where selective memory comes into play). I wish I had video of my labor at home to compare, but all I have is my memory of it.
When I was young, I often heard women say if they remembered how much pregnancy and labor sucked, no one would have more than one child. I feel like pregnancy and labor were amazing though. I often say that I don't so much want another baby right now (M is still little, you know) but I want to be pregnant and give birth again. Now, this I don't think I can blame on selective memory. Even during my pregnancy and labor, I remember saying how much I enjoyed it. To me, pregnancy and labor were a gift that not everyone gets to experience. I felt blessed to be able to do it.
Back to the videos of labor at the hospital though. So much I don't remember. When we first got there, there was a bustle. That I remember, but I don't remember the details. The video does though. I told them I didn't want an IV and the nurse told me to rollover and when I said I can't (I am pretty sure I was in the middle of a contraction), she said "well, we're going to have to. We have to get you ready." Umm, I am pretty sure millions and millions of women gave birth without an IV AND without laying on their backs. Just sayin'.
I asked again if we could just not do all this and they just went on with their jobs like I didn't even exist (except of course to poke and prod). Then my midwife lifts my leg (I was laying on my side on the bed) and starts doing something to me (I don't remember this happening and there is a nurse in the way so I can't see it on the video). I asked what she was doing and she ignored me. I again said (not as nicely) I want to know what you are doing. She again ignored me and told me if I just push my baby out and I'd be done. Then she told me to start pushing. I said that I didn't feel the urge anymore and I wanted to wait until I felt the urge and had a contraction (I think my labor really slowed when I got to the hospital because of all the stress--I think if we had stayed at home I would have had her much much sooner). She told me just to push. I then had a contraction and screamed at her to move her hand TWICE (which leads me to believe she didn't move it the first time). She kept telling me to push and I kept telling her I didn't want to because the urge to push was gone (I do remember saying that I didn't have the urge to push once we got to the hospital even though I did in the whole car ride there).
Once I wanted to push again, I tried pushing on my side, the I got on all fours and I was pushing and chanting that I couldn't do it. Maybe this was transition and not what I had been thinking was transition (at home right before we left). I don't know. It could have just been my fear that I would make it to pushing and then end up sliced open again. Anyway, H told me that I could do it and I was doing it. He was so amazing during my labor, telling me I was doing a good job. I really didn't give him enough credit when I was pregnant.
A funny part (funny now, probably not then) is that while I was pushing I said it hurts (that was also something I remember repeating a lot during labor although I don't remember it hurting. Maybe I just like saying it, or maybe that is selective memory again?) and H said "I'm sure that is normal." Such a man thing to say, but super cute!
After pushing on all fours for a bit I think I said I wanted to squat, or maybe the midwife asked (it is hard to hear on the video), but I moved to the floor to squat. I think the said they couldn't use the paper I had crawled over to get to the floor because it wasn't sterile anymore. I thought that I pretty funny too. At this point I also ripped my shirt off saying I was got so I was totally nude. Very unlike me!
While I was squatting I asked the nurse to get the monitor off my belly because it was very distracting. The midwife also asked me to reach down and feel my baby's head which I totally don't remember happening either.
I also didn't remember how amazing my doulas were. I mean I know I couldn't have done it without them, but I didn't realize all they did for me. They kept cool cloths on my neck, fanned me, held my hands while I was pushing, they were amazing. Honestly, truly, amazing. Every women should have a doula. They truly are worth their weight in gold plus some!
And H. He is my rock. Really, he is. I just wanted him to touch me. He made me feel safe. He told me over and over that I was doing a good job and that I could do it, even though I don't remember him talking at all. To me, the room was silent. I was in my own world in that moment, but I really appreciate the support I received from him. He is my hero.
So, selective memory: I don't remember all of that. Even watching the videos, I don't remember a lot of it happening. It is crazy.
It also makes me wonder if I have made myself only remember the negatives about V's birth. Like, maybe it was so far from what I wanted, what I envisioned, that I don't want to remember the good. I will never know.
It is really pretty interesting to me. I am thankful for selective memory though because I still remember M's birth in a positive light.
And I am glad that in 5 years, I won't remember V waking up 3 times tonight just because he "wants me". Or maybe I will remember that he wanted me, but not the waking up :)
After the sale, we came home for a quick lunch and then the kids and I were off to a birthday party. At the party, V was of course a handful again and then we came home for dinner. H has been helping a friend remodel his bathroom so I had the kids alone today and for dinner and bed. I got V fed, both kids changed, and got V in bed. M wouldn't sleep and then as soon as I got her down, V was up. It has been a long day.
All that to say though, that selective memory is the reason that in 5, 10, 15, years, I will miss having an infant and a toddler. I won't remember the hectic days or the sleepless nights. Instead, I will remember seeing the joy on V's face as he realized he got himself dress all by himself (he really did too! I was impressed). I will remember how sweet M looked when she looked up at me while she was nursing. I will remember the good parts and forget the bad.
Selective memory also comes into play with birth (come on, you didn't really think I could do a blog without mentioning something birth related, did you?)
Today I saw the videos of my labor for the first time(one of my doulas was at the party and she gave them to me--she had told me that she didn't want to give them to me right away because they are pretty negative. I knew that when we first got to the hospital, it was not a fun time, but this is also where selective memory comes into play). I wish I had video of my labor at home to compare, but all I have is my memory of it.
When I was young, I often heard women say if they remembered how much pregnancy and labor sucked, no one would have more than one child. I feel like pregnancy and labor were amazing though. I often say that I don't so much want another baby right now (M is still little, you know) but I want to be pregnant and give birth again. Now, this I don't think I can blame on selective memory. Even during my pregnancy and labor, I remember saying how much I enjoyed it. To me, pregnancy and labor were a gift that not everyone gets to experience. I felt blessed to be able to do it.
Back to the videos of labor at the hospital though. So much I don't remember. When we first got there, there was a bustle. That I remember, but I don't remember the details. The video does though. I told them I didn't want an IV and the nurse told me to rollover and when I said I can't (I am pretty sure I was in the middle of a contraction), she said "well, we're going to have to. We have to get you ready." Umm, I am pretty sure millions and millions of women gave birth without an IV AND without laying on their backs. Just sayin'.
I asked again if we could just not do all this and they just went on with their jobs like I didn't even exist (except of course to poke and prod). Then my midwife lifts my leg (I was laying on my side on the bed) and starts doing something to me (I don't remember this happening and there is a nurse in the way so I can't see it on the video). I asked what she was doing and she ignored me. I again said (not as nicely) I want to know what you are doing. She again ignored me and told me if I just push my baby out and I'd be done. Then she told me to start pushing. I said that I didn't feel the urge anymore and I wanted to wait until I felt the urge and had a contraction (I think my labor really slowed when I got to the hospital because of all the stress--I think if we had stayed at home I would have had her much much sooner). She told me just to push. I then had a contraction and screamed at her to move her hand TWICE (which leads me to believe she didn't move it the first time). She kept telling me to push and I kept telling her I didn't want to because the urge to push was gone (I do remember saying that I didn't have the urge to push once we got to the hospital even though I did in the whole car ride there).
Once I wanted to push again, I tried pushing on my side, the I got on all fours and I was pushing and chanting that I couldn't do it. Maybe this was transition and not what I had been thinking was transition (at home right before we left). I don't know. It could have just been my fear that I would make it to pushing and then end up sliced open again. Anyway, H told me that I could do it and I was doing it. He was so amazing during my labor, telling me I was doing a good job. I really didn't give him enough credit when I was pregnant.
A funny part (funny now, probably not then) is that while I was pushing I said it hurts (that was also something I remember repeating a lot during labor although I don't remember it hurting. Maybe I just like saying it, or maybe that is selective memory again?) and H said "I'm sure that is normal." Such a man thing to say, but super cute!
After pushing on all fours for a bit I think I said I wanted to squat, or maybe the midwife asked (it is hard to hear on the video), but I moved to the floor to squat. I think the said they couldn't use the paper I had crawled over to get to the floor because it wasn't sterile anymore. I thought that I pretty funny too. At this point I also ripped my shirt off saying I was got so I was totally nude. Very unlike me!
While I was squatting I asked the nurse to get the monitor off my belly because it was very distracting. The midwife also asked me to reach down and feel my baby's head which I totally don't remember happening either.
I also didn't remember how amazing my doulas were. I mean I know I couldn't have done it without them, but I didn't realize all they did for me. They kept cool cloths on my neck, fanned me, held my hands while I was pushing, they were amazing. Honestly, truly, amazing. Every women should have a doula. They truly are worth their weight in gold plus some!
And H. He is my rock. Really, he is. I just wanted him to touch me. He made me feel safe. He told me over and over that I was doing a good job and that I could do it, even though I don't remember him talking at all. To me, the room was silent. I was in my own world in that moment, but I really appreciate the support I received from him. He is my hero.
So, selective memory: I don't remember all of that. Even watching the videos, I don't remember a lot of it happening. It is crazy.
It also makes me wonder if I have made myself only remember the negatives about V's birth. Like, maybe it was so far from what I wanted, what I envisioned, that I don't want to remember the good. I will never know.
It is really pretty interesting to me. I am thankful for selective memory though because I still remember M's birth in a positive light.
And I am glad that in 5 years, I won't remember V waking up 3 times tonight just because he "wants me". Or maybe I will remember that he wanted me, but not the waking up :)
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Making Dave Proud
First, I think I mentioned in an earlier post that H and I started Dave Ramsey's plan in July 2006. In December 2008, I wrote the last debt check, bringing our total debt paid off to $70,488.46 (yea, we had a LOT of stupid tax). We fully funded our emergency fund over the next 6 months and I felt like we were finally in a good place financially.
Over the past few months, H has been mentioning getting a new car. He said he is older now and too old to drive the "race car" we bought 5 years ago. I told him we are not buying another car unless we pay cash for it. So save save save we did for a new car.
Now, obviously, we haven't had a car payment in quite a while, but we have never paid cash for a car. Not a real car anyway. We did have a couple of POS cars we paid cash for, but they were 2k or under so I don't really count those.
Tonight, I wrote a check and paid cash for a car. As I was writing out the check I thought about Dave Ramsey. I thought about how hard we worked (each of us worked THREE jobs when I was pregnant with V and after he was born even--I am blessed to have been able to work for my dad and bring my baby to work with me) and how good it felt to know that H wanted something and we saved for it and paid for it. Delayed gratification. What a grown-up thing.
So, H didn't get to drive his new-to-him cherry red Mustang home tonight (I will bring his old car in Saturday and pick-up the 'stang--maybe it will even be nice out and I can ride with the top down!), but I think he is still pretty proud. We went in with a number in mind, ready to walk if they wouldn't meet it (plus I hadn't transferred any more cash than we were willing to spend into our checking account, so that helped), and we walked out, owners of a new (to-us) car.
The most fun part of the deal for H...our salesperson was J.T. Thatcher. Now, I will admit I had (okay fine, I still pretty much have) no clue who J.T. Tatcher is, but H thought it was pretty cool. And he gave V an autographed picture so he thought that was pretty cool too.
The most fun part for me...the manger said when our kidlets are in school I should get a job there because I am a good negotiator. Straight to the point. I'd like to thank Dave Ramsey for that. Although I didn't walk in with a suitcase of cash, I'd still like to think that I made Dave proud :)
Over the past few months, H has been mentioning getting a new car. He said he is older now and too old to drive the "race car" we bought 5 years ago. I told him we are not buying another car unless we pay cash for it. So save save save we did for a new car.
Now, obviously, we haven't had a car payment in quite a while, but we have never paid cash for a car. Not a real car anyway. We did have a couple of POS cars we paid cash for, but they were 2k or under so I don't really count those.
Tonight, I wrote a check and paid cash for a car. As I was writing out the check I thought about Dave Ramsey. I thought about how hard we worked (each of us worked THREE jobs when I was pregnant with V and after he was born even--I am blessed to have been able to work for my dad and bring my baby to work with me) and how good it felt to know that H wanted something and we saved for it and paid for it. Delayed gratification. What a grown-up thing.
So, H didn't get to drive his new-to-him cherry red Mustang home tonight (I will bring his old car in Saturday and pick-up the 'stang--maybe it will even be nice out and I can ride with the top down!), but I think he is still pretty proud. We went in with a number in mind, ready to walk if they wouldn't meet it (plus I hadn't transferred any more cash than we were willing to spend into our checking account, so that helped), and we walked out, owners of a new (to-us) car.
The most fun part of the deal for H...our salesperson was J.T. Thatcher. Now, I will admit I had (okay fine, I still pretty much have) no clue who J.T. Tatcher is, but H thought it was pretty cool. And he gave V an autographed picture so he thought that was pretty cool too.
The most fun part for me...the manger said when our kidlets are in school I should get a job there because I am a good negotiator. Straight to the point. I'd like to thank Dave Ramsey for that. Although I didn't walk in with a suitcase of cash, I'd still like to think that I made Dave proud :)
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
The woman I love to hate
Is Jillian Michaels. Really, I do. Sometimes I hate to love her too, but mostly I love to hate her.
She and I have been having five dates a week for about a month now and I am really noticing some changes. Actually, I am not so much noticing changes on my body (I do notice that I can pull my jeans up and down without unbuttoning them), as I think H is. The other night we were cuddling on the couch and he said something about how skinny I am getting. Now if those aren't words I love to hear, I don't know what are!
Then today, I saw a guy H works with that I haven't seen in a month or so and he said I was looking really thin. It made me feel really good (and make a wise choice at lunch--black bean burger with a salad and fruit). It makes me feel like all my hard work is getting me somewhere.
It also makes me want to re-evaluate my weight loss goals though.
When I was in high school I used to run cross-country and track and I was pretty fit. I was running 13 miles a day at least 6 days a week and usually at least 5 on the 7th day. Well, then I got hurt and stopped running but I kept eating. And eating. And eating. I didn't realize I was gaining weight though because I was shopping weekly and just kept buying new clothes. (Those were also the days when I had a pretty good paying job-for a 16 year old-and no bills.) I can distinctly remember thinking that the sizes on the clothes I was buying were changing, but it must just be the clothing manufacturers changing them.
It was not until around high school graduation when I went swimsuit shopping with H (he was not my husband then though) that it hit me. I couldn't buy a juniors size swimsuit because juniors sizes didn't go that high. That was my turning point.
Although it should have been when I overheard someone else who was looking at prom pictures point to H and I and say "there's a fat couple in every group, huh?" Nope, that didn't do it. That just sent me to the ice cream.
That summer though, I decided to join Weight Watchers and lost 47 lbs. I kept that weight off until I got pregnant with V. I didn't gain much with his pregnancy, but it was HARD to get that weight off after he was born. Really really hard. I did it though and was back down to my pre-pregnancy weight when he was about 3 months old (which was actually 4 lbs more than I weighed when I hit my goal, but still a comfortable weight for me).
Then I got pregnant with M and started following the Brewer Diet http://www.bradleybirth.com/PD.aspx. I gained about 5 lbs more with M than I did with V, but the weight came of faster at first. The last 5 lbs or so were a fight though. A knock down drag out fight, but they are gone now and they took 3 more with them. Thank goodness.
I have been working my rear off following Weight Watchers food plan and working out though. And I sort of just want to sit down and eat a gallon of ice cream, 2 dozen chocolate chip cookies, a bag of M&Ms, and potato chips dipped in sour cream. That would be my heaven. But I also want to lose another 2-7 lbs.
But heaven sounds so delicious, that maybe I am okay where I am. I can't decide. I am also sort of afraid that if I lose more, I will just have more flabby loose skin. Especially my belly skin. And then there is my shelf (what I not-so-affectionately refer to the flap of skin above my c-section scar) that keeps getting bigger as I get smaller. And I would have to buy new clothes. That is a good and a bad thing.
I am just torn I think. And I think it is going to be hella-hard to lose more weight since I have been toying with the same couple of pounds for a couple of weeks. But I have also not been so faithful (like eating a handful of M&Ms and not counting the POINTS).
Maybe tonight I will eat ice cream and tomorrow I will worry about my waist...
She and I have been having five dates a week for about a month now and I am really noticing some changes. Actually, I am not so much noticing changes on my body (I do notice that I can pull my jeans up and down without unbuttoning them), as I think H is. The other night we were cuddling on the couch and he said something about how skinny I am getting. Now if those aren't words I love to hear, I don't know what are!
Then today, I saw a guy H works with that I haven't seen in a month or so and he said I was looking really thin. It made me feel really good (and make a wise choice at lunch--black bean burger with a salad and fruit). It makes me feel like all my hard work is getting me somewhere.
It also makes me want to re-evaluate my weight loss goals though.
When I was in high school I used to run cross-country and track and I was pretty fit. I was running 13 miles a day at least 6 days a week and usually at least 5 on the 7th day. Well, then I got hurt and stopped running but I kept eating. And eating. And eating. I didn't realize I was gaining weight though because I was shopping weekly and just kept buying new clothes. (Those were also the days when I had a pretty good paying job-for a 16 year old-and no bills.) I can distinctly remember thinking that the sizes on the clothes I was buying were changing, but it must just be the clothing manufacturers changing them.
It was not until around high school graduation when I went swimsuit shopping with H (he was not my husband then though) that it hit me. I couldn't buy a juniors size swimsuit because juniors sizes didn't go that high. That was my turning point.
Although it should have been when I overheard someone else who was looking at prom pictures point to H and I and say "there's a fat couple in every group, huh?" Nope, that didn't do it. That just sent me to the ice cream.
That summer though, I decided to join Weight Watchers and lost 47 lbs. I kept that weight off until I got pregnant with V. I didn't gain much with his pregnancy, but it was HARD to get that weight off after he was born. Really really hard. I did it though and was back down to my pre-pregnancy weight when he was about 3 months old (which was actually 4 lbs more than I weighed when I hit my goal, but still a comfortable weight for me).
Then I got pregnant with M and started following the Brewer Diet http://www.bradleybirth.com/PD.aspx. I gained about 5 lbs more with M than I did with V, but the weight came of faster at first. The last 5 lbs or so were a fight though. A knock down drag out fight, but they are gone now and they took 3 more with them. Thank goodness.
I have been working my rear off following Weight Watchers food plan and working out though. And I sort of just want to sit down and eat a gallon of ice cream, 2 dozen chocolate chip cookies, a bag of M&Ms, and potato chips dipped in sour cream. That would be my heaven. But I also want to lose another 2-7 lbs.
But heaven sounds so delicious, that maybe I am okay where I am. I can't decide. I am also sort of afraid that if I lose more, I will just have more flabby loose skin. Especially my belly skin. And then there is my shelf (what I not-so-affectionately refer to the flap of skin above my c-section scar) that keeps getting bigger as I get smaller. And I would have to buy new clothes. That is a good and a bad thing.
I am just torn I think. And I think it is going to be hella-hard to lose more weight since I have been toying with the same couple of pounds for a couple of weeks. But I have also not been so faithful (like eating a handful of M&Ms and not counting the POINTS).
Maybe tonight I will eat ice cream and tomorrow I will worry about my waist...
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
How I earn my keep
Since I stay at home with the kidlets, we often joke that H earns the money and I spend it, but I sort of look at what I do as a job too. Since I don't bring any money to the table (or not enough to really count anyway since I do work a bit for my dad), I try to save where I can. I hardly ever buy anything for myself (save 2 more nursing bras after M was born), I buy the kids clothes on clearance, and I coupon. I mean really coupon. This is my coupon box.
(that says "IF FOUND PLEASE RETURN TO: my name and phone number". This thing is so imporant to me. Shortly after V was born H left it in the cart at the store and I was infuriated with him. Like the maddest I have EVER been. A few days later this kid called me and said that he found this box with coupons in it and asked if I actually wanted it back! Of course I did! H thought that was pretty funny)
I have all my coupons organized so it is pretty easy to find what I am looking for. Each "divider" is labeled with something like "Baby", Bread","Drugs", etc all in alphabetical order. Then, behind each divider are envelopes labeled as well. For drugs, I have envelopes labeled deodorant, feminine, lotion, make-up, medicine, soap, and toothcare. Inside each envelope are the coupons in alphabetical order by brand and then by expiration date.
(that says "IF FOUND PLEASE RETURN TO: my name and phone number". This thing is so imporant to me. Shortly after V was born H left it in the cart at the store and I was infuriated with him. Like the maddest I have EVER been. A few days later this kid called me and said that he found this box with coupons in it and asked if I actually wanted it back! Of course I did! H thought that was pretty funny)
I have all my coupons organized so it is pretty easy to find what I am looking for. Each "divider" is labeled with something like "Baby", Bread","Drugs", etc all in alphabetical order. Then, behind each divider are envelopes labeled as well. For drugs, I have envelopes labeled deodorant, feminine, lotion, make-up, medicine, soap, and toothcare. Inside each envelope are the coupons in alphabetical order by brand and then by expiration date. H used to be a little more than embarrassed when I would walk into the grocery store, coupon box in hand an spend an hour looking for "deals". Now, I don't have an hour at the grocery store unless I am going after the kids are in bed, and even then, I feel like I am on borrowed time since if M wakes up and is hungry, H can't feed her. So I do much of what I used to do at the store at home, but I still save a ton.
Let's take this weeks shopping trip for example. I got:
10 boxes of Kellogs cereal
1 box of popcorn
2 hot pockets
1 box of Boca burgers
10 pears
1 bag of chips
5 boxes of oatmeal
2 rolls of sausage
1 carton of ice cream
grand total: $14.86 PLUS the register printed of coupons for FOUR free gallons of milk! So basically I got all of that PLUS 4 gallons of milk for less than $15! Pretty darn good if you ask me!
Now, let me add that we don't NEED 10 boxes of cereal this week, but I put them in the pantry so I don't have to spend $4 a box on cereal when we need some. We just go shopping in the pantry.
I also want to add, that that was not the only grocery trip. I also made another trip for perishables (fruits, veggies, milk). The reason though, that I don't have a list like most people do, is that I can plan my meals around what is in my freezer, fridge, and pantry.
I honestly think we could live for 6 months and only buy milk, fruit, and veggies. It is sort of scary, but most of the stuff I hardly paid anything for, got for free, or even better got PAID for.
My favorite thing is when I get paid for stuff. Yesterday I got toothpaste (not that I NEEDED it, I probably have 20 tubes of toothpaste) but, it was on sale for $3.99. I had a $1 coupon and so I paid $2.99. The store also had a sale where if you bought it for $3.99, they would give you $3.99 towards your next purchase. I shop there weekly, so I will definitely spend the money, but they essentially paid me $1 for my toothpaste. It nearly makes me giddy!
I also got the kids entire Fall/Winter wardrobe for under $50 and it was all new at the Children's Place (so nice stuff) and JC Penney. When we were in Texas they were having a crazy good sale at TCP and I got pretty much everything M will need there and about 1/2 of V's stuff for $30-$40 (the boys stuff was pretty picked over) and then at JC Penney I finished V's shopping for about $10. Now I just have to hope that I got the right sizes!
So, all that to say that even though I don't earn much of a paycheck, I think I definitely earn my keep around here :)
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Spring Break
I was really nervous about Spring Break this year. Normally, V goes to "school" two days a week so I go to work one day and run errands the other. This week I had no breal all week so I knew I would be doing all my work from home and groceries just might not get bought. I was also really worried about what we were going to do all week, but we found something to do each day.
Monday we went to a toddler aerobics class at the library and V and his friend A had a blast. Tuesday, we went to see Irish dancers at the library and again V had so much fun. That was also the day that V didn't take a nap and instead decided to poop in his bed. Poop was everywhere and I had him (and me since I had gotten poop on me while picking him up) in the shower when all of a sudden we had no water. No water at all and poop everywhere. It was disgusting. Eventually though, we got our water back and got cleaned up so he could go see the dancers.
Wednesday we went to storytime at the library and then met H for lunch. After lunch I stopped by the shop to pick up my work and V had all sorts of fun running around up there.
Thursday was Rhythm Babies at the library and then Friday we had a birthday party at Chick-fil-A. Let me just say, they were fabulous at Chick-fil-A. They were so accommodating (the birthday boy's mama said she just went in 20 minutes before the party and told them what she was planning) and they set up tables for us and put little protector things on the table for the kids. The manger also got all the kids ice cream and a little cow doll. They were fabulous! The cow even came out to see the kids, but V was terrified. And by terrified I mean latched on to my leg hiding (thank goodness mama has big thighs, right?).
Today, H isn't feeling well so we all just hung around the house, but it was a fun spring break. I feel like I got a lot done and we had a lot of fun, so I consider that a success!
Monday we went to a toddler aerobics class at the library and V and his friend A had a blast. Tuesday, we went to see Irish dancers at the library and again V had so much fun. That was also the day that V didn't take a nap and instead decided to poop in his bed. Poop was everywhere and I had him (and me since I had gotten poop on me while picking him up) in the shower when all of a sudden we had no water. No water at all and poop everywhere. It was disgusting. Eventually though, we got our water back and got cleaned up so he could go see the dancers.
Wednesday we went to storytime at the library and then met H for lunch. After lunch I stopped by the shop to pick up my work and V had all sorts of fun running around up there.
Thursday was Rhythm Babies at the library and then Friday we had a birthday party at Chick-fil-A. Let me just say, they were fabulous at Chick-fil-A. They were so accommodating (the birthday boy's mama said she just went in 20 minutes before the party and told them what she was planning) and they set up tables for us and put little protector things on the table for the kids. The manger also got all the kids ice cream and a little cow doll. They were fabulous! The cow even came out to see the kids, but V was terrified. And by terrified I mean latched on to my leg hiding (thank goodness mama has big thighs, right?).
Today, H isn't feeling well so we all just hung around the house, but it was a fun spring break. I feel like I got a lot done and we had a lot of fun, so I consider that a success!
Friday, March 19, 2010
guilt leads to passion
So, yesterday V and I were alphabetizing the DVDs (I know, you do what you can to stay busy when you SAH :) ) and I came across the DVD the hospital gave us of his birth. I asked him if he wanted to watch it and he did so in it went. The first part of it they put to music, so we watch H cut his umbilical cord (and by that I mean the dr cut it from me to V, but H cut it shorter), V get his footprints done, get weighed and measured, etc, etc.
Then I realize that I am not there. I am not in the video of his birth. Like I wasn't a part of it at all. At the very very end, it shows H bringing him to me so I could kiss his cheek, but he was all bundled up in a blanket with a hat on so I could only see part of his little face.
It broke my heart that just a few nights earlier I watched the video of M being born and she doesn't leave my arms during the whole video (about 15 minutes long--well, except when I had to get off my hands and knees and onto my back so I could look at her). In V's video I am not even there.
After the part they put to music they have the "uncut" part. Ours is still somewhat "cut" because they show the dr handing him to the nurses after they took him out of my uterus and then it stops until they got him breathing. Watching that brought me to tears. His birth was so violent. Even after H cut the cord, the nurses literally pushed him out of the way. It makes me so sad to think of how scary that must have been for V. To be all happy and warm inside mama and then all of a sudden being yanked out into this cold room where all these strangers are touching him and poking him and putting things in his mouth and nose. How terribly frightening for him.
I sat on the floor with the video playing holding my son and crying. I wanted so badly to tell him how sorry I am that I let them do that to him, that I did that to him. I want to go back and change it. I want the first day of his outside life to be a peaceful, happy one. I want him to have felt love, not fear in his first moments. I feel like that was my first failure as a mother. That is guilt I will take to my grave.
At the end of the uncut version, I am laying on the gurney holding him and shaking so badly V asked me what was wrong with me. Then the nurses took him off down one hall and I was wheeled down another. It just makes me sad.
Today, I was getting dressed and he saw my c/s scar. He asked me what it was and I told him that is how he came out of Mama. He looked at me with curious eyes, so I explained to him as delicately as I could that he used to be in my belly like M was and then the doctor cut Mama's belly open to get him out. He said "Oh, then she put me back so I came out your 'gina." "No, baby. Then you were out."
It's like at almost 3 the child knows that babies are made to come out of vaginas (that may be because I am his mother and that was a hot topic around here for a while and once a month we have a VBAC Support Group meet at my house where we talk about it for hours, but still he gets it!).
I sort of expected a VBAC to heal my c/s pain, but it didn't. In some ways it actually made it worse because I now know what I could have given him that I didn't.
That leads me to my passion, though. I have never really had a passion. I mean I liked stuff, sure, but never really had something I was passionate about until V was born. I think I have found my life's purpose. I want to prevent other women from needlessly going through births like I did with V.
Then I realize that I am not there. I am not in the video of his birth. Like I wasn't a part of it at all. At the very very end, it shows H bringing him to me so I could kiss his cheek, but he was all bundled up in a blanket with a hat on so I could only see part of his little face.
It broke my heart that just a few nights earlier I watched the video of M being born and she doesn't leave my arms during the whole video (about 15 minutes long--well, except when I had to get off my hands and knees and onto my back so I could look at her). In V's video I am not even there.
After the part they put to music they have the "uncut" part. Ours is still somewhat "cut" because they show the dr handing him to the nurses after they took him out of my uterus and then it stops until they got him breathing. Watching that brought me to tears. His birth was so violent. Even after H cut the cord, the nurses literally pushed him out of the way. It makes me so sad to think of how scary that must have been for V. To be all happy and warm inside mama and then all of a sudden being yanked out into this cold room where all these strangers are touching him and poking him and putting things in his mouth and nose. How terribly frightening for him.
I sat on the floor with the video playing holding my son and crying. I wanted so badly to tell him how sorry I am that I let them do that to him, that I did that to him. I want to go back and change it. I want the first day of his outside life to be a peaceful, happy one. I want him to have felt love, not fear in his first moments. I feel like that was my first failure as a mother. That is guilt I will take to my grave.
At the end of the uncut version, I am laying on the gurney holding him and shaking so badly V asked me what was wrong with me. Then the nurses took him off down one hall and I was wheeled down another. It just makes me sad.
Today, I was getting dressed and he saw my c/s scar. He asked me what it was and I told him that is how he came out of Mama. He looked at me with curious eyes, so I explained to him as delicately as I could that he used to be in my belly like M was and then the doctor cut Mama's belly open to get him out. He said "Oh, then she put me back so I came out your 'gina." "No, baby. Then you were out."
It's like at almost 3 the child knows that babies are made to come out of vaginas (that may be because I am his mother and that was a hot topic around here for a while and once a month we have a VBAC Support Group meet at my house where we talk about it for hours, but still he gets it!).
I sort of expected a VBAC to heal my c/s pain, but it didn't. In some ways it actually made it worse because I now know what I could have given him that I didn't.
That leads me to my passion, though. I have never really had a passion. I mean I liked stuff, sure, but never really had something I was passionate about until V was born. I think I have found my life's purpose. I want to prevent other women from needlessly going through births like I did with V.
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