Lately, a lot of my friends and family have been telling me how they know this time of year is harder for me because S is not here. While I appreciate the extra thoughts and prayers (or any at all really), it is not any harder for me. He is not more dead because it is Thanksgiving or Christmas or whatever. He is just as dead today as he will be on December 25th.
I wonder if it is because it is more obvious to other people that he is not here. I mean, at the holiday things, to everyone else, there is obviously someone missing. Perhaps, but his absence is obvious to me in everything so I don't notice it more because it is a holiday. I thought it would be harder too, but it is not.
I miss him all the time and I really don't miss him any more because it is a holiday season. I realize he is gone when I am getting the kids dressed and I think about how he loved them in these outfits, or he never got to see them in those. I miss him when I make coffee and I remember how he drank coffee in the winter. I think of him when I do laundry and his clothes are missing. When I am washing dishes after dinner and the kids are screaming, I know he is not here playing with them. When the bigs are racing and they crash and I have to sort of halfway console each of them with one in each arm, I understand that he would be hugging one kid and me the other if he were here. His absence is just so outstanding in my everyday life.
He is always on my mind. It is really not any worse now than it was a few months ago. He is still gone.
I was thinking back today and I realized I have come pretty far in nearly 6 months. I don't think he is coming home anymore. I don't get angry that he is gone. I fully realize that this is my life. This is my new normal. And I have to be okay with that. I am okay with that. I want to honor him and cherish his memory and let him live on in me and our babies.
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