Wrong

I thought Christmas wouldn't be harder than any other day, but it was.  I was wrong.  I don't know exactly what made it worse, but I have been much sadder the last 2 days.  Yesterday was hard because I was baking all day with all three kids under my feet.  Not an easy task, though I did bake 3 types of muffins and cookies.  I also sliced a pound and a half of cranberries and dehydrated them AND cooked dinner (chicken, stacked potatoes, brussel sprouts--S's favorite, and cinnamon sweet potatoes).  I also got the whole house clean and most of the laundry done.  The kids loved putting the cranberries in the dehydrator and stacking the potatoes for me, so they still had fun I suppose.

I really went back and forth about whether or not I wanted to video Christmas morning like we have every other year.  I decided not to, but then I thought that since this is G's first Christmas I need to have that on tape for her.  So I did.  It was really weird to watch the kids open their gifts alone.  I really didn't like it.

I also remembered that when V was a baby, S and I said that we didn't want to celebrate Christmas with gifts.  Instead, we wanted to take a family trip each year over Christmas and just get the kids something small.  I decided I really like that idea again.  Especially since the kids really don't need or want anything.  I think when G gets a bit bigger we might start doing that.

This is the first Christmas in 10 years without S.  We started dating in January 11 years ago.  Crazy to think about how much things have changed.

He got into the accident 26 weeks ago today.  V asked me today how many days Daddy has been dead.  I did the math and it has been 181 days.  I have survived 181 days without him in my life after 13 years with him in it.

Today was hard.  I think New Years Eve will be harder.  I have spent every New Years Eve with him for the past 11 years.  This will be my first alone.  It makes me want to cry.  NYE used to be my favorite holiday.  I loved looking forward to a new year and the fireworks and the excitement.  So much of that seems gone without him.

I just don't know what to expect anymore.  I don't know what to expect out of other people or myself.  Things I think will be hard are not and things I think will be easy are not.  Perhaps, I need to stop expecting anything and just let what will happen, happen.