Wow, it's December. Almost the end of 2011. What a year it has been. It is still crazy to me to think about how much my life has changed in the last 12 months.
2011 started off as one of the best years of my life. We were getting ready to welcome our new baby into our family and I can remember S having so much fun making pizza with V during the late winter snow storms. It was fun.
Halfway though the year, I had the worst experience in my life. It trumped all of the things I thought were horrible before that moment. 22 weeks ago I could not imagine my life without S. I really didn't think I would be able to breathe without him. I didn't know how I would be able to function.
And here we are at the end of the year, and all things considered, I think we are doing pretty good.
I am learning that I am capable. I can do things I used to think I couldn't do. Simple things like taking out the trash and harder things like moving furniture alone.
Alone. I am getting used to the alone. I am getting used to the quiet. I am getting used to doing everything with the kids on my own. I have raised three kids for 5 months by myself. I have kept a G alive and thriving for 17 months on nothing but me (9 months in and 8 months out so far). I have helped M learn to use the potty and sleep in a big girl bed. I have helped V learn math and letters. I have been doing things mostly on my own for 5 months and for that I am pretty proud.
Yesterday I got asked if I am a single mom. I told him I am, but I felt weird saying that. I mean, technically I am a single mom, but I feel like my situation is different from most single mom situations. Most kids have a dad who could call them or take them to the park or kiss a boo boo. My kids don't. So not only am I a single parent, but I am an only parent. But then again, in a sense I am not. My kids have two parents. They have a mom and a dad who love them very much.
I asked M tonight if she remembers Daddy. She said yes and then I asked her what she remembers about him. She said "nothing." It breaks my heart. I feel like I need to seek out ways to keep him alive for them. I want the kids to know how much he loved them. I want them to know that he was an involved dad. I want them to remember him playing with them and cooking with them and loving them.
And I want to remember that too. I want to remember him with them. I want to remember his love. I want the kids to miss him. I want them to remember him enough that they can miss him.
Someone today was telling me how cute G was and whatnot and then she said "Your Daddy is going to have to get a big stick when your a teenager!" I wanted to tell her that he couldn't. I wanted to tell her that he's dead. I wanted her to know that it isn't fair to assume that my daughter's Daddy can watch out for her. But I didn't. Really, what good would it have done? It would have just made her feel bad and then I would have gotten the look of pity I get from people when they find out that S died.
It is this horrible look of sadness, pity, and embarrassment. It makes me feel bad and it makes the other person feel worse I am sure.
For a minute it might make them appreciate what they have, but that is it.
That is really strange to me too. When I used to hear about something bad happening I always felt really bad and held my kids closer or treated S a little better for a bit, but then we got back into the swing of life and back into old habits. Now that I am on the other side of this, it seems strange that I ever went back to normal because the other family did not. They never will. Their normal is forever altered.
It's weird that other people changed their lives momentarily after S died, but mine will never be the same.
That is not to say my life won't be good again. It will. I know it will because that is what he would have wanted. I know he would want me to find happiness again. For me and for our kids. They will follow my lead, and I want them to be happy and I know he would too.
We will always remember him. We will always love him. He will always be with us. That is our new normal.
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