we are blessed.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve.  This year will be a different kind of Christmas for us.  S will be missing.  He will be with us, as he always is, but he will be missing.  Tomorrow, I plan on baking all day with the kids and Christmas Day, I will watch them open presents and then we will go to church.  I want to spend the days just the 4 of us.  I want to have fun and I think that is best done with just us.  We will celebrate Christmas with my family next week when my brother and his fiancee come back into town.

This year will be the first year in my entire life that I haven't seen my family on Christmas.  It will also be the first year I have gone to church on Christmas.  Really, this year, 2011, was the first year I ever went to church at all.  Since S died, I feel closer to God.  I know I have a lot of reasons to be very angry at God, and a lot of the time I am, but I also have a lot to be thankful for.  I am blessed.

A friend just sent me this poem and it had me bawling.  Sobbing really.  Ugly cries too.  I miss him so much.

A drunk man in an Oldsmobile
They said had run the light
That caused the six-car pileup
On 109 that night.
When broken bodies lay about
'And blood was everywhere,'
'The sirens screamed out eulogies,'
For death was in the air.
'A mother, trapped inside her car,'
Was heard above the noise;
Her plaintive plea near split the air:
'Oh, God, please spare my boys!'
She fought to loose her pinned hands
'She struggled to get free,'
But mangled metal held her fast
In grim captivity.
Her frightened eyes then focused
'On where the back seat once had been,'
But all she saw was broken glass and
Two children's seats crushed in.
Her twins were nowhere to be seen;
'She did not hear them cry, '
'And then she prayed they'd been thrown free, '
'Oh, God, don't let them die! '
Then firemen came and cut her loose, '
'But when they searched the back, '
'They found therein no little boys, '
But the seat belts were intact.
They thought the woman had gone mad
'And was traveling alone, '
'But when they turned to question her, '
They discovered she was gone.
Policemen saw her running wild
And screaming above the noise
'In beseeching supplication, '
Please help me find my boys!
They're four years old and wear blue shirts;
'Their jeans are blue to match.''
'One cop spoke up, ''They're in my car, '
And they don't have a scratch.
They said their daddy put them there
'And gave them each a cone, '
Then told them both to wait for Mom
To come and take them home.
'I've searched the area high and low, '
But I can't find their dad.
'He must have fled the scene, '
'I guess, and that is very bad.'
'The mother hugged the twins and said, '
'While wiping at a tear, '
'He could not flee the scene, you see, '
'For he's been dead a year.'
'The cop just looked confused and asked, '
'Now, how can that be true? '
'The boys said, ''Mommy, Daddy came
'And left a kiss for you.'' '
He told us not to worry
'And that you would be all right, '
And then he put us in this car with
'The pretty, flashing light. '
'We wanted him to stay with us, '
'Because we miss him so, '
'But Mommy, he just hugged us tight '
And said he had to go.
He said someday we'd understand
'And told us not to fuss, '
'And he said to tell you, Mommy, '
'He's watching over us.'
The mother knew without a doubt
'That what they spoke was true, '
'For she recalled their dad's last words, ' ' I will watch over you.'
The fire men's notes could not explain
'The twisted, mangled car, '
And how the three of them escaped
Without a single scar.
'But on the cop's report was scribed, '
'In print so very fine, '
An angel walked the beat tonight on Highway 109.
'The 7 Second Prayer, Just repeat this phrase and see how God moves.
'Lord, I love you and I need you, come into my heart, and bless my
Family, my home, my friends, and me. Amen. '

I've read that before, but not since he died.  Not since I could imagine being in that mother's shoes.  It's different now.  But it makes me feel blessed too, because I know he will protect my kids.  I know he will keep us safe.  We have out own personal guardian angel who loves us more than anyone.

It amazes me how I see him places.  Not him personally, but things that he has done.  Signs he has left me.  He lets me know that he is around and he is behind me.  He tells me it will be okay and he lets me know that he supports me.  He is one hell of a man.

Before bed tonight, M went over to her picture of him and she just started talking.  "Mama.  That me on Daddy lap.  I sleepin' on Daddy lap.  Those my jammas.  That Daddy shirt.  I sleep on Daddy lap.  My Daddy died."  She says it all so mater-of-factly.  The same emotion is in each sentence.  It's amazing.

And sad.  It makes me sad that she has to talk about her Daddy in past tense.  I don't think she remembers him.

I think V is forgetting him too.  And G has long forgotten.  He never really got to know her when he was alive.  And he would love her.  He did love her, but I think she and he would have had a really special bond.  She would have been a Daddy's girl I think.

Still, I am glad my kids had such a great dad.  I am glad that V and M got to know him and he them.  I am glad he got to meet G and bond with her the way he did.  I am so blessed to have had him in my life.  And I know I will have more blessings coming my way.  I think he will make sure of it.

A friend told me the other day that God must need him to work on a big project with Him.  That was the kind of guy he was.  Now he can watch over us and keep us safe.

So, this holiday, I am blessed.  I have three healthy (sleeping) children.  I have food in my belly.  I have a roof over my head.  I have friends who love me.  And I have S.  I am blessed.