Sometimes I feel like life is happening without me. Like this person I am now is not who I am. I don't know where I went. I think the old me died when S did 24 weeks ago and I don't know that I like who was left behind.
I am so short with the kids and I have no patience. I feel like I have forgotten how to parent. They are growing and changing and so often, I just want to be left alone and not have to entertain them. How horrible is that? I do what I need to do because I know I need to do it, but gosh, I just don't want to.
Not that I would do it, but I can see how mothers just go. Sometimes I want to just be left alone. I want to drop the kids off at my parents house for 2 weeks and just go.
Doing it all alone is hard. There is never a break. I cook dinner with 3 kids under my feet (or in my arms, hanging on my legs, etc). I don't sleep without them on top of me. I don't shower alone. Heck, I don't even get to pee alone. They are always there and always needing something. And it gets really frustrating when 2 or all 3 of them need something at the same time because I can't do it all at once. Someone has to wait. It is not fair to them and it is not fair to me.
But that is life. Life isn't fair. It just is. And so we keep on trucking. The 4 of us together. We keep going because that is really the only choice we have.
But this is a hard time of year. All my friends are doing holiday things with their husbands and kids and I feel left behind. I see them doing things that S and I would have done together and my kids are missing out because, honestly, I just don't want to do it without him. He is so obviously not here.
When I pulled out the stockings, I remembered that I bought 5 after Christmas last year. I never found stocking holders I loved though. I really had to think about whether I was putting up 4 or 5 stockings. I decided on all 5 and I made stocking holders last night.
The crazy part though, is that even though they are all the same and I made them all the same way, one won't stay together. They spell out "peace" and S would have been the "p". That is the one that won't stay. I feel like it is symbolic of how broken he is. Or it is him trying to tell me something. I don't know what.
I found myself thinking about him as I was cleaning the kitchen tonight. An invitation to a flooring show came in the mail today. He wanted to go last year, but I said no because it was just a few weeks after G was due and I didn't wan to have all 3 kids alone. He would have had so much fun though. He loved going. On one hand, I wish I had let him go. We agreed he could go this year, but now he can't. On the other hand, I'm glad he didn't go because that was 5 days we had together that we wouldn't have.
There are just so many things I regret. I wish I hadn't urged him to stop drinking soda. I wish I hadn't complained about him eating crap food he loved so much. I wish I didn't push him away when he tried to hug me when we were fighting. I wish I told him I loved him more often. I wish I payed more attention when he tried to explain things to me. I just wish I was a better wife. I don't think I was a bad wife, but I just wish I had realized then how silly the things I got mad about really were. I wish I realized how short our time together was going to be.
But maybe I don't regret any of that. Maybe those are the things that made me me and those things are part of the reason he loved me and part of the reason he chose me to be his wife. I know he knew I loved him and I knew he loved me. If either of us had done things differently it might have changed everything.
I just hope he knows how much I miss him. I want him to know how much I love him. I think I'm just missing him extra tonight.
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